Intimacy: Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Teamwork works

Horn section

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. Then he smiled and said "Your eyes are two different colors right now. One's blue, one's green..." I was so happy he still noticed the little things. Then he finished his sentence with "...ya know, like a dog." FML

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By seriously - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By erptwerp - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son was crying and refusing to sleep in his room because a spider ran along the wall, and it's now hiding somewhere. He’s 19. FML

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By Gone With the Wind - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By Keisha

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By kana__ - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

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By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

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By bear92 - United States

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got in an argument with my wife. I told her that I feel like she immediately disagrees with anything I say. She immediately disagreed and said she never does that. FML

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By anonymouschicka - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By Wino - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

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By kallens - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

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By Brown345 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

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By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

What?

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

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By KTK - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By Trainwreck - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

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By sad and hungry - United States - Hackensack

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

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By gonads

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

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By KMilly - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Station

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

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By needanotherbed - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

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By xolaurennnn - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

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By FML - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

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By Wellpoo

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By loveyadad - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 00:01

Recycle this!

Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 10:58

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Today, I had to cancel a plane ticket to a friend's wedding, because first he gave me the wrong date, after which his fiancée cut me from the guests because of Covid safety. Instead of paying $600 to be in the ceremony, I'm paying $400 to not go anywhere because the ticket could only be partially refunded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By 3firedepos - 15/6/2020 05:06

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

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By Sam

Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML

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By eliinu - United States - Middlesboro

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

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Top comments

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

COMMENTS

By El_mariachi | 0

#625834 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

first!

AnaMaree | 0

#633970 - Friday 23 October 2009 3:12

Troy from HSM?

troyboyd05 | 0

#909859 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:55

I'm Troy...so can I do nasty things to her?

pu13 | 5

#983987 - Friday 23 April 2010 7:02

yes she prob imagined him singing as he did stuff. songs with names like "I'm just trying to fit in" and such... sexual jokes

moi101 | 0

#1127100 - Friday 23 July 2010 7:18

retarded

crabbyabby718 | 0

#2113201 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 1:44

hahah I was thinking that too

xmuffinx | 6

#6014023 - Monday 21 July 2014 13:51

That's what I was thinking worse comes to worse is ask her who Troy is or if she ever had a friend named Troy

By El_mariachi | 0

#625843 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:02

and btw that sucks 4 u

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1009845 - Friday 28 May 2010 4:20

haha six 4 u!

By darkmis1 | 17

#625853 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

Nobody cares if you're first ^
OP, that sux, but maybe she wuz talking about a movie character? I doubt it tho-I'm sry-being cheated on sux :-/

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6525212 - Sunday 31 January 2016 22:20

So... Are you trying to say you've never had a sex dream about someone other than your girlfriend?

By Trippyfalla | 0

#625868 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:12

i smell a three way in the works

EvilPotato | 14

#2312091 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:21

4 you sir fail, it's called a threesome

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

veesky | 0

#1629842 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

awesome haha

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6631253 - Sunday 19 June 2016 2:00

*Even more glad. Sorry but that bothers the hell out of me.

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By IceCream53423 | 0

#626054 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:31

umm
how do we no OPs name isn't Troy??

unFmyLife | 0

#627376 - Monday 19 October 2009 15:32

Why would it be FML if the OP was Troy?

By cr4ckb0n3f4n | 0

#626131 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:09

too little info to tell is than fml or an ydi

By raeannriley | 0

#626162 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:26

and sometimes people can't always help what they dream. so really, it's not an fyl!! more like not significant to your life at all.

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5770749 - Thursday 28 November 2013 2:06

Exactly. Often in my dreams, I forget that I have a boyfriend, and end up flirting in them with my guy friends that I would absolutely never date in real life. It doesn't really mean anything though

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#626244 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

He could be a celebrity crush she has, lol.