Money: Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him....

By Anonymous - 09/11/2013 20:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 104

You deserved it 3 794

Money

Leave us alone

Late term

Ran out

By jajaja - 01/03/2009 19:45 - Canada

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 713

You deserved it 4 656

Two Scoops

By ice ice baby - 08/09/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 275

By Christina - 29/06/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 371

You deserved it 3 080

By Anonymous - 02/01/2010 07:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 966

You deserved it 4 667

By shizzy09 - 13/04/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 427

You deserved it 5 107

Chill out, dude

By Anonymous - 27/09/2012 15:31 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I saw a dog trying to attack a man. I have experience working with aggressive dogs, so I pulled the dog off him and got it under control. The man punched me in the face for not having my dog on a leash. It wasn't my dog. I don't even own a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 715

You deserved it 2 082

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 622

You deserved it 3 973

By Can I press charges? - 15/01/2015 17:23 - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 519

You deserved it 4 643

By Darryl - 12/05/2015 12:53 - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 291

You deserved it 4 924

By Bathroom Problems - 02/01/2010 19:24 - France

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 668

You deserved it 3 920

By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 676

You deserved it 7 721

By Anonymous - 18/02/2013 07:44 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 219

You deserved it 4 582

By PunkChik27 - 12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 057

You deserved it 4 450

By nightowl506 - 21/11/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 833

You deserved it 4 006

By tikizombie - 30/08/2010 20:10 - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 142

You deserved it 8 356

By thetheatreguy - 26/02/2009 14:56 - Canada

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 508

You deserved it 12 791

By yaa - 26/05/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, on my way out of the subway station, I noticed an older woman standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a large cart. I went up to her and asked if she needed help getting it up the stairs. She looks me up and down and says, "No, not from you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 003

You deserved it 4 245

Take it easy

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 11:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, despite my muscles being just fine, my genetic collagen deformity has caused insane amounts of pain over things like 'walking' or 'sweeping the floor'. I used to be able to hike up mountains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 52

By Jess - 04/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 774

You deserved it 3 529

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 007

You deserved it 52 367

By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 296

You deserved it 49 520

Major annoyance

By E.B. - 27/06/2014 00:07 - United States - Grenada

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 893

You deserved it 4 853

By Anonyme - 24/04/2014 06:57 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 916

You deserved it 7 734

By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 21:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 019

You deserved it 4 190

Ready for the grill!

By boopingsnoot - 05/08/2017 20:00

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 956

You deserved it 304

Awkwaaaaaard

By Why - 02/04/2014 08:13 - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 551

You deserved it 6 295

By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/01/2011 14:18

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 829

You deserved it 2 982

By totalloss - 01/04/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 274

You deserved it 2 127

By Un1ucky - 08/06/2014 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 718

You deserved it 7 419

By ConstantChoas - 12/07/2019 06:07

Today, I found out the procedure manual I've been creating for months and finally finished is going to be used to train the person replacing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 144

You deserved it 131

End me

By Daniel_rules - 17/04/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 833

You deserved it 10 049

Phantom pooper

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, all of my roommates were home. I really had to poop all day but the bathroom was being hogged. Once I finally got the chance to go, I guess the toilet didn't flush all the way and I didn't notice. The other roommates loudly asked each other who it was, and they all started loudly taking about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 378

Insane parents

By can’t nerd right - 04/08/2020 02:02

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 338

You deserved it 191

By Anonymous - 26/07/2019 20:00

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 832

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 17:24 - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 819

You deserved it 10 024

Silver linings

By 10 years, 0 dates - 28/11/2020 11:03

Today, I wanted to ask out this cute girl I used to work with. Before I could, she said she likes my only friend there, and asked if could I set them up. Trying to be nice guy and good friend, I did. Then she made her complete lack of interest in me obvious. But hey, at least the gay guy she hung out with thought I was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 113

By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 244

You deserved it 30 169

By LoveLost - 09/07/2016 02:57

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 178

You deserved it 2 737

Gourmet dinner

By the_emilymohr - 28/03/2020 23:00

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 209

By olive_costume - 05/12/2009 01:16 - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 647

You deserved it 8 037

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Top comments

jonahwalzer 12

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:50

I would call the cops, or something....you cant just let him do that

ElricMustang 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:53

*Slow claps*

MidnaLink 33

Sunday 10 November 2013 2:49

I think he did that on purpose.

ElricMustang 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:53

*Slow claps*

Sandsh8rk 36

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:55

I think we've found Captain Obvious.

DJisHere11 19

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:59

#1 OMG! Are you like... Serious?

ManInTheMachine 19

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:59

Hey guys, looks like the new Season of Sherlock came early!

Ambient25 24

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:03

Thankfully #1 commented, I was still on the ropes if he took it on purpose or if the dog framed him.

Ambient25 24

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:09

#19 Private Oblivious reporting for duty

MidnaLink 33

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:01

No need to be rude...

JMichael 25

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:02

Thanks to you #1 the mystery is solved, you pesky kid you. Where's Scooby so I can give him a congratulatory paw shake?

jazzy_123 20

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Sunday 10 November 2013 9:40

Really? I never would have known. For a second there I thought maybe he took it by accident.

Nyx_fml 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:49

Leaving you wasn't enough. He also had to screw you over. :/

Ambient25 24

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:50

So track your (hopefully ex) boyfriend down and get that dough!!

jonahwalzer 12

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:50

I would call the cops, or something....you cant just let him do that

ohsnapcrackers 6

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Sunday 10 November 2013 10:03

I don't think calling the cops would work very well, in my mind it'll go something like " my boyfriend left me and took my money too, no I'm not just saying this because he broke up with me!" it's almost impossible to prove when cash is stolen, tough luck op.

jrock9093 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:51

What a jerk, call the cops and make report and show to landlord don't let him take you down to his level

Shade1982 20

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Monday 11 November 2013 9:25

That actually sounds easier than it is. The cops can't just take your word for it, someone has to be able to support said claim.

annie_nk 22

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:51

I believe that counts at theft. Report him.

ElricMustang 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:03

Can she? If it's cash, would she have any proof?

jrock9093 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:12

Yes she can even if it was cash! Plus she just said rent money so really leave her alone! We don't need your rudeness, be funny like you did on number #1 plus I'm a cop so I think I know you can report it to police or even renters insurance it's theft if he was on the lease and burglary if he was not

annie_nk 22

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:34

It'd also implied that he stole more than just the rent money.

jrock9093 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:43

To me he was being rude and me as a police officer, would no a little more about the crime of any was committed! You have you right to your opinion all thew!

jrock9093 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:45

And maybe it wasn't rude in a different view! So thank you #31

dakotahulsey 15

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:22

It wasn't rude at all he was asking a question to see if it would even hold water. Idk what any of this has to do with you being a police officer.

ElricMustang 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:46

Mr. Cop sir, I wasn't being rude. Next time, you should try to consider that a question doesn't imply someone being rude. Just because I had a reply like the one for #1 doesn't mean all of.mine will be like that. I asked a serious question about if it would be proof if it were cash. You got so defensive with your "I think I would know because I'm a cop", yet I had no idea you even existed until you replied to my comment. So I'm going to ask kindly that you learn to realize that not every question on the internet is sarcastic. There was really no way I can interpret my questions as sarcasm.