Health: Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed...

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 4 570

Health

Batman

Midlife crisis

One each

By ........................... - 25/07/2013 16:17 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 781

You deserved it 6 118

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 473

You deserved it 104 531

By 3722145 - 31/01/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 376

You deserved it 6 837

By ellie - 23/02/2011 07:10 - Australia

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 2 474

By Anonymous - 14/03/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 597

You deserved it 8 306

Hip cats

By :(( - 24/06/2012 21:45 - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 50 878

By e.middlechild - 13/06/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 369

You deserved it 3 698

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 374

You deserved it 8 808

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 630

You deserved it 2 649

By Rakayla - 29/06/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 217

By Allie - 03/06/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 952

You deserved it 26 433

Rush job

By ananomoose - 15/04/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 668

You deserved it 93 661

By moronicmoroccan - 22/01/2009 23:26 - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 474

You deserved it 2 558

By Marty - 24/08/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 510

You deserved it 2 584

By ShayanFCB - 20/10/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 956

You deserved it 2 715

By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 526

You deserved it 49 556

By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 297

You deserved it 13 800

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 273

You deserved it 4 016

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 06:15 - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 597

You deserved it 7 177

By Nate - 06/03/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 493

You deserved it 52 536

By budadepressed - 18/07/2016 21:22 - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 500

You deserved it 1 055

By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 01/09/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 212

You deserved it 3 211

By bookworm94 - 27/07/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 501

You deserved it 16 638

Baywatch

By Jenn - 16/12/2016 00:50

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 159

You deserved it 814

By Devin - 19/05/2013 05:26 - United States

Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 188

You deserved it 27 799

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 819

You deserved it 5 236

By dustlander.com - 16/10/2018 07:30 - United States - Provo

Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 406

You deserved it 321

By Boo - 16/08/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 451

You deserved it 377

By leftoutdrunk - 05/05/2012 18:12 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 643

You deserved it 4 028

By wwasmer - 27/02/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 789

You deserved it 16 859

I'm parked here!

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 17:00

Today, they've been building a house next door. I went to wash and wax my car, and I was back home for only 10 minutes before a Bobcat digger backed into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 49

By Anonymous - 05/12/2018 03:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 388

You deserved it 225

By Sparks - 13/03/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 682

You deserved it 14 941

By mitsuko045 - 10/08/2010 00:33 - Ireland

Today, after moving into my new house, I agreed to let my house mates have a house warming on the condition it be a small one, as I have exams all day that day and one that I can't fail on the very next morning. The facebook event guest list now has 100+ confirmed guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 117

You deserved it 25 888

By KimberleyIrene - 20/07/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a job I interviewed for. The guy called me and told me I got it. I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" He responded with "You're welcome Emily". My name isn't Emily, it's Kim. He got the numbers mixed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 523

You deserved it 2 514

Damn kids!

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 13:57

Today, I found out that my 9 year-old cousin logged into my main chess account and lost 1700 points on purpose down from 2300. Which took 8 years of grinding and several national championships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 158

By Emily - 07/02/2012 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 358

You deserved it 3 004

By drfrogpepper - 01/01/2011 23:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 995

You deserved it 3 591

By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 087

You deserved it 54 570

By GonnaBeLonley2night - 13/09/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 138

You deserved it 8 301

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Top comments

redbeater 5

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

SamSayzRAWRZ 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

penelopecruise 2

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

first

bamagrl410 31

Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I bet this gets modded in the next hour or so. You fail. No one is interested.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:35

i wish my penis could be over stretched :(

PushMyButtons 5

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:39

I thought about that penis comment and it reminded me of the taffy puller in a willy wonka movie......

deannoz 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Be prepared for MODERATION. ~Ques sirin~

darlinqqbella 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:43

how is that even possible? ouchh.

deannoz 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:49

~Ques shitty situation and other shit jokes on first comment and in the comments section~

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:59

Piggies do not say moo! they oink.

deannoz 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:09

What does that have to do with anything, #32?

rallets 22

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:15

idk #28 havent seen any puns looks like youre full of shit

MaximilianMarche 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:19

look at # 17 And 21 profile. superfreaks. just saying.

rallets 22

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:22

well aint that some shit looks like were in deep shit you gotta be shitting me they must be shitting bricks up shit creek without a paddle

Sadochan 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:31

Fagget. You're so full of shit OP. You constpated fuck. :P

gamerhead 3

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:58

time for some spring cleaning!!!

pytel93 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 11:06

you're cute lol. find me on facebook! :)

pytel93 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 11:15

wow you're cute

Wynton 0

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 6:07

sooooooo...... your place? mi place?.. :|

thrice643 7

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

sounds like fun...

LosAngelesSon 8

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Sunday 28 November 2010 11:19

your profile pic looks lewd...

Mylifeskool 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 15:33

hahaha his pic made me laugh so hard

redbeater 5

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

Lisimal 7

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Bloody shit!

rallets 22

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:18

HOLY SHIT!!!

hobojo11 0

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:39

oh shit been eatin to much shit it herts like shit i can use shut so much mor but im soo

tnb0005 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:25

this just happened to my friend a week ago! fyl. sorry :(

thesock339 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 12:02

this happened to me a couple of years ago. trust me, it's the worst.

zolltf 4

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Sunday 28 November 2010 15:00

Happened to me, I was litterally on the ground because ai couldn't stand up from the pain.

SamSayzRAWRZ 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

jakegryan 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

its ok, were laughing with them... not directly at them

mks100 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:04

saaame!!!

laya_fml 26

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Monday 29 April 2013 5:17

9- There was a chance that I was laughing directly at OP

jakegryan 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:30

i remember my college hazing days ahhh good times... QQ

anorexicbarbie 8

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

I didn't even think that was possible...wow!

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 4:49

ok i think i just got that your picture is pikachu right?

scottovious 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

wow, sorry, that sucks

disco2466 8

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

take a poo

jakegryan 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

he obviously cant, genius

thisgirl2u 9

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:46

Well if he wasn't such a tight ass maybe he could..

jakegryan 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:53

haha

AthinaMarie 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 10:43

Now what the hell would OP ever do without you? I am guessing he probably already thought of taking a shit.

Howljerk 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 13:15

Nice eyes

Miii_fml 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 15:37

lmao!

CanadianMuse 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 1:14

OP will need to have Enema shoved in the bum & wait 40 - 70 seconds until running to empty the poop...

dudeitsdanny 9

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

I.. D... How does this happen? Is this why my mom would tell me not to hold it in? But FYL. Drink some prune juice.

deannoz 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:42

Yes, indeed, this is why your mother told you not to hold it in ;]

Serec 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.

Serec 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 30

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 197

Hip cats

Rush job

Baywatch

I'm parked here!

Damn kids!

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