Health: Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed...

By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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35965

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Health

Sorry…

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Delayed proposal

By weddingbells - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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60866

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 02:01

Nags

Today, ever since the company I worked for closed because of COVID, it took me 6 months to find a new job, during which time my wife and in-laws nagged me to get one. Now I have, my wife has asked for a divorce and I absolutely hate my new job. FML

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By jacobscrackers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

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47824

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By Veryfunny - Australia

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By BurntBroken

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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4327

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By fmlpanda - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

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By innocent

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

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5348

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By screw the cat - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

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13078

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By sisisathief - United States - Concord

Today, I caught my sister taking money from my wallet. When I confronted her, she claimed that she was actually putting back money that she had stolen earlier. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Toloveornottolove - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML

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15073

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By Ifuckdup

Today, I asked my classmate if she was ready for the final tomorrow and she said it was yesterday. I'm not a bad student - I have 90+ average in the class - but the final was 50% of my grade. FML

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4460

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By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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1504

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By lez probs - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

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56428

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By Troy - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By NoctisMax - United States - Humble

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

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8420

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

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8807

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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22589

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By TooSunnyForSkin - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

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By ohgodwhyfml - United States - Danbury

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

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28788

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By Adulting

Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML

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1995

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By Anonymous

Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML

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3758

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By Emma - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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32026

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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23152

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By loner - United States

Today, I was sitting in class when the most popular girl in my grade came up to me holding birthday invitation cards. I've never been invited to a birthday party, so I was so excited when she handed me a card only to hear her say, "Mary is on your bus, will you give this to her?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 00:30

Ghosted

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML

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896

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By bjevilcat2 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

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28174

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By Orangehead - United States

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

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30243

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By toriforever - United States

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

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51536

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By jmove - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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1507

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By TowelSinger

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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26382

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By Anonymous

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1984

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265

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By Anonymous - United States - Phillipsburg

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

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19029

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By Anonymous

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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666

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

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33053

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By samantha - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

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1915

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML

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By dirtytoes - United States - Houston

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

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22239

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Top comments

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

COMMENTS

By penelopecruise | 2

#1762766 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

first

bamagrl410 | 31

#1762811 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I bet this gets modded in the next hour or so. You fail. No one is interested.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1762870 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:35

i wish my penis could be over stretched :(

PushMyButtons | 5

#1762901 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:39

I thought about that penis comment and it reminded me of the taffy puller in a willy wonka movie......

deannoz | 0

#1762908 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Be prepared for MODERATION.
~Ques sirin~

darlinqqbella | 0

#1762926 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:43

how is that even possible? ouchh.

deannoz | 0

#1762943 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:49

~Ques shitty situation and other shit jokes on first comment and in the comments section~

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1762996 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:59

Piggies do not say moo! they oink.

deannoz | 0

#1763033 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:09

What does that have to do with anything, #32?

rallets | 22

#1763060 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:15

idk #28
havent seen any puns

looks like youre full of shit

MaximilianMarche | 0

#1763077 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:19

look at # 17 And 21 profile. superfreaks. just saying.

rallets | 22

#1763083 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:22

well aint that some shit

looks like were in deep shit

you gotta be shitting me

they must be shitting bricks

up shit creek without a paddle

Sadochan | 0

#1763106 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:31

Fagget.

You're so full of shit OP. You constpated fuck. :P

gamerhead | 3

#1763197 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:58

time for some spring cleaning!!!

pytel93 | 0

#1763227 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:06

you're cute lol. find me on facebook! :)

pytel93 | 0

#1763270 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:15

wow you're cute

Wynton | 0

#1772003 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 6:07

sooooooo...... your place? mi place?.. :|

By thrice643 | 7

#1762771 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

sounds like fun...

LosAngelesSon | 8

#1763290 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:19

your profile pic looks lewd...

Mylifeskool | 0

#1764056 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:33

hahaha his pic made me laugh so hard

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

Lisimal | 7

#1762911 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Bloody shit!

rallets | 22

#1763071 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:18

HOLY SHIT!!!

hobojo11 | 0

#1772574 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:39

oh shit been eatin to much shit it herts like shit i can use shut so much mor but im soo

By tnb0005 | 0

#1762783 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:25

this just happened to my friend a week ago! fyl. sorry :(

thesock339 | 0

#1763368 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:02

this happened to me a couple of years ago. trust me, it's the worst.

zolltf | 4

#1763902 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:00

Happened to me, I was litterally on the ground because ai couldn't stand up from the pain.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

jakegryan | 0

#1762846 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

its ok, were laughing with them... not directly at them

mks100 | 0

#2877742 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:04

saaame!!!

laya_fml | 26

#5470169 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:17

9- There was a chance that I was laughing directly at OP

By jakegryan | 0

#1762833 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:30

i remember my college hazing days ahhh good times... QQ

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#1762839 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

I didn't even think that was possible...wow!

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1766603 - Monday 29 November 2010 4:49

ok i think i just got that your picture is pikachu right?

By scottovious | 0

#1762851 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

wow, sorry, that sucks

By disco2466 | 8

#1762854 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

take a poo

jakegryan | 0

#1762861 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

he obviously cant, genius

thisgirl2u | 9

#1762931 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:46

Well if he wasn't such a tight ass maybe he could..

jakegryan | 0

#1762960 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:53

haha

AthinaMarie | 0

#1763148 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:43

Now what the hell would OP ever do without you? I am guessing he probably already thought of taking a shit.

Howljerk | 0

#1763597 - Sunday 28 November 2010 13:15

Nice eyes

Miii_fml | 0

#1764076 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:37

lmao!

CanadianMuse | 0

#1766055 - Monday 29 November 2010 1:14

OP will need to have Enema shoved in the bum & wait 40 - 70 seconds until running to empty the poop...

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#1762858 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

I.. D... How does this happen? Is this why my mom would tell me not to hold it in?

But FYL. Drink some prune juice.

deannoz | 0

#1762918 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:42

Yes, indeed, this is why your mother told you not to hold it in ;]

Serec | 0

#1763411 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.

Serec | 0

#1763414 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.