Health: Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed...

By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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Health

Triage

Season finale

It's not unusual

By robbed - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

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By notmyfam - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

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15476

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By cumbucket cops - United States - Barberton

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

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43543

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By Jessie - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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1734

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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15273

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By Foxy17 - 16/8/2020 20:01

Never engage with psychos

Today, in a convenience store, I asked a girl who wasn't wearing her mask and not keeping her distance to step away. After telling me to fuck off, she put her mask on, went to the teenage manager and said I was harassing her. Even after hearing my side of the story, I was asked to leave. Turns out it was his girlfriend. FML

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By HousekeeperNoMore - United States

Today, after being a stay-at-home mom and picking up after my kids for the past 15 years, I got a job rejection letter saying I wasn't qualified. It was a housekeeping position. FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By UGH - United States

Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She's a screamer. FML

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39924

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took the biggest, most excruciatingly painful crap of my life. It was so bad that I couldn't walk straight for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Long enough for my boyfriend to film me limping around and post the clip to Facebook with the caption "#anal ftw ;)". FML

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By stupid older sister - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I woke up from a nap to find my little brother playing some games on my phone. A few hours later I come to find he had deleted all 500 pictures from my trip to Europe last month. He needed more space to download the games. Mom says he's too young to understand what he did wrong. He's 14. FML

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By MickeyDManager - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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44564

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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1758

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By Bento - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By dust - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

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28907

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By Wheredigowrong - United States - Ankeny

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

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20978

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By datingmrpicky - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

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19437

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

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14143

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

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12669

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I met a guy in a bar. He was sweet and funny so I asked him out for coffee later. He quickly turned me down, saying that I didn't even meet his first requirement. His first requirement was "looks like a girl." FML

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37270

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

The customer is always an ass

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

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By KCHS - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

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29964

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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By Darkheaven - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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50368

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By babygurl69 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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12750

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I am sorry

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

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3676

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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32744

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By Anonymous

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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1296

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaverton

Today, my idiot boss placed an expensive order for anti-bullying banners that read: "Take a stand against bullying!" This would be fine if I didn't work in a specialized school for children in wheelchairs. FML

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24982

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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23587

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

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44985

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 19:15

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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1378

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By air - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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23587

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By Chipper

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

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2576

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By wtfiswrongwithher - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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46669

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By Anonymous

Today, I was heading home after getting off work at 5 in the morning, when a deer slid out in front of my car. Not jumped. Slid. Thanks, winter. FML

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23401

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By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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33833

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Top comments

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

COMMENTS

By penelopecruise | 2

#1762766 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

first

bamagrl410 | 31

#1762811 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I bet this gets modded in the next hour or so. You fail. No one is interested.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1762870 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:35

i wish my penis could be over stretched :(

PushMyButtons | 5

#1762901 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:39

I thought about that penis comment and it reminded me of the taffy puller in a willy wonka movie......

deannoz | 0

#1762908 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Be prepared for MODERATION.
~Ques sirin~

darlinqqbella | 0

#1762926 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:43

how is that even possible? ouchh.

deannoz | 0

#1762943 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:49

~Ques shitty situation and other shit jokes on first comment and in the comments section~

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1762996 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:59

Piggies do not say moo! they oink.

deannoz | 0

#1763033 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:09

What does that have to do with anything, #32?

rallets | 22

#1763060 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:15

idk #28
havent seen any puns

looks like youre full of shit

MaximilianMarche | 0

#1763077 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:19

look at # 17 And 21 profile. superfreaks. just saying.

rallets | 22

#1763083 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:22

well aint that some shit

looks like were in deep shit

you gotta be shitting me

they must be shitting bricks

up shit creek without a paddle

Sadochan | 0

#1763106 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:31

Fagget.

You're so full of shit OP. You constpated fuck. :P

gamerhead | 3

#1763197 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:58

time for some spring cleaning!!!

pytel93 | 0

#1763227 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:06

you're cute lol. find me on facebook! :)

pytel93 | 0

#1763270 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:15

wow you're cute

Wynton | 0

#1772003 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 6:07

sooooooo...... your place? mi place?.. :|

By thrice643 | 7

#1762771 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:23

sounds like fun...

LosAngelesSon | 8

#1763290 - Sunday 28 November 2010 11:19

your profile pic looks lewd...

Mylifeskool | 0

#1764056 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:33

hahaha his pic made me laugh so hard

By redbeater | 5

#1762775 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:24

aww shit.

Lisimal | 7

#1762911 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:40

Bloody shit!

rallets | 22

#1763071 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:18

HOLY SHIT!!!

hobojo11 | 0

#1772574 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 8:39

oh shit been eatin to much shit it herts like shit i can use shut so much mor but im soo

By tnb0005 | 0

#1762783 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:25

this just happened to my friend a week ago! fyl. sorry :(

thesock339 | 0

#1763368 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:02

this happened to me a couple of years ago. trust me, it's the worst.

zolltf | 4

#1763902 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:00

Happened to me, I was litterally on the ground because ai couldn't stand up from the pain.

By SamSayzRAWRZ | 0

#1762817 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:28

I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.

jakegryan | 0

#1762846 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

its ok, were laughing with them... not directly at them

mks100 | 0

#2877742 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 0:04

saaame!!!

laya_fml | 26

#5470169 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:17

9- There was a chance that I was laughing directly at OP

By jakegryan | 0

#1762833 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:30

i remember my college hazing days ahhh good times... QQ

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#1762839 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:31

I didn't even think that was possible...wow!

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1766603 - Monday 29 November 2010 4:49

ok i think i just got that your picture is pikachu right?

By scottovious | 0

#1762851 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

wow, sorry, that sucks

By disco2466 | 8

#1762854 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:32

take a poo

jakegryan | 0

#1762861 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

he obviously cant, genius

thisgirl2u | 9

#1762931 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:46

Well if he wasn't such a tight ass maybe he could..

jakegryan | 0

#1762960 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:53

haha

AthinaMarie | 0

#1763148 - Sunday 28 November 2010 10:43

Now what the hell would OP ever do without you? I am guessing he probably already thought of taking a shit.

Howljerk | 0

#1763597 - Sunday 28 November 2010 13:15

Nice eyes

Miii_fml | 0

#1764076 - Sunday 28 November 2010 15:37

lmao!

CanadianMuse | 0

#1766055 - Monday 29 November 2010 1:14

OP will need to have Enema shoved in the bum & wait 40 - 70 seconds until running to empty the poop...

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#1762858 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:33

I.. D... How does this happen? Is this why my mom would tell me not to hold it in?

But FYL. Drink some prune juice.

deannoz | 0

#1762918 - Sunday 28 November 2010 9:42

Yes, indeed, this is why your mother told you not to hold it in ;]

Serec | 0

#1763411 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.

Serec | 0

#1763414 - Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

Oh I am a vegetarian, I still get constipated. my longest time without taking a shit while being a vegetarian is about 5 days.