Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed...

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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Health

Minefield

Healthy relationship

Thanks, I'm cured!

By mskawaiibat - 29/6/2013 10:01 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

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By mulligan - 7/7/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By OweLotsaMoney - 5/9/2013 15:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

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By Charlie - 5/5/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 02:00

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

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By thats what my ipod is for - 26/4/2013 17:34 - United States

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 04:08 - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By left4dead - 27/10/2012 20:04 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML

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By Jinthebar - 6/5/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone." in a seductive tone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 05:53 - Mexico

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

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By unwanted - 26/11/2014 18:13 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

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By Silent - 3/12/2009 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

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By FML - 15/7/2009 14:29 - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 00:17 - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2018 19:00

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By NoSleep - 26/9/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By Goblin Girl - 1/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By Littlethings1 - 31/3/2016 17:07 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

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By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

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By mass message - 16/10/2011 00:47 - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By joe - 31/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

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By JoshuaRob - 3/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By mexicandelicacy - 4/3/2012 03:09 - United States

Today, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my family. I got stuck trying to decide whether I should get the fajitas or the tacos. I ended up getting the tacos because I didn't want the fajitas to come in sizzling, and I didn't want to "make a scene". My social anxiety has hit a new low. FML

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By WorkWeirdo - 30/3/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

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By Username - 5/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

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By ZSL - 17/8/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML

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By hanmart - 15/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

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By butchapparently - 10/8/2015 15:35

Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

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By me:( - 16/7/2013 23:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

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By numb fingers - 15/4/2016 05:54 - United States - Banning

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

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By MBoomer - 16/11/2016 06:36

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - 9/5/2016 21:26 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By jcedarholm - 13/9/2012 05:19 - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2013 12:17 - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2013 17:28 - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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Top comments

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

COMMENTS

By penelopecruise | 2

#1762766 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

first

bamagrl410 | 31

#1762811 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I bet this gets modded in the next hour or so. You fail. No one is interested.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1762870 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:35

i wish my penis could be over stretched :(

PushMyButtons | 5

#1762901 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:39

I thought about that penis comment and it reminded me of the taffy puller in a willy wonka movie......

deannoz | 0

#1762908 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Be prepared for MODERATION.
~Ques sirin~

darlinqqbella | 0

#1762926 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:43

how is that even possible? ouchh.

deannoz | 0

#1762943 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:49

~Ques shitty situation and other shit jokes on first comment and in the comments section~

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1762996 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:59

Piggies do not say moo! they oink.

deannoz | 0

#1763033 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:09

What does that have to do with anything, #32?

rallets | 22

#1763060 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:15

idk #28
havent seen any puns

looks like youre full of shit

MaximilianMarche | 0

#1763077 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:19

look at # 17 And 21 profile. superfreaks. just saying.

rallets | 22

#1763083 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:22

well aint that some shit

looks like were in deep shit

you gotta be shitting me

they must be shitting bricks

up shit creek without a paddle

Sadochan | 0

#1763106 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:31

Fagget.

You're so full of shit OP. You constpated fuck. :P

gamerhead | 3

#1763197 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:58

time for some spring cleaning!!!

pytel93 | 0

#1763227 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:06

you're cute lol. find me on facebook! :)

pytel93 | 0

#1763270 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:15

wow you're cute

Wynton | 0

#1772003 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 6:07

sooooooo...... your place? mi place?.. :|

By thrice643 | 7

#1762771 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

sounds like fun...

LosAngelesSon | 8

#1763290 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:19

your profile pic looks lewd...

Mylifeskool | 0

#1764056 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:33

hahaha his pic made me laugh so hard

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

Lisimal | 7

#1762911 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Bloody shit!

rallets | 22

#1763071 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:18

HOLY SHIT!!!

hobojo11 | 0

#1772574 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:39

oh shit been eatin to much shit it herts like shit i can use shut so much mor but im soo

By tnb0005 | 0

#1762783 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:25

this just happened to my friend a week ago! fyl. sorry :(

thesock339 | 0

#1763368 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:02

this happened to me a couple of years ago. trust me, it's the worst.

zolltf | 4

#1763902 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:00

Happened to me, I was litterally on the ground because ai couldn't stand up from the pain.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

jakegryan | 0

#1762846 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

its ok, were laughing with them... not directly at them

mks100 | 0

#2877742 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:04

saaame!!!

laya_fml | 26

#5470169 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:17

9- There was a chance that I was laughing directly at OP

By jakegryan | 0

#1762833 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:30

i remember my college hazing days ahhh good times... QQ

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#1762839 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

I didn't even think that was possible...wow!

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1766603 - Monday 29 November 2010 4:49

ok i think i just got that your picture is pikachu right?

By scottovious | 0

#1762851 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

wow, sorry, that sucks

By disco2466 | 8

#1762854 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

take a poo

jakegryan | 0

#1762861 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

he obviously cant, genius

thisgirl2u | 9

#1762931 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:46

Well if he wasn't such a tight ass maybe he could..

jakegryan | 0

#1762960 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:53

haha

AthinaMarie | 0

#1763148 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:43

Now what the hell would OP ever do without you? I am guessing he probably already thought of taking a shit.

Howljerk | 0

#1763597 - Sunday 28 November 2010 13:15

Nice eyes

Miii_fml | 0

#1764076 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:37

lmao!

CanadianMuse | 0

#1766055 - Monday 29 November 2010 1:14

OP will need to have Enema shoved in the bum & wait 40 - 70 seconds until running to empty the poop...

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#1762858 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

I.. D... How does this happen? Is this why my mom would tell me not to hold it in?

But FYL. Drink some prune juice.

deannoz | 0

#1762918 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:42

Yes, indeed, this is why your mother told you not to hold it in ;]

Serec | 0

#1763411 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.

Serec | 0

#1763414 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.