Love: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you,...

By Jackie Campbell - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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Love

The smell detective is on the case

What a headache

Dodged a bullet

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza online to be delivered to my apartment. After an hour of waiting, I called the pizza place to ask what the problem was. Apparently, the people at the apartment below me took my already paid for pizza and ate it. FML

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By Singleagain - Sint Maarten (Dutch part) - Philipsburg

Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Vlissingen

Today, I had to take the train from my hometown to my university for a very important meeting concerning my foreign exchange program. When I finally arrived, I noticed a Post-it on the door: "Meeting cancelled, sick". I basically made a 9-hour day-trip for a half-an-hour walk. FML

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By yes, yes it does :( - United States

Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML

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By Oihana - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

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By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

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By missbutthole - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By j.b. - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By MGZ - United States

Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

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By unsatisfied - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 14:05

Pushover

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

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By ambiiii - United States - Marble Falls

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

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25487

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By HomicidalPegasus - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

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By Pool-less - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By paidback - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

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By SpongeAbii2 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 17:06

Bismillah no!

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

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By SupaSu - Canada

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

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By gunnar

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By fbcaught - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By kellb123 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my older, temporary coworker comments every time I yawn, sneeze, cough, leave my desk to use the restroom, and on what I eat at lunch, laughing the whole time. It’s driving me crazy. Only 8 more weeks. FML

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By julia - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By Pongy

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By MileHighGirlGuy

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2875059 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

It's time to put on your big girl panties now, and move along.

By xxlauruh | 0

#2875054 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:02

lol, slayed. at least he's honest.

COMMENTS

By Jimster1712 | 0

#2875052 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:01

Reminds me of the dream theater song - its you, not me.

zdub101 | 0

#2875064 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:06

well it really must be you

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2875085 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:09

lmao get your act together then girl! prove him wrong!

pertained | 12

#2875117 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:15

dude, that's not innovative. My version was; its not my console, its yours.

spazmattic | 0

#2875121 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:17

*typical reply to OP, NOT #1 so people see my comments before everyone who got there before me*

whiskuit | 0

#2875156 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:23

Standard comment reply.

garrettsgirl | 0

#2875445 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:38

wow he had the balls to say that to you? find someone better!!!

bubble25_fml | 5

#2876271 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:49

regardless of how he put it, you know he meant that. so this is not so much an fml as it is a wakeup call...

a_nutritionist | 10

#2880737 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 8:11

@39 why would someone better want her when someone you dont even deem to be worthy has no interest in her...
"what? that loser doesnt think youre good enough? find someone better!" yeah...likely.

alone_unafraid | 0

#2881149 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 9:32

Its clearly your fault. Dealwithit.jpg

By xxlauruh | 0

#2875054 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:02

lol, slayed. at least he's honest.

daBeast155 | 0

#2875302 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:02

at least he did say " it's not you , it's her ."

chongers18 | 0

#2882653 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 15:50

you should've said ," well your dick was small anyway." :P

onefinemess | 11

#3177179 - Thursday 25 August 2011 13:05

#2 is right, honesty is the best policy as they say...

By marinus_fml | 19

#2875059 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

It's time to put on your big girl panties now, and move along.

bichtygurl | 0

#2875370 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:15

yur right move on chica

missmurderx | 8

#2879021 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 2:58

*you're

xxlauruh | 0

#2879173 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:25

oh god 64, shut the hell up. we get it.

proxxX069069 | 7

#2880463 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 7:05

I've learned I got to keep moving on to the next one :]

Neorecon19 | 18

#2884633 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:13

70, so you play date & dump? that's kinda sad.

Andrew6111 | 6

#3997737 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:28

64-HAHA! You're an idiot as it actually is "your".

emba_fml | 13

#4277092 - Sunday 8 April 2012 21:34

64 are you fucking kidding me

By MaskingTape | 2

#2875060 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

Maybe he's right and it really was you. Least he was honest.

By iLazy | 0

#2875066 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:06

He sounds selfish. Then again there is always two sides to this. Ask him the problem and work on it. Even if you don't wanna get back with him, it could benefit others around you.