Intimacy: Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over...

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 600

You deserved it 2 558

Intimacy

Compromises

Batman

Broken heart

By GlueAndCarrots - 20/08/2015 02:38 - Canada - Markham

Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 066

You deserved it 1 781

By GonnaLockUpMySpices - 30/10/2015 01:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 868

You deserved it 1 820

By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/06/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 2 393

By cerulean - 10/10/2017 01:30

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 359

You deserved it 269

By Soontobeex - 15/09/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I decided to go through my husband's phone to make sure I invited everyone to the surprise party I was planning for him. There were a few I had missed so I called to let them know about it. The last number I called was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 474

You deserved it 4 650

By Shamed - 06/09/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 525

You deserved it 4 924

Good samaritan

By tryingtohelp - 24/05/2020 20:00

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 604

You deserved it 291

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 20:36 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 862

You deserved it 19 563

By little nokken - 19/05/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 758

You deserved it 465

By Anonymous - 26/04/2015 07:09 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 868

You deserved it 2 936

By grossed out - 21/09/2016 09:21 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, whilst in a dressing room trying on some new clothes, I experienced the sheer terror of having someone fling a pair of dirty panties over the stall wall only to make off with some stolen ones, whilst you're still standing there in shock staring at another woman's dirty underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 976

You deserved it 1 248

By brokeasajoke - 11/11/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 475

You deserved it 3 275

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 18:47 - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 825

You deserved it 2 725

By no salt, no burning, just STFU - 08/03/2015 14:41 - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 581

You deserved it 3 531

By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/07/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 173

You deserved it 2 702

By Anonymous - 06/08/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 663

You deserved it 15 226

By silkysmooth - 31/10/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I was almost out of conditioner, despite having just bought some. Apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to condition his pubes. He thinks doing this will make me want to give him more blowjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 795

You deserved it 5 463

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 222

You deserved it 5 148

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 19:22 - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 362

You deserved it 8 995

By poopybed - 01/04/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 639

You deserved it 6 912

By crappyeve - 25/12/2016 05:10 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 738

You deserved it 941

By fbcaught - 09/02/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 38 354

Laying eggs!

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 203

By Amy - 19/05/2010 20:19 - France

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 127

You deserved it 3 548

By anonymous - 09/09/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 280

You deserved it 25 960

By fuq - 22/05/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 794

You deserved it 2 745

By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 695

You deserved it 2 695

By why?? - 20/04/2014 04:52 - United States - Englewood

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 131

You deserved it 7 283

Quiet please

By mute - 16/04/2016 00:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 940

You deserved it 3 494

By Tiak - 30/03/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 107

You deserved it 16 721

By montextes - 25/07/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 234

You deserved it 3 938

By AznKoreanGuy - 04/03/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 809

You deserved it 4 666

By balloonface - 18/02/2016 07:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 744

You deserved it 2 297

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 19:27 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 349

You deserved it 2 230

By angelisa - 21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 562

You deserved it 3 895

By Tj Hunt - 05/11/2012 03:26 - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 652

You deserved it 4 441

By JJ_V3N0M - 03/01/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 826

You deserved it 9 348

By ProtoBird - 14/04/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 790

You deserved it 1 564

By rackman007 - 13/05/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 253

You deserved it 91 802

By Mothering - 11/07/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 100

You deserved it 12 541

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Top comments

Standupboi 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

TotalPandamonium 2

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Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him. His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

El_mariachi 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

first!

AnaMaree 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 3:12

Troy from HSM?

troyboyd05 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:55

I'm Troy...so can I do nasty things to her?

pu13 5

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Friday 23 April 2010 7:02

yes she prob imagined him singing as he did stuff. songs with names like "I'm just trying to fit in" and such... sexual jokes

moi101 0

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Friday 23 July 2010 7:18

retarded

crabbyabby718 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 1:44

hahah I was thinking that too

xmuffinx 6

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Monday 21 July 2014 13:51

That's what I was thinking worse comes to worse is ask her who Troy is or if she ever had a friend named Troy

El_mariachi 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 20:02

and btw that sucks 4 u

lizzilla8297 2

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Friday 28 May 2010 4:20

haha six 4 u!

darkmis1 17

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Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

Nobody cares if you're first ^ OP, that sux, but maybe she wuz talking about a movie character? I doubt it tho-I'm sry-being cheated on sux :-/

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Sunday 31 January 2016 22:20

So... Are you trying to say you've never had a sex dream about someone other than your girlfriend?

Trippyfalla 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 20:12

i smell a three way in the works

EvilPotato 14

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Friday 8 April 2011 3:21

4 you sir fail, it's called a threesome

TotalPandamonium 2

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Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him. His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

veesky 0

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Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

awesome haha

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Sunday 19 June 2016 2:00

*Even more glad. Sorry but that bothers the hell out of me.

Standupboi 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

IceCream53423 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 21:31

umm how do we no OPs name isn't Troy??

unFmyLife 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 15:32

Why would it be FML if the OP was Troy?

cr4ckb0n3f4n 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 22:09

too little info to tell is than fml or an ydi

raeannriley 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 22:26

and sometimes people can't always help what they dream. so really, it's not an fyl!! more like not significant to your life at all.

RoseBlack123 37

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Thursday 28 November 2013 2:06

Exactly. Often in my dreams, I forget that I have a boyfriend, and end up flirting in them with my guy friends that I would absolutely never date in real life. It doesn't really mean anything though