Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic...

By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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Commando

Out of it

Messed up

By nice education you've got there - United States - Monroe

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schenectady

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

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By CaityLovesBo - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

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By Sad elf - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

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By CorCelesti - United States

Today, I got married. My father saw this as a good time to give some solemn, heartfelt advice to my new husband: "That ring gets real heavy fast." I was standing right there. So was my mother. FML

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By helpless_soul - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

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By Forgotten Birthday Girl

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

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By MoncaBang - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Justaddwater - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methanphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year old father. FML

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By userrrrr - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 17:00

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

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By NotHappyJan

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

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By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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By everore - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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By friskeyk14 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

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By fml - Canada

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

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By jeed(1) - France - Marseille

Today, at work, I stepped out for a few minutes to use the bathroom. Shortly after returning, I found out the hard way that one of my coworkers had used my computer to send a profanity-filled email to our boss, calling him an asshole and telling him to go fuck himself. I'm now jobless. FML

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By David - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By Iamlonesometonight

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

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By damnedbydurberg - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML

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By tina247

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

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By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Scandalous!

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

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By turtles_yup - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By spastic hardon - Australia - Templestowe

Today, I misplaced my phone at small house party. I found it later, but not before being called a sick bastard by my crush. It seems one of my "friends" sent her a cock pic with my phone, and now she wants nothing to do with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By calidumbass - United States

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

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By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

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By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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By _Asykes_

Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7726067 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 15:15

While you're at it, calmly explain to your husband what he's doing wrong. If he tries to disagree with you, the frying pan used to cook the bacon can also be used to help get your point across, by bashing him in the head with it until he sees sense. Or stars.

By krray | 6

#7799388 - Thursday 2 May 2019 19:06

As you apparently already know grease is a septic system KILLER.
Try and get the septic system people on the phone -- and have THEM explain this to your husband.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7726067 - Tuesday 20 November 2018 15:15

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7799377 - Thursday 2 May 2019 18:23

I thought this one looked familiar. How has it taken six months to be posted to the main site?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7799353 - Thursday 2 May 2019 16:53

Hopefully, you can pay the septic guy in bacon, because...mmmm, bacon!

By krray | 6

#7799388 - Thursday 2 May 2019 19:06

As you apparently already know grease is a septic system KILLER.
Try and get the septic system people on the phone -- and have THEM explain this to your husband.

By toxicMadame | 7

#7799472 - Friday 3 May 2019 0:08

That is not what you do with bacon grease you use it to flavor scrambled eggs

JasonThorn | 18

#7799491 - Friday 3 May 2019 2:08

There's a lot of good uses for bacon grease. My brother uses it to make homemade dog treats, and in place of oil for frying.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7799512 - Friday 3 May 2019 5:22

Your husband is a moron or ignorant

By Cole Manson | 10

#7799539 - Friday 3 May 2019 8:27

How the hell do you make enough bacon to have half a liter of grease in a time span soon enough to be able to POUR it down the drain.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7799632 - Friday 3 May 2019 13:16

who the fuck does your husband think he is? pouring down good bacon grease?? you can use it in your cooking for fuck sakes!

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7799647 - Friday 3 May 2019 14:29

YDI for being married to the idiot who wastes good bacon grease. How much bacon did he cook to make that much grease anyway? Instead of watching him pour it all, why didn't you stop him when he started?

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7929695 - Monday 10 August 2020 5:00

I'm curious. Did you speak up and tell him not to do that?