Kids: Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing...

By parentof5 - 23/04/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 586

You deserved it 24 755

Kids

Another great day to be alive

Can't win

Unimpressed

Useful information of the day

By billy - 27/04/2021 08:01

Today, I learned that "unskilled labor" does not mean people who are bad at their jobs. I’m 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 246

You deserved it 882

By Unlucky gal - 12/06/2017 04:00

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 801

You deserved it 265

Protip

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 01:56 - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 871

You deserved it 4 414

By murphy - 02/02/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 351

You deserved it 4 097

By GlowInTheDark - 09/12/2011 07:41 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend about how a few years ago I had cancer, and how I underwent radiation therapy. His response? "Did you glow in the dark?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 601

You deserved it 3 946

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 168

By Anonymous - 20/09/2009 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 010

You deserved it 6 575

By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2015 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 311

You deserved it 1 815

Letting yourself go

By Fat man pube - 29/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of isolating and shielding, suffering through the isolation of having caught COVID and letting my hygiene, diet and exercise programme go to shit, I can officially say my pubes are now longer than my penis, but it’s ok because my belly now hangs over my belt so I can’t even see it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 608

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 661

You deserved it 2 494

By burned - 24/05/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 076

You deserved it 63 954

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 4 341

By Anonymous - 01/09/2017 20:00

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 122

You deserved it 838

By offrampmotel - 28/03/2017 14:00

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 262

You deserved it 699

By ashleighsheba - 27/09/2016 16:43 - United States - La Vergne

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 152

You deserved it 1 137

By hashtag67 - 05/11/2016 09:08

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 138

You deserved it 1 517

By taydean - 26/05/2011 21:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 255

You deserved it 66 441

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 460

You deserved it 1 310

By Anonymous - 29/04/2012 19:26 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 686

You deserved it 6 662

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 919

You deserved it 47 458

By ihatemylife - 23/10/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, I had to remind my roommates of the importance of wearing clothing at all times in the common living area. My roommates are my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 252

You deserved it 6 044

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 967

You deserved it 4 166

You tried

By well okay then - 10/09/2012 04:39 - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 937

You deserved it 3 440

By lk07 - 23/04/2019 12:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm stuck in bed with a fever, aches, and nasty cough. My kids and husband had it too, and kept coughing without covering their mouths, despite my asking several times so I wouldn't get sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 989

You deserved it 353

By AnAngryyGiraffe - 06/12/2016 04:46 - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 590

You deserved it 3 927

By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/07/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 436

You deserved it 2 108

By anonamous - 17/07/2009 16:59 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 151

You deserved it 96 650

Australia? Australia.

By ReptillianFreeloader - 13/02/2017 11:00 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 142

You deserved it 644

By super maman - 30/09/2014 03:08 - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 620

You deserved it 5 467

By Jesstanothergurl - 18/07/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 590

You deserved it 866

By Anonymous - 01/08/2012 05:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 437

You deserved it 4 064

By Alex - 30/09/2009 06:46 - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 578

You deserved it 5 364

Too passionate for me

By Mutton - 08/03/2021 17:01

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 88

Naughty boy

By wisp - 18/05/2021 10:59

Today, my father called me cruel and heartless. Why? Because while I was at school, our dogs opened the door to my room and managed to shut themselves inside all day without food or water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 72

By rabbitoncocaine - 20/04/2012 06:41 - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 412

You deserved it 21 668

By Anonymous - 19/08/2014 18:16 - United States - Glendale

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 051

You deserved it 18 996

By matou - 09/07/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 338

You deserved it 3 648

By Username - 27/01/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 767

You deserved it 8 947

Public freakout

By Anonymous - 07/05/2021 06:00

Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 271

By Robert - 01/01/2018 19:00

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 895

You deserved it 307

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Shootamonkey3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

Slimfast, it's delicious.

canttouchthis90 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

lmao

canttouchthis90 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

lmao

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:41

She should've followed it up with, "Also, I'm not going to be mean like you; I'm gonna share mines!"

marijuanasmoker4 3

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:44

Your daughter just made my day.

Shootamonkey3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:46

11 - I don't get why people say that. I never laugh or say this FML made my day because it didn't. I've only smirked at ONE FML. Some people are weird :P

esu 5

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:50

at least she looks up to you

sourgirl101 28

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:56

Keep in mind, 11 is probably high.(:

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:08

Some of us are easily amused, which helps cuz if I wasn't my boring life would be purty depressing! :D so lots of simple stuff can make my days(: And I'm lucky(:

SeasonedLemur 5

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:40

Exactly what I was thinking 29!

