Love: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you,...

By Jackie Campbell - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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33284

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Love

Commando

BO Central

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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1653

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By THANKS - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

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30944

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By ouagadougou - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By Gottalovepeople

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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5642

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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79546

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By omgstuupidd - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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34017

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By well fuck!

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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2082

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By imustbegay - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

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42224

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By abc123 - United States - Marysville

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML

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48431

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By RetailRage - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

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By lebowski - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

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1932

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By Anonymous - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

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48299

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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57363

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By myl1f3isfuct - United States

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

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By Ham - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

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3512

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By Julie - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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32170

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By HarryBeast - Canada

Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML

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By commando - United States

Today, I was preparing to perform with my marching band at a competition. Right before we went on, a tuba player friend of mine offered to help me stretch. He wound up snapping my bra. I'm a drum major, and had to conduct the entire show while my boobs were falling out. FML

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41913

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By yessssir - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By fuckyoutoo - Canada - Armstrong

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't share food after I tried taking a chip from him. I made popcorn that night, and when he tried to take some, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't share food" to get him back. His response? "I can tell." FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By crazytown62 - United States

Today, it appears that it's Single Loser Awareness Day. FML

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By fmll - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

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By llozano715 - France

Today, I got the car of my dreams. My daughter also learned how to write her name. Now I have "LAUREN" across the side of my car. FML

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By bitch i'm a gerontophile - Taiwan

Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML

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29010

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By Former Drummer - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was diagnosed with migraines. Any loud sounds or bright lights make it worse. I'm the drummer for a heavy metal band, so I now have to choose between really bad migraines or a career. FML

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31036

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By ziggers10 - United States

Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML

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52936

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

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By gwengas - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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49097

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By kira - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

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25515

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By Lindso1

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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4116

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By barebackingit - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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By irwingiggles - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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37694

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By pincushion - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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20026

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

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By whyme

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2875059 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

It's time to put on your big girl panties now, and move along.

By xxlauruh | 0

#2875054 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:02

lol, slayed. at least he's honest.

COMMENTS

By Jimster1712 | 0

#2875052 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:01

Reminds me of the dream theater song - its you, not me.

zdub101 | 0

#2875064 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:06

well it really must be you

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#2875085 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:09

lmao get your act together then girl! prove him wrong!

pertained | 12

#2875117 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:15

dude, that's not innovative. My version was; its not my console, its yours.

spazmattic | 0

#2875121 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:17

*typical reply to OP, NOT #1 so people see my comments before everyone who got there before me*

whiskuit | 0

#2875156 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:23

Standard comment reply.

garrettsgirl | 0

#2875445 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:38

wow he had the balls to say that to you? find someone better!!!

bubble25_fml | 5

#2876271 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:49

regardless of how he put it, you know he meant that. so this is not so much an fml as it is a wakeup call...

a_nutritionist | 10

#2880737 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 8:11

@39 why would someone better want her when someone you dont even deem to be worthy has no interest in her...
"what? that loser doesnt think youre good enough? find someone better!" yeah...likely.

alone_unafraid | 0

#2881149 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 9:32

Its clearly your fault. Dealwithit.jpg

By xxlauruh | 0

#2875054 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:02

lol, slayed. at least he's honest.

daBeast155 | 0

#2875302 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:02

at least he did say " it's not you , it's her ."

chongers18 | 0

#2882653 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 15:50

you should've said ," well your dick was small anyway." :P

onefinemess | 11

#3177179 - Thursday 25 August 2011 13:05

#2 is right, honesty is the best policy as they say...

By marinus_fml | 19

#2875059 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

It's time to put on your big girl panties now, and move along.

bichtygurl | 0

#2875370 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 17:15

yur right move on chica

missmurderx | 8

#2879021 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 2:58

*you're

xxlauruh | 0

#2879173 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 3:25

oh god 64, shut the hell up. we get it.

proxxX069069 | 7

#2880463 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 7:05

I've learned I got to keep moving on to the next one :]

Neorecon19 | 18

#2884633 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:13

70, so you play date & dump? that's kinda sad.

Andrew6111 | 6

#3997737 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:28

64-HAHA! You're an idiot as it actually is "your".

emba_fml | 13

#4277092 - Sunday 8 April 2012 21:34

64 are you fucking kidding me

By MaskingTape | 2

#2875060 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:05

Maybe he's right and it really was you. Least he was honest.

By iLazy | 0

#2875066 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 16:06

He sounds selfish. Then again there is always two sides to this. Ask him the problem and work on it. Even if you don't wanna get back with him, it could benefit others around you.