By Omar Khalaf

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2985

You deserved it

378

Tweet

Share

Season finale

Forever the bridesmaid

Night terrors

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31334

You deserved it

4908

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21319

You deserved it

2158

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32289

You deserved it

4234

Tweet

Share

By TheSublime - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37734

You deserved it

4616

Tweet

Share

By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29983

You deserved it

2464

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31355

You deserved it

4455

Tweet

Share

By need my own place - United States

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24812

You deserved it

1558

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was hanging out with some disabled people at the day-centre where I work. We had the music blasting and were laughing and dancing around. My boss took me aside and said that it wasn't really appropriate for me to mock the clients by imitating their dancing. That's just how I dance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66952

You deserved it

5581

Tweet

Share

By nadette - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72554

You deserved it

3954

Tweet

Share

By Sad Mom - United States - Wylie

Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31736

You deserved it

5436

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11895

You deserved it

38917

Tweet

Share

By pignose

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1422

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By It's Something - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2983

You deserved it

365

Tweet

Share

By DesignNerd

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2162

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By girl_what

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3100

You deserved it

194

Tweet

Share

By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22644

You deserved it

13524

Tweet

Share

By PizzaBoySwag - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13270

You deserved it

125503

Tweet

Share

By ADanceWithDavos - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46785

You deserved it

4601

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Temperance

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31731

You deserved it

3447

Tweet

Share

By kira - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25508

You deserved it

7846

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was okay, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13549

You deserved it

7018

Tweet

Share

By BlackPolarbear - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11067

You deserved it

29486

Tweet

Share

By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

658

You deserved it

1530

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1520

You deserved it

249

Tweet

Share

By holyshitbatman - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30406

You deserved it

29621

Tweet

Share

By Jokkim - United States - Norfolk

Today, I found out I got a 97 on my physics final exam. I was curious about the question I missed, so I went up to my teacher and asked. He was very confused and checked my grade again before telling me, "Oh my bad, it was meant to be a 79." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15257

You deserved it

5466

Tweet

Share

By Pisser - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51085

You deserved it

5685

Tweet

Share

By fired tomoz - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36681

You deserved it

2993

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3383

You deserved it

329

Tweet

Share

By full bladder - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28836

You deserved it

2343

Tweet

Share

By Idle_Twin - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14899

You deserved it

33196

Tweet

Share

By _akwardsituation - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9184

You deserved it

33109

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36519

You deserved it

12855

Tweet

Share

By latter - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43189

You deserved it

3290

Tweet

Share

By "refines"

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3687

You deserved it

785

Tweet

Share

By viviham - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36634

You deserved it

2323

Tweet

Share

By Morgannaken - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32531

You deserved it

3931

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25162

You deserved it

7512

Tweet

Share

By marcymoo - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35830

You deserved it

2826

Tweet

Share

By Hi, I'm Heather - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37004

You deserved it

2864

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Samantha Glennie | 25

#7545726 - Tuesday 26 September 2017 22:22

They're little darlings aren't they

By RichardPencil | 28

#7546175 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:59

He really doesn’t want any siblings!

Crafty little bastard!

COMMENTS

By Samantha Glennie | 25

#7545726 - Tuesday 26 September 2017 22:22

They're little darlings aren't they

By Zehir_fml | 10

#7546164 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:36

They call those years "The Terrible Tots" for a reason.

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#7546197 - Thursday 28 September 2017 3:57

It’s the terrible two’s

Reply

Talented73 | 54

#7546249 - Thursday 28 September 2017 9:03

If you were talking about a female it would be "the terrible twats".

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7546172 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:57

He's only two years old and he's already mastered the art of trolling.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7546175 - Thursday 28 September 2017 1:59

He really doesn’t want any siblings!

Crafty little bastard!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7546188 - Thursday 28 September 2017 3:08

You just got cup checked by a 3 year old.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7546223 - Thursday 28 September 2017 6:12

Nut sacked.

By Talented73 | 54

#7546250 - Thursday 28 September 2017 9:03

That's nuts!

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7546283 - Thursday 28 September 2017 10:39

Did you piss off your S/O? It sounds to me like your son got orders from a higher ground.