Kids and Health: Out of the mouth of babes...

Out of the mouth of babes...

By DEE - 26/07/2018 15:00

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 711

You deserved it 448

Kids Health

Late term

Walk the line

Prepare to be dumped

By just outdone - 31/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 658

You deserved it 1 370

By banned - 09/03/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 116

You deserved it 7 732

Dodgy

By Anonymous - 24/05/2021 22:01

Today, my boyfriend and I went to his best friend’s birthday party. He got her red roses, a necklace and $100 Victoria’s Secret Gift Card. This year he forgot my birthday, gave me a hug and told me to leave his apartment because he had homework to do. We’ve been together for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 197

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Banchory

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 331

By assumed - 01/03/2011 16:47

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 509

You deserved it 3 721

By EggBomb - 01/12/2016 18:22

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 437

You deserved it 9 718

By claira - 08/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 706

You deserved it 361

Monday morning blues

By desperate905 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 384

You deserved it 28 808

By unfriendlyskies - 02/04/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 226

You deserved it 2 093

Right place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 22/01/2009 16:09 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 182

You deserved it 29 653

By sad - 26/02/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 909

You deserved it 8 334

By Alice - 28/08/2013 10:33 - United States - Happy Valley

Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 067

You deserved it 5 365

Dating is hell

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 06:01

Today I found out my ex-girlfriend from college, who had to leave because her visa expired after we dated for a year and a half, actually came back to the States two years later to get her PHD and didn't tell me. We had parted on good terms and were good friends to each other. I've given up on dating altogether. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 140

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 10:02 - Australia

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 470

You deserved it 46 475

By Ally - 19/05/2011 01:07 - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 041

You deserved it 4 035

Nun the wiser

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 16:01

Today, my girlfriend offered to roleplay as a sexy nun, then dumped me, claiming my saying yes meant I was attacking her catholic faith and that I’m a sick, depraved criminal. She was the one who offered. I’m not remotely interested in roleplay, I only agreed cause I thought it was her kink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 102

By Wrongword - 17/04/2012 10:52 - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 541

You deserved it 4 083

By _dopey_ - 17/05/2009 17:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 915

You deserved it 7 793

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 21:38 - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 327

You deserved it 20 491

Nice try

By groundedasfuck - 24/05/2014 20:24 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 081

You deserved it 55 090

Racing rats

By Anonymous - 04/10/2019 20:00

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 114

Oddly specific

By RowerBud - 02/07/2021 02:01 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 776

Tight ass

By Paf - 21/09/2021 19:59 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, after I've been cleaning a hostel 7/7 for free accommodation for a few weeks, and the owner telling me 3 times to take a day off while he was able to do the job, I'm finally leaving. He's now (and only now) asking me to pay for the 3 nights I "didn't work for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 68

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 480

You deserved it 5 495

By KittyKat168 - 09/09/2016 09:34 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 591

You deserved it 2 400

By Anonymous - 19/08/2012 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 437

You deserved it 4 340

By Anonyme - 06/09/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 482

You deserved it 4 974

Black Lives Matter

By jack1057 - 14/07/2020 05:01

Today, I was on my way home and there were BLM protestors, who I have no problem with, but my car was parked where they were and I had to sit there for three hours until they left so I could drive off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 273

Almost right

By Anonymous - 26/05/2021 06:01

Today, I told my mom she made me feel unloved my whole life. She called my sister and apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 62

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 13:32 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 063

You deserved it 2 777

Mr. Robot

By confused - 30/04/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 225

By blackedout - 06/10/2009 05:25 - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 193

You deserved it 3 782

By MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY - 21/03/2012 20:13 - United States

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 114

You deserved it 7 878

By UnknownKitten - 03/05/2016 03:07 - United States - Elgin

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 161

You deserved it 2 029

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I was running the drive-thru window at work, when a man pulled up with his dog in the seat next to him. As he was counting out his change, the dog leaned over his hand and drooled all over it. Not only did he pay exclusively in coins, those coins were slimy from dog drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 850

You deserved it 2 873

By JD - 08/10/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 453

You deserved it 4 042

By amore89 - 28/07/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 222

By meesa in big doo do dis time! - 13/06/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 475

You deserved it 453

By Username - 03/02/2011 04:46

Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 859

You deserved it 24 839

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 094

You deserved it 3 565

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Top comments

free_parking 3

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Thursday 26 July 2018 17:38

take her the 5 year old's advice. get your flabs to the gym kids are honest. if they say you're fat, yore fat

Davros 12

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Friday 27 July 2018 0:11

See how small the back of my hand looks far away? Now look at it close up (thwack)

Comments

wanted_2_want 40

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Thursday 26 July 2018 15:21

Wouldn’t be awesome that if one needs to lose a couple of inches of fat could exercise for only day and ‘puff’?!!!

julfunky 29

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Thursday 26 July 2018 16:51

Shouldn’t it be “poof” rather than “puff?”

wanted_2_want 40

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Friday 27 July 2018 3:50

I think either can be used with this context. The idea would have same meaning.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 26 July 2018 16:42

How rude! You ought to throw that kid in a vault and give her a pommeling!

free_parking 3

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Thursday 26 July 2018 17:38

take her the 5 year old's advice. get your flabs to the gym kids are honest. if they say you're fat, yore fat

Cali 54

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Friday 3 August 2018 19:38

Proofreading is never a bad idea, dude.

Davros 12

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Friday 27 July 2018 0:11

See how small the back of my hand looks far away? Now look at it close up (thwack)

ojosRojos 28

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Friday 27 July 2018 18:20

Ohhh kids. They can be brutal, but try not to take it to heart. I’m sure you’re beautiful!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 51

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 41

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 103