Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim...

By shizzy09 - 13/4/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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Kids

Season finale

DINOSAURS!!

Fairytale ending

By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By juliasaman - 3/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I went to the doctors and was told I would need an inhaler. My mom came back from the pharmacy and told me the copay of $35 dollars was way too expensive, so she is making me use my cat's old inhaler. My mom values my cat's ability to breathe more then my own. FML

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By Tgreject - 16/8/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By frenchpop1960 - 23/2/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By always-the-responsible-one - 3/1/2010 08:42 - Canada

Today, I just spent half an hour cleaning up my little brother's puke after he got drunk for the first time. All the people who bought him drinks are still out partying and having a good time, while all I can smell is whiskey, Chinese food, and whatever else was in his stomach. FML

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By IloveMaroon5 - 7/6/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that if your boss deletes you off Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:55 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - 10/2/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By poormom - 27/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By imy - 18/10/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By sadness1992 - 6/11/2012 18:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By sam - 2/5/2010 00:12 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By Bambusmaster - 13/9/2018 18:50

Sobering.

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 00:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By coltsfoot - 23/5/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

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By Coley - 29/1/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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By me - 24/4/2014 15:32 - United States - Paris

Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML

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By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2013 18:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 22:27 - Canada - Truro

Today, my friends dared me to answer the door naked for the pizza guy. I heard the doorbell but when I answered, it was the little boy from next door participating in a fundraiser. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 04:00

Amazon addict

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

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By Geezum Crow - 6/12/2018 17:30

Today, I found out my school's financial aid had a "misunderstanding" of my finances, I can no longer afford to pay half of my bills or pay for Christmas. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By letstradefamilies - 21/12/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

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By SugarCoat - 8/6/2017 18:00

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

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By woofwoof - 30/12/2015 04:17 - Turkey - Izmir

Today, I got mugged while walking my dog. He seemed to be OK with it. FML

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By happyturtle - 1/9/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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By tom0441 - 22/10/2011 08:34 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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By - 10/11/2019 05:00

Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By Ann - 31/5/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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By Blah - 30/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By Dancing King - 7/8/2014 15:36 - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

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By oppafucktardstyle - 14/10/2012 20:36 - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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Top comments

By tsezu | 0

#109189 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 3:02

This should be the guy with boobs' FML entry.

"Today, I was at a local pool when a lady and her daughter came for swimming lessons. As they walked onto the deck, the daughter yelled "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" She was referring to me. The whole pool heard. FML"

By dogpup4 | 23

#3284653 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:14

Really? Thats why I will!

COMMENTS

By jpelavin2626 | 0

#109135 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:52

wooow. that sucks! kids say the darnedest things!

metalfan333 | 0

#824883 - Thursday 4 February 2010 18:01

YDI for teaching your 4 yr old that word

ryguy997 | 0

#929740 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 21:05

who taught her that word?

Failbuddy | 0

#1252097 - Monday 16 August 2010 14:10

Must of bin really embarrassing for him

By Blue_Coconuts | 7

#109143 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:55

Awesome.

By nnnnn12345 | 0

#109146 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:57

haha

By strangersdk | 0

#109148 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:56

Wow. That's why I won't have kids.

dogpup4 | 23

#3284653 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 23:14

Really? Thats why I will!

By nnnnn12345 | 0

#109152 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:57

haha

By awalkb | 0

#109156 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:57

haha that is perfect

By qwertyuiop8989 | 0

#109158 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:58

Funny but thats more of a FHL

By XvxvX | 0

#109162 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:58

Lol

By dancin303 | 0

#109164 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:59

dont really see the fml

By dancin303 | 0

#109168 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 2:59

not your fault. dont sweat it