Kids: Today, my 5 year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 321

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 126

12/01/2009 09:37

Today, my 5 year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked, "Mum, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 850

You deserved it 3 464

Dementia or hate? You decide

Age difference

Stay mad

12/02/2012 21:50

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 973

You deserved it 29 401

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 17:01

Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 195

14/12/2016 03:01

Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 149

You deserved it 724

16/12/2014 01:23

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 450

You deserved it 3 019

22/06/2010 13:49

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 5 244

Knock out

By Anonymous - 25/02/2020 14:00

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 563

You deserved it 324

20/01/2013 19:28

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 796

You deserved it 4 228

Three is a magic number

By Jenny - 05/04/2020 23:00

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 177

You deserved it 453

02/07/2009 18:10

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 950

You deserved it 9 174

#1 Mom of the Year

By minnie - 23/02/2021 04:58

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 84

02/08/2018 21:00

Spicy

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 051

You deserved it 4 085

Need help

By onwardsandupwards - 21/01/2020 14:00

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 933

You deserved it 434

18/12/2011 09:59

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 234

You deserved it 47 433

04/03/2014 22:55

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 615

You deserved it 4 423

28/03/2009 17:17

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 069

You deserved it 37 453

27/07/2019 04:04

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 035

You deserved it 94

Toot toot!

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 10:12

Today, trying to make my 6 year-old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "Toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say, "Daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 035

You deserved it 50 199

30/01/2011 19:25

Spicy

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 481

You deserved it 4 064

30/04/2009 04:53

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 623

You deserved it 4 563

13/02/2010 06:51

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were role playing to keep our marriage alive. His character was a deranged stalker while I was the helpless girl. My neighbor thought I was really being chased so she called the cops. Once they came we explained the whole story and got a fine for disturbing the peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 723

You deserved it 7 806

18/08/2015 01:55

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 955

You deserved it 11 312

20/03/2015 01:06

Spicy

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 529

You deserved it 5 778

05/05/2009 12:22

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184 558

You deserved it 14 227

04/01/2015 03:56

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 102

You deserved it 3 281

27/08/2014 03:19

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 090

You deserved it 46 925

04/11/2011 23:25

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 472

You deserved it 4 265

13/02/2010 16:08

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 389

You deserved it 3 884

28/07/2011 04:34

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 590

You deserved it 2 702

09/08/2016 18:17

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 294

You deserved it 4 247

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 01/06/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 772

You deserved it 254

04/12/2010 20:35

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 312

You deserved it 6 549

05/09/2013 20:28

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 764

You deserved it 7 979

16/04/2011 22:56

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 249

You deserved it 4 009

15/04/2016 19:00

Today, after months of patiently trying to help my girlfriend deal with her anger issues, she dumped me in a blind rage for sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 295

You deserved it 1 776

22/03/2012 17:14

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 271

You deserved it 2 565

14/08/2019 04:00

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 108

03/12/2012 18:39

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 4 430

20/06/2012 23:08

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 416

You deserved it 3 384

08/05/2012 17:57

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 169

You deserved it 3 596

11/08/2014 05:11

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 121

You deserved it 3 700

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Tuesday 5 May 2009 19:01

"No, sweetie. Not until you have kids."

maitressekatje 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:29

@1 because kids are blind until a certain age? What? you honestly think a five year old is NOT going to notice that grown women have strange growths on their chests that grown men don't have? A good parent is honest about that information with his/her kids.

Comments

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:58

HAHAHA ROFL

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Friday 16 July 2010 12:41

2 nice ass

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Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:53

even Jesus praises it

pinkfrenchrose 5

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Sunday 15 March 2009 4:38

I DID THAT ONCE!!!!

maitressekatje 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:29

@1 because kids are blind until a certain age? What? you honestly think a five year old is NOT going to notice that grown women have strange growths on their chests that grown men don't have? A good parent is honest about that information with his/her kids.

Send a private message

Friday 24 June 2011 22:48

I know right! I knew about boobs before I was five. to me it was like I always just knew...

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 17:57

Hell, my three year old knows what boobs are--kids aren't stupid, they want to know what things are!

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Friday 27 March 2009 17:02

why are you getting dressed in front of a five-year-old?

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Monday 10 January 2011 21:01

you idiot, it's her daughter, who cares

MizzHollywood 0

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Friday 3 April 2009 3:25

No, she just wants to no if she will have big boobs. It's no big deal or an embarrassment. It just means you have boobs. I mean, I remember thinking that when I was really little.

Emmett_Luver_101 0

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Monday 13 April 2009 15:23

BUUUURNNNN kids do speak the truth lol

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Monday 13 April 2009 19:06

seriously thats not ur fault, it comes with age...

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Friday 24 June 2011 22:50

Yup

24788 6

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Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:36

That's just funny. It really can't be undone unless you go with medical procedures.

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Tuesday 5 May 2009 19:01

"No, sweetie. Not until you have kids."