Miscellaneous: Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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Miscellaneous

It is what it is

Insurance is a scam

Mr Nice Guy

By not laughing anymore - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By Crushed

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By fml_forever32 - United States

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

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By Employee - United States - Lincoln

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 21:30

Tinder surprise

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

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By IAmACoolCat - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 02:07

Father material

Today, according to my husband, if I die first he won’t be looking after my son from a previous marriage. Either my sister will have to take him or he’ll go into foster care. He doesn’t want kids of his own, so he’ll be dammed if he has to look after someone else’s just because I’m dead. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By MailMaster - Australia

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

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By z - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

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Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By david - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By mookiemookie01

Today, after years of frustration, I got a t-shirt printed that says, "I am a girl". FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

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By cacheson - 5/6/2020 23:00

The Good Fight

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

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By Andy

Stoners of the world unite!

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

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By ohgawd - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

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By fml

Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

AKA taking a screenshot

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By jitterbug - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

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By WaffleMan - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

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By wife of a shithead - Norway - Oslo

Today, my over-protective husband went into an extreme fit of jealousy at the sight of me breast-feeding our newborn baby boy. He's trying to make me bottle-feed our boy, because apparently it's "wrong" to let another guy touch my boobs. FML

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By ThisChick - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By Sloppy Cashmere - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By Benji

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he was my landlord. FML

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By Liz0352 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Alpha - Estonia

Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML

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By lovelychris - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

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By dregmanhart

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

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By Kali - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. They spent five minutes explaining job duties and I listened with anticipation. Then they spent five minutes explaining why I wasn't the right person for the job. FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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Top comments

By LOLatU87 | 0

#1365645 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

OMG kill your step parents!

By green_eyes124 | 0

#1365759 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:58

wow! kind of seems like they should be responsible for buying you new gifts. I can't believe someone wouldn't make absolutely sure that the door to a place where people could've just seen you take a bunch of gifts was locked. it's like going christmas shopping at the mall, taking a handful of gifts to the car, and going back to shop more: the gifts will be gone when you get back. oh well... sorry op : (

COMMENTS

By LOLatU87 | 0

#1365645 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

OMG kill your step parents!

LOLatU87 | 0

#1365692 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:17

I meant parents in law.... y'all knew what I meant

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#1365697 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

fail lol

NotYourOrdinary7 | 6

#1365698 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

fail lol

BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1365700 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:20

insurance?

Heazie | 0

#1365703 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:23

They aren't his step parents...

LOLatU87 | 0

#1365705 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:24

nod "hangs head"

sixtimessix | 0

#1365710 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:25

so much fail happening here.

legonut4 | 0

#1365724 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:34

now your playing with burglary

Jonkbaby | 20

#1365860 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:14

horrible horrible situation- but you gotta learn what's truly important here

starile | 19

#1365941 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 18:49

Yeah, your in laws suck ass and I hope they feel absolutely horrible for their stupidity.

oogyboogy | 6

#1366424 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 21:18

you live under my roof you live by my rules!!

Tweety122888 | 0

#1368329 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 6:43

inlaws just fuck everything up!!! they should mind their own damn business!!!!

By l_2589 | 0

#1365650 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:00

haha that sucks fyl

Matu | 4

#1370116 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 13:51

he was probably living in the projects

By Arkzadere | 0

#1365666 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:05

Ouch, sorry bro.

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1389225 - Sunday 12 September 2010 1:12

u still have each other, awwww

By Sailor_Mars | 6

#1365667 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:05

that's a great start to your new life together

By KBruce317 | 0

#1365672 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:06

Oh man... that sucks :/

oakleyguy | 0

#1365715 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:28

uh-huh.....

By BrookeBabe92 | 0

#1365676 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 16:07

That really sucks, FYL.

Mauskau | 35

#1367172 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 1:28

I was about to say you were really pretty but then I saw the shitload of piercings and changed my mind. ew at the one on the bridge of your nose. ick.

and lol op kill them