By Omar Khalaf - 28/9/2017 01:30

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2971

You deserved it

376

Tweet

Share

Relationships sink

Assumptions

Vultures

By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 18:29 - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33032

You deserved it

2906

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38721

You deserved it

3464

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1695

You deserved it

325

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36421

You deserved it

5891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:43

Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1555

You deserved it

696

Tweet

Share

By RootalyTootToot - 29/6/2018 15:00

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3221

You deserved it

231

Tweet

Share

By WellOops - 18/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1594

You deserved it

9218

Tweet

Share

By RckRagman - 30/4/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, 3 of the 4 stalls were occupied in the rest room. I took the 4th stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I hear "Hey, how's it going?". I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57118

You deserved it

11431

Tweet

Share

By leez - 1/2/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33951

You deserved it

1820

Tweet

Share

By millzee - 17/1/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24149

You deserved it

1947

Tweet

Share

By Roger Quimble - 24/5/2019 00:04

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1779

You deserved it

217

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 16:00

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2832

You deserved it

672

Tweet

Share

By hitnmiss66 - 28/5/2012 00:31 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29350

You deserved it

2095

Tweet

Share

By notacashier - 3/7/2014 12:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39551

You deserved it

28360

Tweet

Share

By .... - 8/6/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I was introduced to my dad's girlfriend of six months. I've already heard them sleeping together several time,s and seen her car pull away early in the morning. After meeting face to face, I also learned that she's only two years older than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71670

You deserved it

3241

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 13:27 - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66741

You deserved it

3876

Tweet

Share

By notmansbestfriend - 12/8/2013 16:09 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47112

You deserved it

7769

Tweet

Share

By RIP - 21/1/2017 12:00

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5480

You deserved it

1768

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/5/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44921

You deserved it

5500

Tweet

Share

By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37851

You deserved it

7499

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/3/2014 14:56 - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48643

You deserved it

4033

Tweet

Share

By wet and sad - 15/11/2019 03:00

Completely soaking

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1845

You deserved it

135

Tweet

Share

By - 30/1/2019 00:00

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

530

Tweet

Share

By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28672

You deserved it

9489

Tweet

Share

By conley19 - 15/9/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35116

You deserved it

4781

Tweet

Share

By Rick - 28/7/2011 10:51 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34817

You deserved it

5153

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 06:00

Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1904

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 16:32 - Canada

Today, while serving a rather large party at the restaurant where I work, I mentioned that the soup of the day was "to die for". After the hosts gave me weird looks, it dawned on me that the reason they were wearing all black is because they've just come back from a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27766

You deserved it

11628

Tweet

Share

By Sexless4Life - 5/8/2013 18:33 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55700

You deserved it

6862

Tweet

Share

By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31646

You deserved it

3772

Tweet

Share

By dak-rod423 - 15/10/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32532

You deserved it

11661

Tweet

Share

By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/3/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55510

You deserved it

4043

Tweet

Share

By Kate - 3/6/2010 07:44 - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36538

You deserved it

4048

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 05:14 - Canada - North Battleford

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19165

You deserved it

1701

Tweet

Share

By I did them anyway - 20/7/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25895

You deserved it

2153

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40324

You deserved it

5995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 01:07 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35629

You deserved it

4880

Tweet

Share

By Delicious - 21/3/2016 02:09 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17449

You deserved it

7082

Tweet

Share

By ouch - 29/3/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52510

You deserved it

16802

Tweet

Share

By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

663

You deserved it

1899

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Samantha Glennie | 25

#7545726 - Tuesday 26 September 2017 22:22

They're little darlings aren't they

By RichardPencil | 28

#7546175 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:59

He really doesn’t want any siblings!

Crafty little bastard!

Comments

By Samantha Glennie | 25

#7545726 - Tuesday 26 September 2017 22:22

They're little darlings aren't they

By Zehir_fml | 10

#7546164 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:36

They call those years "The Terrible Tots" for a reason.

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#7546197 - Thursday 28 September 2017 3:57

It’s the terrible two’s

Reply

Talented73 | 54

#7546249 - Thursday 28 September 2017 9:03

If you were talking about a female it would be "the terrible twats".

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7546172 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:57

He's only two years old and he's already mastered the art of trolling.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7546175 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:59

He really doesn’t want any siblings!

Crafty little bastard!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7546188 - Thursday 28 September 2017 3:08

You just got cup checked by a 3 year old.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7546223 - Thursday 28 September 2017 6:12

Nut sacked.

By Talented73 | 54

#7546250 - Thursday 28 September 2017 9:03

That's nuts!

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7546283 - Thursday 28 September 2017 10:39

Did you piss off your S/O? It sounds to me like your son got orders from a higher ground.