Animals: Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked...

By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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Animals

And today, on Dr Phil…

Detection

Movie worthy

By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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1791

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By Anonymous - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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52069

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By Somessedup - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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24151

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By fucked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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41292

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Hopeless

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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4962

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301

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By Poly24 - France - La Courneuve

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

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54004

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML

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35938

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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27856

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By emmmbo - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

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55707

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By eeh - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

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30585

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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27568

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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20141

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that, because I'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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33075

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2361

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By Surewhatever

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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1379

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115

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By Drunk - United States

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

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28096

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By kazmatazz - Oman

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

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23444

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9034

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By appendicitisanyone - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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5701

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609

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By LostInSunday

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

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11202

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By leaftheerickson - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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24870

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1592

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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51651

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By nazirah4shizzle - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

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39199

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By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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74983

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

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41819

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By Sad ex-wife - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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35892

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By catgirl911 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

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15119

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By lifesuck - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

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33455

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

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78362

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By strayy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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27521

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By A.Summers - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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45907

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By ColderThanCold

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

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1809

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By theJoblessArchaeologist - Canada - Vancouver

Today, as within the last couple of years, my dream job is only accepting applications from students continuing their degree in the fall. Literally, people with half degrees can get what I can't get with a full degree and experience. FML

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4232

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By AllergyRidden - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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29578

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2287

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

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30570

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By Anonymous

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

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40436

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By BossesLittleBrat - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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13741

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By please leave... - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

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33078

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By Deaf Dumb & Blonde - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

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14438

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By fenris - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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Top comments

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

By ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

COMMENTS

By SqueezeMe32 | 9

#5940979 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

Don't worry OP...he prolly does the same thing when you're not home lol!! Laugh it off!!

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941008 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:24

I don't think he does..

sunnyray812 | 42

#5941049 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:25

Prolly?

ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

gjikvtj | 18

#5941148 - Sunday 11 May 2014 5:34

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say prolly nod

ilovetraveler | 17

#5941518 - Sunday 11 May 2014 17:39

I'm favoriting this for the comments.

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

Melix | 31

#5941014 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:35

Everytime we touch, I get this feeling
Everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly!

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#5941024 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:45

Can't you feel my heart beat fast?
I want this to last
Need you by my side

Demig0d6 | 14

#5941028 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:54

Cause every time we touch I feel my stomach
And every time we kiss I reach for the toilet paper

buckdharma | 36

#5941048 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:22

The Beatles- Get Back.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#5941092 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:20

Cause every time we touch. I feel the static, and - AHH FLUFFY STOP ATTACKING ME! I know I'm a bad singer, but DAMN!

AmexBlack | 24

#5941311 - Sunday 11 May 2014 12:15

I was thinking more along the lines of...
'Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur. Happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr'

orientalwhisker | 6

#5974668 - Saturday 14 June 2014 2:09

"I want to kiss you all over."

By RMoreNY | 15

#5940981 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

FYL, that's embarrassing

EternalRest | 5

#5941243 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:17

This didn't go the way I was expecting it to..

MrsDruidess | 23

#5941268 - Sunday 11 May 2014 9:50

the singing to her cat is a little embarrassing, but damn being home alone is no reason not to close the door for a #2. poop spores man! ewww YDI

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941436 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:20

they don't fly around the house, 71.

addictedtosorrow | 12

#5943195 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 5:53

Being home alone is reason for no doors being closed and yelling at the top of your lungs

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5940983 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

That's just purr-fect.

By CobraLazerFace | 21

#5940984 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:01

This sounds just like my cousins internet browsing history.

By BootheGhost | 6

#5940986 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Well that's a shi- *coughs loudly* Surely something he won't let down easy.

By jjander69 | 11

#5940987 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Now.. That just made my day.

By iamananglophile | 18

#5940988 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:05

Shit happens.

By Victormoon | 14

#5940989 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:06

That's hilarious, did he at least song good? Lol

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941199 - Sunday 11 May 2014 6:58

You need to read this again buddy

ChristianH39 | 30

#5941205 - Sunday 11 May 2014 7:07

And learn to English

jimmy_poison | 19

#5941248 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:41

Do you even English?

vuduguru | 5

#5941712 - Sunday 11 May 2014 20:22

I learn to English yah lol

iOceanus | 18

#5941802 - Sunday 11 May 2014 22:17

Don't you just love it when people use adjectives in place of adverbs? *raises right arm at an angle*

By illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5940990 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:07

At least he didn't walk in on you pooping on the cat... don't ask..

christge1beast | 17

#5941036 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:12

Is there a story behind this?

zandalee | 19

#5941045 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:20

Old FML. Don't ask!!

KingLewisII | 34

#5941046 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:21

Shh he said don't ask

SouthernLady12 | 13

#5941077 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:54

I'm too nosy to not know what the old FML said... tell me. I promise not to tell anyone else ;)

xlord | 27

#5941097 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:31

I searched poop + lets just say I found pages and pages of FMLs.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941439 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:22

I'm asking as well!

at least it wasn't in the litter box also?