Love: Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the... - FML

By jeesh - 31/01/2009 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 929

You deserved it 89 135

Best teeth in the game

Pillow Fight Club!

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Bitchjackedmyball - 12/09/2012 08:52 - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 454

You deserved it 5 531

By TheMike23 - 11/01/2016 05:28 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 849

You deserved it 2 269

By ohnoooooo - 03/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 536

You deserved it 4 932

By tazthespaz - 29/12/2016 03:18 - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 124

You deserved it 377

By Charles - 21/06/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 464

You deserved it 8 258

By religiunatic - 13/12/2013 17:09 - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 669

You deserved it 3 106

Cooked it up

By ruined - 15/04/2020 17:00

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 288

By me - 07/05/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Spicy

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 151

You deserved it 12 075

By DrGas - 04/09/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 361

You deserved it 47 161

By beckbm23 - 21/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 092

You deserved it 2 579

By BGood - 21/12/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 313

You deserved it 3 924

By Anonymous - 12/09/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 593

You deserved it 51 248

By Me - 26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 486

You deserved it 3 339

By Everest - 22/11/2018 14:00

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 746

You deserved it 170

By bigblue51 - 22/05/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, while interviewing for a job I had to read over the physical requirements for the job. Later on she asked me how flexible I was. Trying to keep a straight face, I told her I was more flexible while I was playing sports but could work on it if I need to. She was talking about work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 417

You deserved it 48 028

By anonymous - 26/01/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 121

You deserved it 5 625

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 494

You deserved it 7 304

By Marcus - 20/01/2019 18:00

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 258

You deserved it 877

By lovelychris - 16/12/2012 19:15 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 285

You deserved it 3 338

By Anonymous - 19/09/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, after lunch with my frail, disabled, 87-year-old father, I reached into my purse for lipstick. I didn't recognize the cute cylinder I pulled out, but thinking it was a flashlight, I pressed the little button, spraying my dad and myself in the face with pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 574

You deserved it 36 288

By Bestfrienduncool - 30/09/2010 05:11 - France

Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 693

You deserved it 2 658

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 06:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 563

You deserved it 7 938

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

By dumb dumb - 14/08/2020 14:00

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 216

By sexual parrot - 21/04/2014 18:42

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 515

You deserved it 16 051

By not paid enough - 01/06/2014 21:03 - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 698

You deserved it 4 119

By AzNFoo - 26/03/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 544

You deserved it 121 271

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 168

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 16:14 - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 689

You deserved it 1 935

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 2 037

By Tj Hunt - 05/11/2012 03:26 - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 652

You deserved it 4 441

By Jonny - 09/01/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 361

You deserved it 3 353

Maths

By math is literal violence - 20/11/2021 08:01

Today, despite doing extra credit, staying after class to have one-on-one tutoring with the TA, doing online tutoring and watching YouTube videos, I still absolutely cannot do math! I’ve been reduced to bribing my nephew to do my work for me. I’m in college. He’s in 7th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 325

By dazedandconfused - 25/06/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, someone heard me throw up. I then got called aside and told being hungover at work is unacceptable. I don't drink. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 345

You deserved it 3 802

By Anonymous - 05/04/2015 12:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 3 223

By Tay Tay - 19/11/2010 13:55

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 353

You deserved it 9 696

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 15:48 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 671

You deserved it 10 701

By oh no - 22/06/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 5 249

By Jakesssss - 10/04/2015 01:02 - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 226

You deserved it 10 788

By Anonymous - 28/01/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 471

You deserved it 30 122

By FireoftheFuture - 02/05/2013 11:02 - United States

Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 899

You deserved it 55 827

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Top comments

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Sunday 22 February 2009 5:00

This is fucking hilarious. You're all cracking me up.

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Thursday 26 March 2009 21:52

i don't get it, your nose is trying to get boogers out of your system, then you put them right back in?? that's almost like.. well let's just end it there.

Comments

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Monday 9 February 2009 2:15

there is nothing wrong with eating nose wax

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Friday 16 July 2010 8:50

that's fucking wrong

TheCurlyTheory 0

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:34

mmmm there definitely is.

cherrygurl101 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:55

News flash! There is if ur over the age of 4

yotsu 14

Wednesday 11 February 2009 20:32

My fiance and I both do it. It's not that bad, really. It helps make your immune system stronger. Yes I'm a chick that admits to eating boogers. We exist.

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 1:19

good

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Sunday 23 October 2011 16:19

Why do people do that? It literally makes me gag.

Nederlander95 14

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Sunday 8 December 2013 13:36

And you're dig hasting.

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Thursday 8 March 2018 2:20

Do you eat each other's boogers?

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Sunday 22 February 2009 5:00

This is fucking hilarious. You're all cracking me up.

y3y 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 4:24

gotta agree with #12 crazycar all the way

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Thursday 8 September 2011 1:24

how are you #9 but you agree with #12?

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 9:43

i don't care if someone picks their nose, i do. my ex used to eat hers. i usually wipe it somewhere where it won't be seen if i don't have a tissue. like under a table or under the edge of the couch. but eating it? *shudder*

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Thursday 26 February 2009 21:58

Uhmmm. My ex did that... His name was Josh. Hmm...very similar to the author's nickname 'jeesh.'

Late_night83 25

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Friday 7 October 2011 23:33

Well. Ummm. It looks like he said his girlfriend, not his ex girlfriend caught him. Unless u broke it off because ur a beeoch.

kitz 0

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Saturday 28 February 2009 13:20

I still do that all the time XD!!! And occasionally I chase my GF around with them, yeh I am a goof =P

TheCurlyTheory 0

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:38

If I was your girlfriend I'd dump your ass and get a restraining order.

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Thursday 5 March 2009 2:14

ew bro. and @17...EW

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Saturday 7 March 2009 0:55

17 thats really gross. and have you ever heard of a tissue?

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Thursday 19 March 2009 14:56

Man ew , yes people pick their nose , but don't eat it thats disgusting .

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 195

You deserved it 40

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 74