Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy...

By Kay - 3/2/2011 05:33

Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML

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Health

Instadrama

Rock, hard place

DINOSAURS!!

By Boarder - 1/6/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By Vampprobs - 25/3/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By OneYearMistake. - 22/7/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By holy - 21/10/2009 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2017 14:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

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By brokeandalone - 30/7/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By NoThanks - 11/5/2018 01:30

How kind...

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

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By scully11 - 2/8/2011 18:36 - Canada

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - 14/9/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By crawfo - 31/8/2009 13:54 - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 13:39 - Australia

Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 13:35 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

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By wispywee - 29/6/2011 17:47 - Canada

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

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By Timmah - 31/8/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Fashionista

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

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By robert - 31/1/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 12:01

Balls up

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 23:02 - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

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By ronniewciv - 30/12/2011 07:48

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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By wtf - 3/5/2014 16:50 - Germany - Ramstein

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML

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By Username - 27/12/2011 08:39

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

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By spitballer1 - 6/7/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 19:08 - United States

Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML

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By coleslaw - 3/2/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

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By William - 25/11/2008 04:27 - France

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

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By DogDoingScience - 1/9/2011 15:45 - Czech Republic

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

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By some people... - 19/9/2013 05:35 - United States

Today, a man at the comic book store I work at asked me if Spider-Man is based on a real story, and verbally abused me when, thinking he was joking, I laughed. He wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over 2 years said he wants to get married before he leaves for basic training. Not because he loves me, but because he'll get paid more if he's married. This is the only time he's been excited about marriage. FML

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By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By BluBaller - 6/4/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

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By shittysituation - 5/1/2015 06:27 - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By skinnybitch - 8/9/2019 14:00

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - 11/3/2017 13:00 - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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Top comments

By alwa7sh | 2

#2041091 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:28

Ok ladies we have to put an end to this, we know you use the bathroom for things other than showering. We have known it our whole lives. So if your boyfriend, husband, ex-hasband, father in-law's second brother or any male walked in on you it is ok just finish what you started. So please no more FMLs about getting caught using the bathroom.

By x_Cupcakes | 0

#2041035 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:17

I hope you finished up quickly.

COMMENTS

By x_Cupcakes | 0

#2041035 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:17

I hope you finished up quickly.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2041037 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:17

cue the shitty puns...

alwa7sh | 2

#2041070 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:23

OP, That is a shitty situation ! Its ok life is full of crappy moments like these.
#2 I hope this doesn't make you feel like shit.

ripjohnlennon | 5

#2041500 - Thursday 3 February 2011 15:33

hah! I get it^

smokeymcpottt | 3

#2041510 - Thursday 3 February 2011 15:44

^ No shit!

By Rawr1918 | 4

#2041051 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:19

2# Hahaha :)

By Hummbinger | 5

#2041061 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:21

Fake, girls don't shit.

newjerseyguy | 0

#2041567 - Thursday 3 February 2011 16:19

agreed

thejacl | 0

#2041683 - Thursday 3 February 2011 17:51

or fart...

qcumberlovar | 2

#2041729 - Thursday 3 February 2011 18:37

haha ignorance is bliss. :)

By CreateZ | 0

#2041063 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:21

Reverse blumpkin?

TalkSick | 2

#2042595 - Friday 4 February 2011 2:28

HAHAHA exactly. :D

By alwa7sh | 2

#2041091 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:28

tr0llz0r | 0

#2041112 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:35

Nobody wants to hear that shit. We get it; you poop. Congratulations.

VertigoSD | 0

#2041526 - Thursday 3 February 2011 16:02

What a shitty statement @7.

xrawritsashleyx | 11

#2041954 - Thursday 3 February 2011 21:13

its pretty much only an FML cuz as much as everybody poops... its embarrasing to most girls. my ex always pooped when i was around. at my house and his. and he announced it. i never pooped at his house and when i had to i never announced it. its just slightly embarrassing for us girls. we dont know why. especially if its a new relationship.

bananamonkee | 0

#2042325 - Friday 4 February 2011 0:27

hahah for reals shit, drop the kids off and tidy up cause as long as you ain't doing anything un natural get your ass out the toilet and open the door

DigitalKnight | 0

#2047331 - Saturday 5 February 2011 8:01

Absolutely. So you pooped and may be he came to know or he heard. So what?

By tr0llz0r | 0

#2041095 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:32

Recommended reading: "Everybody Poops." While it may not be the screaming shits like you have, it still occurs. My advice? Shit as loud as you can. The toilet provides excellent harmonics for your butt trumpet. Make us proud.

By Bekll | 30

#2041099 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:32

Why is this under medical?

tr0llz0r | 0

#2041120 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:37

Bodily functions are quite medical in nature. Heh. Nature. See what I did there?

By xStiina | 0

#2041167 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:57

It was sh!tty situation you just got into...

anma_fml | 0

#2041923 - Thursday 3 February 2011 20:49

no. it's not.

By MaiDeath | 0

#2041172 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:59

You shouldve text him