Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked...

By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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Animals

Fairytale ending

Sewer monster

Hello everyone!

By Unloved. - 15/9/2009 10:09 - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

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By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - 29/8/2013 10:44 - France - Poissy

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 16:41 - United States

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

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By j0natron - 3/2/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

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By WhatALoserAmI - 27/6/2016 16:08 - India - Bhopal

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

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By semischweet - 1/9/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

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By krizleykrislo - 30/4/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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By really mature, GRAN - 25/12/2012 20:59 - United States - El Macero

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

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By Dog Person Now - 31/5/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

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By jacquelle - 25/2/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had done the laundry. At first, I was very appreciative. However, I wasn't so thankful when I found out she brought home the wrong basket from the laundromat. FML

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By Grad Student - 13/1/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - 12/12/2016 01:13 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By jimmy_poison - 9/2/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

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By Mark - 13/8/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

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By DD - 8/2/2010 14:18 - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By jetlagged - 16/1/2011 17:17 - Sweden

Today, for an eight hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML

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By Bilibók Renáta - 16/8/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

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By miseventshappen - 9/11/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2012 12:36 - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By Nick - 14/7/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By Rose - 23/7/2012 23:06 - United States

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML

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By biggmouth - 26/3/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By corasmom - 27/7/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By GothicbunnyxC - 28/1/2012 23:31 - Canada

Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

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By thammer - 27/3/2012 12:25 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By FANZZY - 18/8/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By ~~~ - 29/6/2014 17:08 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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By lostintellct - 11/5/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By Photoshopped - 18/7/2016 04:34 - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Xabeix - 3/6/2019 08:00 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By Hi-Tech - 3/3/2015 15:34 - Europe

Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML

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By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

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By Curly - 9/1/2013 00:26 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

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Top comments

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

By ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

COMMENTS

By SqueezeMe32 | 9

#5940979 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

Don't worry OP...he prolly does the same thing when you're not home lol!! Laugh it off!!

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941008 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:24

I don't think he does..

sunnyray812 | 42

#5941049 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:25

Prolly?

ironichalibut | 24

#5941082 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:59

Prolly want a cracker?

gjikvtj | 18

#5941148 - Sunday 11 May 2014 5:34

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say prolly nod

ilovetraveler | 17

#5941518 - Sunday 11 May 2014 17:39

I'm favoriting this for the comments.

By lightanddark | 17

#5940980 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

What did you sing to your cat?

Melix | 31

#5941014 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:35

Everytime we touch, I get this feeling
Everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly!

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#5941024 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:45

Can't you feel my heart beat fast?
I want this to last
Need you by my side

Demig0d6 | 14

#5941028 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:54

Cause every time we touch I feel my stomach
And every time we kiss I reach for the toilet paper

buckdharma | 36

#5941048 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:22

The Beatles- Get Back.

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#5941092 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:20

Cause every time we touch. I feel the static, and - AHH FLUFFY STOP ATTACKING ME! I know I'm a bad singer, but DAMN!

AmexBlack | 24

#5941311 - Sunday 11 May 2014 12:15

I was thinking more along the lines of...
'Soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur. Happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr'

orientalwhisker | 6

#5974668 - Saturday 14 June 2014 2:09

"I want to kiss you all over."

By RMoreNY | 15

#5940981 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

FYL, that's embarrassing

EternalRest | 5

#5941243 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:17

This didn't go the way I was expecting it to..

MrsDruidess | 23

#5941268 - Sunday 11 May 2014 9:50

the singing to her cat is a little embarrassing, but damn being home alone is no reason not to close the door for a #2. poop spores man! ewww YDI

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941436 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:20

they don't fly around the house, 71.

addictedtosorrow | 12

#5943195 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 5:53

Being home alone is reason for no doors being closed and yelling at the top of your lungs

By frozen92_fml | 12

#5940983 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:00

That's just purr-fect.

By CobraLazerFace | 21

#5940984 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:01

This sounds just like my cousins internet browsing history.

By BootheGhost | 6

#5940986 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Well that's a shi- *coughs loudly* Surely something he won't let down easy.

By jjander69 | 11

#5940987 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:04

Now.. That just made my day.

By iamananglophile | 18

#5940988 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:05

Shit happens.

By Victormoon | 14

#5940989 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:06

That's hilarious, did he at least song good? Lol

GirlGamer12345 | 22

#5941199 - Sunday 11 May 2014 6:58

You need to read this again buddy

ChristianH39 | 30

#5941205 - Sunday 11 May 2014 7:07

And learn to English

jimmy_poison | 19

#5941248 - Sunday 11 May 2014 8:41

Do you even English?

vuduguru | 5

#5941712 - Sunday 11 May 2014 20:22

I learn to English yah lol

iOceanus | 18

#5941802 - Sunday 11 May 2014 22:17

Don't you just love it when people use adjectives in place of adverbs? *raises right arm at an angle*

By illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5940990 - Sunday 11 May 2014 2:07

At least he didn't walk in on you pooping on the cat... don't ask..

christge1beast | 17

#5941036 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:12

Is there a story behind this?

zandalee | 19

#5941045 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:20

Old FML. Don't ask!!

KingLewisII | 34

#5941046 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:21

Shh he said don't ask

SouthernLady12 | 13

#5941077 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:54

I'm too nosy to not know what the old FML said... tell me. I promise not to tell anyone else ;)

xlord | 27

#5941097 - Sunday 11 May 2014 4:31

I searched poop + lets just say I found pages and pages of FMLs.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5941439 - Sunday 11 May 2014 16:22

I'm asking as well!

at least it wasn't in the litter box also?