Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with...

By s0728 - 1/9/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

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Work

Honesty is the best policy

Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

By Unreasonable - 23/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - 13/9/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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By JackieD - 25/8/2014 18:05 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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By Neuronerd - 19/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Oxnar60 - 8/8/2016 18:19 - United States - Harwich

Today, I left my phone at work. After returning to the office to retrieve it, I noticed it was not on my desk as it usually is. I went to the front office and found it on the desk, unattended. When turning on my phone, I was greeted by my new lockscreen: a crap someone took in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By NoFightResponse - 24/4/2009 03:53 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street late at night, when I was distracted by a text message. Some guy then gets in my passenger side. Panicked, thinking I was being robbed, I bolt out of my car bruising my head and dropping my phone onto the pavement. The guy meant to get in the car behind me. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 29/5/2015 15:05 - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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By rent-a-cop - 5/5/2013 04:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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By monkeywrench - 30/8/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By crissy becks - 5/8/2012 22:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By liz - 21/6/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: "designed with your pregnancy in mind". It was a maternity top. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 16:13 - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 06:39 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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By floppy - 9/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

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By MisterSeth - 17/6/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

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By loserface - 23/2/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 23:02 - United States

Today, my new iPhone was stolen from my school locker. After canceling my service, sobbing, having my mom yell at the secretary for their lack of security and finally agreeing to change to a private school, I found it in the corner of my locker. FML

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By abby0019 - 13/3/2010 00:08 - France

Today, my new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I open the door to see my ex-husband, with a horrified look on his face, and his girlfriend. FML

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By Mother of a dumb blonde - 22/6/2017 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML

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By sunshinexx - 7/9/2012 09:50 - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

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By cosmonaut - 7/8/2009 09:18 - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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By unemployed-dude - 8/12/2015 06:17 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:03 - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

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By ovawerkrd - 16/1/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

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By evilplatypus - 11/2/2019 14:00 - United States - Cromwell

Today, after talking to my psychiatrist about a delusion I have - that I know is a delusion but simply can’t shake - he started frowning and pulled out the DSM-V. After thumbing through it for a while he looks at me and says, “That’s not in here.” FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises inside the door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML

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By hunter168647 - 2/7/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By Foreigner - 1/8/2011 15:05 - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By dangerZone - 27/2/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

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By swarm20 - 5/2/2013 05:24 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By Charlotte - 28/9/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I arrived at work at 8, and business was abnormally slow, but we assumed it would pick up. Few hours later, we had not had a single customer. As I walk out of the restaurant, I realize the open sign has been off all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 16:10 - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

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By buymeadrank - 30/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

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By hurtinrealbad - 16/10/2012 17:25 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

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By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

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Top comments

By Flaptrap | 8

#6054639 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:24

Please tell me you told him yes.

By cakefete2 | 30

#6054660 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:52

There's even a process that allows you to add hair extensions to the raspberries for a richer full bodied look.

Comments

By Flaptrap | 8

#6054639 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:24

Please tell me you told him yes.

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6054648 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:32

But of course! It's common sense!

cakefete2 | 30

#6054660 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:52

There's even a process that allows you to add hair extensions to the raspberries for a richer full bodied look.

ItsFeztho | 13

#6054665 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 11:08

Its a lot like glitter glue, but its called hairy glue

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6054820 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 18:35

They do the same thing with the peaches.

TheSwegMaster69 | 11

#6054946 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 21:02

And coconuts.

noah_1234 | 24

#6054959 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 21:19

who knew some people lile hair on their fruits

Ichiya | 29

#6055207 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 3:49

Op gets $5 per raspberry they make hairy.

By viva_la_blondes | 15

#6054640 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:24

That's not really an FML that's just one stupid question from a customer....

By jgwyh | 18

#6054641 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:26

Classic Murica comment.

badluckalex | 23

#6054678 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 11:59

Contrary to your belief, stupidity is global.

thefmlman2011 | 31

#6054690 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 13:01

#3 aussie, aussie, aussie!

Queensland | 27

#6054734 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 14:52

Oh shut up all of you, country bashing does nothing. We're all friends here!

27, oi oi oi !!

Insertnamesz | 3

#6054891 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 19:39

#25
SHOTS FIRED OOOOH
hehe :P

Smurphs00 | 10

#6055335 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 8:49

Damn... You beat me to it!

Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6499327 - Saturday 2 January 2016 7:34

Aussies wouldn't do that, Americans wouldn't, Aussies would chuck it on the barbie to get the hairs nice and crisp, then eat them. Americans would shoot the raspberry.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6054642 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:30

Grab the nearest baguette and whack him on the head with it.

By viva_la_blondes | 15

#6054645 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:30

Hey why did my #2 comment get erased?): that's very mean FML team. Very mean indeed.

By woainishamu | 21

#6054646 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:31

Yes! We use eatable mini glue dots. -_-

TiiBags | 15

#6054654 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:46

*edible

woainishamu | 21

#6054876 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 19:19

Wow I totally fucked that one up! Haha thanks

TiiBags | 15

#6054895 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 19:44

No problem :P

marcus369 | 9

#6054943 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 20:56

i find it funny that #10 got 60 likes just for a correction

shingshangshawn | 11

#6055170 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 2:09

I find it funny that you've STILL. got NONE for trying to be a "like" whore. Jealous much?

LegalLoitering | 12

#6055230 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 4:25

It seems your jimmies have been rustled, 61.

By maxisjawesome | 9

#6054647 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:31

You should have told the customer that the raspberries are the balls of a fruit monster.

cakefete2 | 30

#6054661 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:53

Come on now, no need to get "teste".

dDailydDosage | 8

#6060084 - Monday 8 September 2014 16:39

You don't even know how true that statement is. Fruit and flowers are the reproductive organs of their plants :x

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#6054653 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:41

"Raspberries don't actually have hair on them. It's just my pubic hair. :)"

JMichael | 25

#6054684 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 12:24

That's just nasy..

cinskeep43 | 15

#6054771 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 16:19

nasy...

Daniel589 | 7

#6054782 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 17:02

Nasty*?

imbackwiththeshi | 9

#6055169 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 2:09

But naked nasty or nah?

By PerditaDessa | 38

#6054655 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:46

I'd have looked at him with a panicked expression and said, "Hairs? Oh no, not again!" as I ran into back. Sending someone else out to apologize and deal with him.

orbit | 22

#6055310 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 7:07

There need to be more people like you in the world

By abattior | 18

#6054656 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 10:46

wow he's that stupid :O