Animals: Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked...

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 330

You deserved it 13 669

Animals

Compromises

Dysfunctional

Work > Love

By oneiPodlighter - 10/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Conshohocken

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 894

You deserved it 24 763

By StellaSanguina - 09/10/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 308

You deserved it 6 757

By dontgothere - 23/02/2014 04:40 - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 424

You deserved it 6 684

By TheHatedOne - 21/06/2009 07:26 - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 952

You deserved it 53 868

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 20:00

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 934

By mrb72 - 03/02/2009 10:48 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 19 132

Drugs are bad, well, some of them

By RockMeetsHardPlace - 15/03/2021 15:01 - United States - Midlothian

Today, like every day since my diagnosis, I've had to choose between two impossible options. Either I deal with debilitating headaches where I cannot focus, or I feel so drowsy that I cannot focus. My finals are in a week and I can't study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 51

By churchgoer - 20/03/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 573

You deserved it 9 540

Bird's eye view

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 515

By iwantmoney - 22/07/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 187

You deserved it 5 108

By Anonymous - 19/08/2015 13:54 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 952

You deserved it 1 561

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 23:20 - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 521

You deserved it 3 019

By CheeseLover - 02/12/2016 00:44 - United States - Spring

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 709

You deserved it 1 128

By Anonymous - 20/03/2013 01:27 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got laid off. Walking out of the building, I saw someone on crutches and thought, "Hey, at least I can still walk." Two hours later, I blew out my knee playing basketball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 955

You deserved it 8 126

By poo4brains - 28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 999

You deserved it 3 603

By pwndbykidz - 09/08/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 741

You deserved it 68 173

By knicksfan - 05/04/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 820

You deserved it 6 577

By MenstruallyFrustrated - 23/07/2013 17:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 851

You deserved it 6 175

By Anonymous - 13/03/2019 12:00 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 167

You deserved it 218

By "BunnysKitty" - 15/09/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 959

You deserved it 870

Gun control

By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 2 078

By exposed - 15/03/2010 06:35 - United States

Today, I woke up late for a very important presentation. I got dressed but forgot to wear a bra. During the presentation, I bent down to adjust a shoe strap. I rose to find that the thin straps of my blouse snapped and exposed my breasts. I gave a great presentation and a titty show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 679

You deserved it 35 569

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 001

You deserved it 6 230

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 16:00

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 323

You deserved it 412

By ardenm - 12/02/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 670

You deserved it 38 046

By Username - 18/02/2011 05:19

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 399

You deserved it 4 938

Adding insult to injury

By Anonymous - 01/09/2021 13:01

Today, working on an ambulance, we had an elderly man who was obviously scared, so to get his mind off things I made small talk. When I went to ask if he was retired, it came out as, "so Steve, are you retarded?" My partner/supervisor across from me had tears running down her face from trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 182

By Noname - 27/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 587

You deserved it 5 105

By Badnewca - 14/05/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 060

You deserved it 5 190

By Anonymous - 22/03/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 993

You deserved it 2 891

By SeeingGreen - 08/05/2017 02:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex popped up as someone I might know as instagram, complete with his workout photos. My fiance is mad at me for showing these to my family, even though the consensus is that my ex looks like a condom stuffed with marbles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 497

You deserved it 1 293

By Come on - 29/01/2012 00:46 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 588

You deserved it 3 473

Midlife crisis

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 87

By couch_potato - 28/03/2013 07:53

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 784

You deserved it 24 717

By fuckit - 31/01/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 187

You deserved it 5 579

By Fack. - 19/02/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 918

You deserved it 8 625

By hangman - 01/08/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 669

You deserved it 4 515

By MJB - 02/04/2017 22:00

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 955

You deserved it 392

What a tool

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 17:01

Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 396

You deserved it 2 504

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Top comments

lightanddark 17

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

ironichalibut 24

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

SqueezeMe32 9

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

Don't worry OP...he prolly does the same thing when you're not home lol!! Laugh it off!!

GirlGamer12345 22

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:24

I don't think he does..

sunnyray812 42

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:25

Prolly?

ironichalibut 24

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

gjikvtj 18

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Sunday 11 May 2014 5:34

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say prolly nod

ilovetraveler 17

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Sunday 11 May 2014 17:39

I'm favoriting this for the comments.

lightanddark 17

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

Melix 31

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:35

Everytime we touch, I get this feeling Everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly!

MrDonSalvetti 27

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:45

Can't you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last Need you by my side

Demig0d6 14

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:54

Cause every time we touch I feel my stomach And every time we kiss I reach for the toilet paper

buckdharma 36

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:22

The Beatles- Get Back.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 24

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Sunday 11 May 2014 4:20

Cause every time we touch. I feel the static, and - AHH FLUFFY STOP ATTACKING ME! I know I'm a bad singer, but DAMN!

AmexBlack 24

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Sunday 11 May 2014 12:15

I was thinking more along the lines of... 'Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur. Happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr'

orientalwhisker 6

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Saturday 14 June 2014 2:09

"I want to kiss you all over."

RMoreNY 15

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

FYL, that's embarrassing

EternalRest 5

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Sunday 11 May 2014 8:17

This didn't go the way I was expecting it to..

MrsDruidess 23

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Sunday 11 May 2014 9:50

the singing to her cat is a little embarrassing, but damn being home alone is no reason not to close the door for a #2. poop spores man! ewww YDI

cryssycakesx3 22

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Sunday 11 May 2014 16:20

they don't fly around the house, 71.

addictedtosorrow 12

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Tuesday 13 May 2014 5:53

Being home alone is reason for no doors being closed and yelling at the top of your lungs

frozen92_fml 12

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

That's just purr-fect.

CobraLazerFace 21

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:01

This sounds just like my cousins internet browsing history.

BootheGhost 6

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Well that's a shi- *coughs loudly* Surely something he won't let down easy.

jjander69 11

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Now.. That just made my day.

iamananglophile 18

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:05

Shit happens.

Victormoon 14

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:06

That's hilarious, did he at least song good? Lol

GirlGamer12345 22

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Sunday 11 May 2014 6:58

You need to read this again buddy

ChristianH39 30

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Sunday 11 May 2014 7:07

And learn to English

jimmy_poison 19

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Sunday 11 May 2014 8:41

Do you even English?

vuduguru 5

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Sunday 11 May 2014 20:22

I learn to English yah lol

iOceanus 18

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Sunday 11 May 2014 22:17

Don't you just love it when people use adjectives in place of adverbs? *raises right arm at an angle*

illegalbeagle69 23

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Sunday 11 May 2014 2:07

At least he didn't walk in on you pooping on the cat... don't ask..

christge1beast 17

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:12

Is there a story behind this?

zandalee 19

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:20

Old FML. Don't ask!!

KingLewisII 34

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:21

Shh he said don't ask

SouthernLady12 13

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Sunday 11 May 2014 3:54

I'm too nosy to not know what the old FML said... tell me. I promise not to tell anyone else ;)

xlord 27

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Sunday 11 May 2014 4:31

I searched poop + lets just say I found pages and pages of FMLs.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Sunday 11 May 2014 16:22

I'm asking as well! at least it wasn't in the litter box also?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 152

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 240

Drugs are bad, well, some of them

Bird's eye view

Gun control

Adding insult to injury

Midlife crisis

What a tool

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