Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents...

By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 10:17 - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

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Assumptions

By bg4545 - 24/3/2016 03:39 - United States - Whittier

Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML

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By almost governmental - 5/9/2014 22:02 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

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By flaps - 19/8/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By okaythen6 - 9/12/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

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By americanbln - 1/8/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By snortingspunk - 3/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

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By choker - 14/3/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2014 19:33 - United States

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

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By budgetboss - 8/6/2018 18:30 - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

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By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

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By CaBur - 19/2/2013 22:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

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By Weezylover - 26/5/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By love-shot - 17/8/2013 08:24 - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 07:03 - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By Etta - 4/3/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

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By Hoggiebear - 5/10/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

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By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 22:30

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

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By foreveralone - 17/2/2015 15:48 - United States - Sherman

Today, I was talking to my best friend's brother after we drunkenly hooked up last night. I've had a crush on him for over a year. He ended up interrupting himself and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to think we're dating or anything." FML

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By misTreated - 30/5/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 09:45 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By grem - 13/4/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

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By rhya4n - 15/5/2012 19:27 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

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By imagrouch - 30/7/2013 14:25 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

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By disciplinaryaction - 21/11/2011 07:02 - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 23:22 - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 05:19 - Australia

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By weeble_wobbles09 - 26/12/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

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By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By knevs - 22/6/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

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By guy - 25/11/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, my entire family came over for thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fist fight and only one cop car was called. FML

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By Grace - 17/10/2018 03:00

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 17:46 - United Kingdom

Today, on our first holiday together, my boyfriend decided to spend his time reminiscing about having come here once with his ex. He then decided to go type up an email to her about it. FML

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By gotitEVERYWHERE - 8/3/2010 22:40 - United States

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By RustyBulletHole - 4/2/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

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By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2011 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

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Top comments

By LOLatU87 | 0

#1365645 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

OMG kill your step parents!

By green_eyes124 | 0

#1365759 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:58

wow! kind of seems like they should be responsible for buying you new gifts. I can't believe someone wouldn't make absolutely sure that the door to a place where people could've just seen you take a bunch of gifts was locked. it's like going christmas shopping at the mall, taking a handful of gifts to the car, and going back to shop more: the gifts will be gone when you get back. oh well... sorry op : (

Comments

By LOLatU87 | 0

#1365645 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

OMG kill your step parents!

LOLatU87 | 0

#1365692 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:17

I meant parents in law.... y'all knew what I meant

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#1365697 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

fail lol

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#1365698 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

fail lol

BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1365700 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

insurance?

Heazie | 0

#1365703 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:23

They aren't his step parents...

LOLatU87 | 0

#1365705 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:24

nod "hangs head"

sixtimessix | 0

#1365710 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:25

so much fail happening here.

legonut4 | 0

#1365724 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:34

now your playing with burglary

Jonkbaby | 19

#1365860 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:14

horrible horrible situation- but you gotta learn what's truly important here

starile | 19

#1365941 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:49

Yeah, your in laws suck ass and I hope they feel absolutely horrible for their stupidity.

oogyboogy | 6

#1366424 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 21:18

you live under my roof you live by my rules!!

Tweety122888 | 0

#1368329 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 6:43

inlaws just fuck everything up!!! they should mind their own damn business!!!!

By l_2589 | 0

#1365650 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

haha that sucks fyl

Matu | 4

#1370116 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 13:51

he was probably living in the projects

By Arkzadere | 0

#1365666 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:05

Ouch, sorry bro.

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1389225 - Sunday 12 September 2010 1:12

u still have each other, awwww

By Sailor_Mars | 6

#1365667 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:05

that's a great start to your new life together

By KBruce317 | 0

#1365672 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:06

Oh man... that sucks :/

oakleyguy | 0

#1365715 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:28

uh-huh.....

By BrookeBabe92 | 0

#1365676 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:07

That really sucks, FYL.

Mauskau | 35

#1367172 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 1:28

I was about to say you were really pretty but then I saw the shitload of piercings and changed my mind. ew at the one on the bridge of your nose. ick.

and lol op kill them