Intimacy: Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Out of it

This is fine

By nakedyogagirl - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

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10009

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By Baby Face

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

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6552

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By Jack00412 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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45190

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5509

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By Rydia - 31/10/2020 05:01

Love is in the air

Today, my fiancé hugged me so tight that I couldn't move, said he loved me, let out a loud, obnoxious and smelly fart cloud and made me breathe it in. FML

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874

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168

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By sickpuppy

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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1328

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143

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By alii2349 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

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48363

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:04

Caught red-handed

Today, my girlfriend and I got busted by the cops having sex in a dark parking lot near the beach. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket, one of the cops peeks into the car window and I hear my girlfriend awkwardly giggle and say, "Hi daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

984

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Bisexual!

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

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2634

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By matou - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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32277

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By Mikimiks93 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

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39398

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By dear god why - United States - Seattle

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

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43334

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

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29085

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By loveeyou. - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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10291

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28338

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By Noname - United States

Photoshopped

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39509

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By mr_cheese - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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17436

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40016

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By MB101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20173

You deserved it

5286

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By howard1954 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found the courage to tell my parents about my boyfriend. They reacted by simply lecturing me for an hour about how much he'll ruin my life and how much they don't like him. They haven't met him yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28611

You deserved it

2666

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By Dv0829 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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28155

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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23669

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By horny bastard - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

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10738

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By fml9124

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

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1793

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283

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By Milly

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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3780

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By Hotdogwater

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

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5576

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329

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

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32958

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By anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

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12765

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1915

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By Dr_Dolittle - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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27331

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother sat me down and told me, "I'm not going to lie, I hate living with you. Please get a job and move out." I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2014

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214

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By Damn.... - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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31757

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By Shaz - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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1314

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338

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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16315

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By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

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70790

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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42912

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By slingerslasher - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

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11231

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Palm Bay

Give me my drugs!

Today, my doctor's office called to reschedule. I hate sacrificing work time at all, but I have to have my contraceptive. The appointment had been set back once already due to insurance issues, and having to wait until November means I'm going to run out… so now I sound like a drug addict. FML

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901

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163

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22319

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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57347

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By Julissa - 25/2/2021 00:30

Asshat

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

621

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By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

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721

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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Top comments

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

COMMENTS

By El_mariachi | 0

#625834 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

first!

AnaMaree | 0

#633970 - Friday 23 October 2009 3:12

Troy from HSM?

troyboyd05 | 0

#909859 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:55

I'm Troy...so can I do nasty things to her?

pu13 | 5

#983987 - Friday 23 April 2010 7:02

yes she prob imagined him singing as he did stuff. songs with names like "I'm just trying to fit in" and such... sexual jokes

moi101 | 0

#1127100 - Friday 23 July 2010 7:18

retarded

crabbyabby718 | 0

#2113201 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 1:44

hahah I was thinking that too

xmuffinx | 6

#6014023 - Monday 21 July 2014 13:51

That's what I was thinking worse comes to worse is ask her who Troy is or if she ever had a friend named Troy

By El_mariachi | 0

#625843 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:02

and btw that sucks 4 u

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1009845 - Friday 28 May 2010 4:20

haha six 4 u!

By darkmis1 | 17

#625853 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

Nobody cares if you're first ^
OP, that sux, but maybe she wuz talking about a movie character? I doubt it tho-I'm sry-being cheated on sux :-/

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6525212 - Sunday 31 January 2016 22:20

So... Are you trying to say you've never had a sex dream about someone other than your girlfriend?

By Trippyfalla | 0

#625868 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:12

i smell a three way in the works

EvilPotato | 14

#2312091 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:21

4 you sir fail, it's called a threesome

By TotalPandamonium | 2

#625909 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:37

Talking in my sleep is how one of my exes found out I was planning on dumping him.

His reaction just made me even gladder I was going to dump him.

veesky | 0

#1629842 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

awesome haha

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6631253 - Sunday 19 June 2016 2:00

*Even more glad. Sorry but that bothers the hell out of me.

By Standupboi | 0

#626049 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:30

she probably means from high school musical

By IceCream53423 | 0

#626054 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:31

umm
how do we no OPs name isn't Troy??

unFmyLife | 0

#627376 - Monday 19 October 2009 15:32

Why would it be FML if the OP was Troy?

By cr4ckb0n3f4n | 0

#626131 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:09

too little info to tell is than fml or an ydi

By raeannriley | 0

#626162 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:26

and sometimes people can't always help what they dream. so really, it's not an fyl!! more like not significant to your life at all.

RoseBlack123 | 37

#5770749 - Thursday 28 November 2013 2:06

Exactly. Often in my dreams, I forget that I have a boyfriend, and end up flirting in them with my guy friends that I would absolutely never date in real life. It doesn't really mean anything though

By justmyluck1212 | 0

#626244 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

He could be a celebrity crush she has, lol.