_Itz_Meena_ 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:42

34: same here! :D

penguinonastairc 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 21:49

At least she didn't say, "I want to have big junk like mommys' when I grow up!"

jjmierau 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 21:49

This sounds like scene off of the Pacifier..

Justine94_x 31

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Saturday 23 April 2011 21:52

Haha I loved that film^

roro9944 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 22:29

lol ur fat

CheckMyProfile 17

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Saturday 23 April 2011 22:47

well I guess it's time to start fitness. : )

jbsington 8

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Saturday 23 April 2011 23:41

I'm amused by "purty"

GumbetGirl 1

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Sunday 24 April 2011 2:34

I love that film!!! and I agree, it does!!! Mmmm.. vin diesel!!

futtbuck101 1

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Sunday 24 April 2011 3:40

I find this difficult to masturbate to..

Uncle_Moe_Lester 3

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Sunday 24 April 2011 4:31

16 u must be miserable because this was funny

Sheepish 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 10:01

16 is right. I was thinking the exact same thing...who actually laughs out loud or even smirks at FMLs. They're entertaining, yeah, but not "make my day" funny.

Uncle_Moe_Lester 3

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Sunday 24 April 2011 11:26

159 I lol all the time when reading fmls, I've seen a Fml where op was reading fmls and loled during a lecture on slaves. Lighten up and laugh it won't hurt I promise.

robghomeg 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 16:45

haha ur fucked

Shootamonkey3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

Slimfast, it's delicious.

CitrusGirl 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:51

Beg to differ. I think it tastes nasty. But if little girls are jealous of your breasticles, taste doesn't matter anymore.

Shootamonkey3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:56

I was being a smart ass :P

CitrusGirl 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:58

Me too lol

Shootamonkey3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:04

O_o

Tuesdays76 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:50

Let's just pretend she said that because OP has such huge pectorals.

mmedeiros14 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 0:12

Slimfast actually doesn't make you skinny by itself you still need to exercise a lot it just makes you eat less. Btw your the only person I've seen say pectorals instead of pecs.

OMG_N3RD 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 0:42

Slimfast doesnt make you skinny

Ahhmanwtf 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 4:27

lol

Priscilla43 2

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Sunday 24 April 2011 17:34

fuck you Fucken china girl no one Fucken cares!!!!!

franniedottp 8

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Monday 25 April 2011 1:35

what about you for being a fucking racist bitch?! is there something WRONG with being Chinese? fucking sunbathed like you piss me the hell off

franniedottp 8

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Monday 25 April 2011 1:37

*dumbshits... fuck auto-correct

shulgafish 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 2:47

they see me trollin' they hatin'

FML_Sidewayz 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

Oh, man, that's gotta suck!

sns_fml 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:28

first!!

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Sunday 24 April 2011 0:10

haha, I bet they wrap around to....

tiswine 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 4:09

he is a FATSO BINGO DAD loll

number1beaner 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 6:26

hey at least you always have pair of tits to play with haha you have to look at the glass half full

mcr0cutie 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:38

cute(:

msmandy 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

hahaha well maybe somebody needs to loose a few?? ;)

Nimmrodel 11

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Saturday 23 April 2011 20:13

Or have breast reduction surgery. will help his back to.

EliseAqua 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 0:23

38 *too

Uncle_Moe_Lester 3

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Sunday 24 April 2011 11:28

maybe he is a juicehead and has huge pecks

staceysgenesis16 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 6:28

yeah .. dont complain and loose some weight .. lol

MisherzzSquisher 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

Awww lol thats really cute!

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:42

SAY WALLAH?

skeezle 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:43

how did you do that with your picture??! ha

olii_fml 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:49

Use the front camera on Ipod or Iphone 4 and a mirror I think :)

AssassinzCreed 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 0:47

How do you know that Term?

DavLynn 4

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Sunday 24 April 2011 16:59

lol yes 21

DavLynn 4

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:42

well, I guess she could earn that trait of yours too. let's hope not

Gianca1208 4

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Saturday 23 April 2011 21:02

That's a cool picture

ninjaloverx3 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 23:13

I was thinking the same thing

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Sunday 24 April 2011 4:18

LOL, I'm a girl.

xxhewoxx 0

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:45

breast reduction?

fjretsel 1

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Saturday 23 April 2011 19:45

you can go bra shopping and trying then out together with her when she's in her teens, dad. way to go.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 120

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 84

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