Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic...

By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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Late term

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

By accidentalslut - United States

Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML

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By Michael

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By ph2222 - United States - Toledo

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By Baustigt - Australia - Perth

Today, someone on Facebook posted a really tiny picture that I couldn't read properly, so I responded, "What is this? A picture for ants?!" Turns out it was a commentary about rape, and now I look like an insensitive jackass. FML

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By shootme - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

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Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By belladonna1025 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

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By Therunawaymoh

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

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By Detroitman125

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

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By farmingman - United States

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

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By me - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By Nucleus - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

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By blank - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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By farmvillefail - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Catfished

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By fuckit - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By traumatized - United States

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

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By Amy

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

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By insanitycalling - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By Gross - United States - Houston

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

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By Druggie - United States - Culver City

Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML

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By LLCoolBean - United States

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

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By LoLWut?? nd Why?? - United States

Today, I went to a library to return a book that I've had for years. After a heated discussion with the librarian, not only did she charge me over a hundred dollars for the book, she also called the cops to escort me out. FML

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By me - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 08:02

Proud boy

Today, I went on a Tinder date. He seemed pretty normal. Very handsome, and a complete gentleman. Turned out he's a white supremacist. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend met my parents for the first time. The first thing my mom said to my girlfriend was, "Honey, are you ok? You look like you got hives." FML

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By Headless - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7726067 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 15:15

While you're at it, calmly explain to your husband what he's doing wrong. If he tries to disagree with you, the frying pan used to cook the bacon can also be used to help get your point across, by bashing him in the head with it until he sees sense. Or stars.

By krray | 6

#7799388 - Thursday 2 May 2019 19:06

As you apparently already know grease is a septic system KILLER.
Try and get the septic system people on the phone -- and have THEM explain this to your husband.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7726067 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 15:15

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7799377 - Thursday 2 May 2019 18:23

I thought this one looked familiar. How has it taken six months to be posted to the main site?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7799353 - Thursday 2 May 2019 16:53

Hopefully, you can pay the septic guy in bacon, because...mmmm, bacon!

By krray | 6

#7799388 - Thursday 2 May 2019 19:06

As you apparently already know grease is a septic system KILLER.
Try and get the septic system people on the phone -- and have THEM explain this to your husband.

By toxicMadame | 7

#7799472 - Friday 3 May 2019 0:08

That is not what you do with bacon grease you use it to flavor scrambled eggs

JasonThorn | 18

#7799491 - Friday 3 May 2019 2:08

There's a lot of good uses for bacon grease. My brother uses it to make homemade dog treats, and in place of oil for frying.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7799512 - Friday 3 May 2019 5:22

Your husband is a moron or ignorant

By Cole Manson | 10

#7799539 - Friday 3 May 2019 8:27

How the hell do you make enough bacon to have half a liter of grease in a time span soon enough to be able to POUR it down the drain.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7799632 - Friday 3 May 2019 13:16

who the fuck does your husband think he is? pouring down good bacon grease?? you can use it in your cooking for fuck sakes!

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7799647 - Friday 3 May 2019 14:29

YDI for being married to the idiot who wastes good bacon grease. How much bacon did he cook to make that much grease anyway? Instead of watching him pour it all, why didn't you stop him when he started?

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7929695 - Monday 10 August 2020 5:00

I'm curious. Did you speak up and tell him not to do that?