Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over...

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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Intimacy

This is us

Emergency haircut

Whatthefuckaburger

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By OnCompanyTimeToo - 2/9/2013 01:21 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

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By ihatedogs - 22/6/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

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By nomoreart - 9/2/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By rr - 15/8/2011 15:55 - Canada

Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By Shannon - 29/11/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By Noname - 25/11/2008 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

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By Rob - 6/6/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

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By WillaminaL - 20/1/2012 03:33 - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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By nothealthy - 29/3/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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By mom - 26/1/2014 04:29 - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By hiccups - 13/1/2013 06:15 - United States - Canton

Today, after hours of trying to put a screaming baby to sleep, she finally fell asleep in my arms. I was so happy. Then, I got the hiccups. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Beva - 17/1/2013 05:03 - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, due to technical problems, I had to call the company's IT-support as my computer went totally haywire. I explained via phone that I couldn't access anything. The support then tried contacting me by e-mail and got upset with me when I didn't answer. FML

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By broomrape - 29/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

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By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By Brunofk7 - 21/11/2015 00:59 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 06:56 - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 22:00

House rules

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

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By welcome to the neighborhood - 28/4/2016 23:35 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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By fucking har har, dad - 5/10/2012 23:38 - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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By Fat Bastard - 20/5/2019 04:02

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

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By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Jacky-Boy - 7/8/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

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By f'ed_over - 19/1/2009 11:12 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

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By tigerfiend - 17/2/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the lipo suction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - 31/5/2013 22:25 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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By hakuna matata - 31/10/2012 10:06 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

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By jaymaag25 - 20/10/2016 06:28 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, it seems like everyone in my family knew about my boyfriend's new engagement, all except me. FML

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By kinky - 5/8/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

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By Oopsie - 27/5/2019 20:17

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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Top comments

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

Comments

By El_mariachi | 0

#625834 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

first!

AnaMaree | 0

#633970 - Friday 23 October 2009 3:12

Troy from HSM?

troyboyd05 | 0

#909859 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:55

I'm Troy...so can I do nasty things to her?

pu13 | 5

#983987 - Friday 23 April 2010 7:02

yes she prob imagined him singing as he did stuff. songs with names like "I'm just trying to fit in" and such... sexual jokes

moi101 | 0

#1127100 - Friday 23 July 2010 7:18

retarded

crabbyabby718 | 0

#2113201 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 1:44

hahah I was thinking that too

xmuffinx | 6

#6014023 - Monday 21 July 2014 13:51

That's what I was thinking worse comes to worse is ask her who Troy is or if she ever had a friend named Troy

By El_mariachi | 0

#625843 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:02

and btw that sucks 4 u

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1009845 - Friday 28 May 2010 4:20

haha six 4 u!

By darkmis1 | 17

#625853 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

Nobody cares if you're first ^
OP, that sux, but maybe she wuz talking about a movie character? I doubt it tho-I'm sry-being cheated on sux :-/

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6525212 - Sunday 31 January 2016 22:20

So... Are you trying to say you've never had a sex dream about someone other than your girlfriend?

By Trippyfalla | 0

#625868 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:12

i smell a three way in the works

EvilPotato | 14

#2312091 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:21

4 you sir fail, it's called a threesome

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

veesky | 0

#1629842 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

awesome haha

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6631253 - Sunday 19 June 2016 2:00

*Even more glad. Sorry but that bothers the hell out of me.

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By IceCream53423 | 0

#626054 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:31

umm
how do we no OPs name isn't Troy??

unFmyLife | 0

#627376 - Monday 19 October 2009 15:32

Why would it be FML if the OP was Troy?

By cr4ckb0n3f4n | 0

#626131 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:09

too little info to tell is than fml or an ydi

By raeannriley | 0

#626162 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:26

and sometimes people can't always help what they dream. so really, it's not an fyl!! more like not significant to your life at all.

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5770749 - Thursday 28 November 2013 2:06

Exactly. Often in my dreams, I forget that I have a boyfriend, and end up flirting in them with my guy friends that I would absolutely never date in real life. It doesn't really mean anything though

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#626244 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

He could be a celebrity crush she has, lol.