Animals: Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked...

By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Season finale

Out of it

By Anonymous - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

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By SplitMind95 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I was on Tinder and only one girl matched with me. She gave me a "Super-Like" so I thought she must want to get to know each other and see what happens. Nope. She recognized me as the guy who adopted the stray cat she was taking care of last year, and just wanted to know how he was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

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By bras r expensive ppl

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By stalker - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

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By Unclicked - Singapore

Today, my long-distance boyfriend wanted to spend time online with me. He kept quiet on Skype and went on a hundred different stupid websites, laughing by himself. Afterwards, he told me he really enjoyed our time together. FML

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By atleese - United States

Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By ottawaaa - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

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By Failed_Dad - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By Idontlikefireworks2

FREEDOM

Today, some idiots set off fireworks close to my house. I was a bit worried, but my uncle assured me it would be fine and left to run an errand. Just minutes later, I looked up to find the tree right next to my wooden balcony engulfed in flames. FML

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By FML - Sweden

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By worldsmosthonestdad

Today, I got a call from my 8-year-old's 3rd grade teacher. Apparently a question went around class asking, "Why do you think you were put on this Earth?", and my son answered, "My dad says it's because I swam the fastest." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By WetWalking - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By in love with a nerd - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By christacat - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

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By tortured

Today, despite using deodorant religiously and showering twice a day, my roommate still smells so bad that every time she enters the room I become physically sick. FML

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Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

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By ouch

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

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By KateD - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my husband. We came across a guy who was selling some weight loss pills. He tried to sell me some and I kindly declined. He told me not to deny my weight problems. Thanks. I'm 7 months pregnant. FML

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By gpistas - United States

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

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By kingpin9219 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By lily - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

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By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - France - Poissy

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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By Nobody - Singapore

Today, I saw a man lying on the street. He seemed unconscious, so, being a nurse I went over and found he had choked. I removed the object from his throat and used CPR to revive him. My reward? A mouthful of vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to a coworker that even though, yes, I’m Polish and, yes, my family’s from Poland, that, no, we’re not from The North Pole. We’re not from Antarctica either. FML

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By nomegusta - United States

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

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By kat124ever - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By 404: Sanity Not Found - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

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Top comments

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

By ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

COMMENTS

By SqueezeMe32 | 9

#5940979 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

Don't worry OP...he prolly does the same thing when you're not home lol!! Laugh it off!!

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941008 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:24

I don't think he does..

sunnyray812 | 42

#5941049 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:25

Prolly?

ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

gjikvtj | 18

#5941148 - Sunday 11 May 2014 5:34

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say prolly nod

ilovetraveler | 17

#5941518 - Sunday 11 May 2014 17:39

I'm favoriting this for the comments.

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

Melix | 31

#5941014 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:35

Everytime we touch, I get this feeling
Everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly!

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#5941024 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:45

Can't you feel my heart beat fast?
I want this to last
Need you by my side

Demig0d6 | 14

#5941028 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:54

Cause every time we touch I feel my stomach
And every time we kiss I reach for the toilet paper

buckdharma | 36

#5941048 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:22

The Beatles- Get Back.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#5941092 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:20

Cause every time we touch. I feel the static, and - AHH FLUFFY STOP ATTACKING ME! I know I'm a bad singer, but DAMN!

AmexBlack | 24

#5941311 - Sunday 11 May 2014 12:15

I was thinking more along the lines of...
'Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur. Happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr'

orientalwhisker | 6

#5974668 - Saturday 14 June 2014 2:09

"I want to kiss you all over."

By RMoreNY | 15

#5940981 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

FYL, that's embarrassing

EternalRest | 5

#5941243 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:17

This didn't go the way I was expecting it to..

MrsDruidess | 23

#5941268 - Sunday 11 May 2014 9:50

the singing to her cat is a little embarrassing, but damn being home alone is no reason not to close the door for a #2. poop spores man! ewww YDI

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941436 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:20

they don't fly around the house, 71.

addictedtosorrow | 12

#5943195 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 5:53

Being home alone is reason for no doors being closed and yelling at the top of your lungs

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5940983 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

That's just purr-fect.

By CobraLazerFace | 21

#5940984 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:01

This sounds just like my cousins internet browsing history.

By BootheGhost | 6

#5940986 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Well that's a shi- *coughs loudly* Surely something he won't let down easy.

By jjander69 | 11

#5940987 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Now.. That just made my day.

By iamananglophile | 18

#5940988 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:05

Shit happens.

By Victormoon | 14

#5940989 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:06

That's hilarious, did he at least song good? Lol

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941199 - Sunday 11 May 2014 6:58

You need to read this again buddy

ChristianH39 | 30

#5941205 - Sunday 11 May 2014 7:07

And learn to English

jimmy_poison | 19

#5941248 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:41

Do you even English?

vuduguru | 5

#5941712 - Sunday 11 May 2014 20:22

I learn to English yah lol

iOceanus | 18

#5941802 - Sunday 11 May 2014 22:17

Don't you just love it when people use adjectives in place of adverbs? *raises right arm at an angle*

By illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5940990 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:07

At least he didn't walk in on you pooping on the cat... don't ask..

christge1beast | 17

#5941036 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:12

Is there a story behind this?

zandalee | 19

#5941045 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:20

Old FML. Don't ask!!

KingLewisII | 34

#5941046 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:21

Shh he said don't ask

SouthernLady12 | 13

#5941077 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:54

I'm too nosy to not know what the old FML said... tell me. I promise not to tell anyone else ;)

xlord | 27

#5941097 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:31

I searched poop + lets just say I found pages and pages of FMLs.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941439 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:22

I'm asking as well!

at least it wasn't in the litter box also?