Transportation: Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after... - FML

By legotron - 30/10/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 687

You deserved it 2 542

Own it

BO Central

Taking stock

Jesus is my social media manager

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 885

You deserved it 3 831

By whyyyyyme - 04/08/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 649

You deserved it 2 216

By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

Spicy

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 945

You deserved it 3 128

By Sarcasmo - 12/07/2016 20:04 - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 792

You deserved it 1 276

By Anonymous - 01/02/2010 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 820

You deserved it 4 099

By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 022

You deserved it 4 327

By Anonymous - 19/03/2013 19:35 - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 008

You deserved it 4 715

Are you? Are you really?

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 05:01

Today, a friend from our circle group told me that my behavior of responding her stories with another related story of mine was annoying. I'm was sorry about that and decided to introspect and not show up in our group chat for a while. Then I realized I'm a toxic person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 331

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 11:29 - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 630

You deserved it 3 811

By Burning Love - 15/03/2014 07:35 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 041

You deserved it 5 334

Thanks, I hate it

By ken - 19/07/2011 07:40 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 175

You deserved it 3 587

By flustered - 06/05/2012 14:57 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 516

You deserved it 4 745

Spy vs. Spy

By Bree - 15/08/2012 15:15 - United States

Today, my father tried to secretly follow me all day, because he doesn't believe that I have any "real" errands to run or friends to meet with. He's actually convinced that I'm living some secret double life with another family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 641

You deserved it 1 717

By snorlax - 20/01/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 663

You deserved it 8 325

Mind the handbrake!

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I've been loyal to my wife for almost 25 years then I randomly bumped into my high school sweetheart, sparks flew like when we were teenagers, and less than an hour later we were having sex in her car. I feel like such scum. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 4 820

By bianca131 - 10/11/2015 03:42 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 166

You deserved it 7 818

By Ren - 24/02/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 569

You deserved it 4 313

By Stiffed - 07/04/2016 09:19 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 118

You deserved it 1 476

Is that a pass then?

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 339

By fartmaster - 22/04/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 232

You deserved it 61 574

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 555

You deserved it 4 955

By Blondie - 23/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 232

You deserved it 92 703

Scarred

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 14:00

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 149

By Anonymous - 29/08/2012 21:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 207

You deserved it 7 786

By LilPie - 19/11/2015 22:10 - United States - Fort Washington

Spicy

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 925

You deserved it 2 288

By John - 01/04/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 903

You deserved it 628

Hippity hoppity

By Stuckinbed - 19/03/2020 21:00

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 752

You deserved it 98

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 796

You deserved it 1 733

By vivelawank - 10/05/2014 20:52 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 623

You deserved it 60 030

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 574

You deserved it 54 070

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 16:39 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 119

You deserved it 1 922

By opposableouch - 27/10/2009 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 905

You deserved it 7 930

Squeezed one out

By harris - 25/06/2021 02:00

Today, I was desperate for the toilet when I got stopped by our CEO for a chat about a project I made a ton of profit on. I was so close to disaster that when she pulled me in for a hug I wasn’t expecting, it happened. Diarrhoea down my legs and shoes. I practically made the CEO vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 182

By CaBur - 19/02/2013 22:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 315

You deserved it 27 035

By DemiRawrs - 01/05/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 549

You deserved it 4 683

By shylahrc - 03/05/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 104

You deserved it 3 508

By Hopeless romantic - 16/08/2014 06:20 - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 441

You deserved it 10 287

Wrong end of the stick

By anonymous - 09/04/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 511

You deserved it 39 476

By douchetard - 26/03/2009 07:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 488

You deserved it 134 384

By kel - 08/11/2013 23:50 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 896

You deserved it 7 452

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Friday 30 October 2009 15:44

I hope you called the police.

donkey_hang_down 2

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:00

Hunt her down and stalk her, when you burn her house down with her sleeping in it, tell her "watch where you're sleeping"... She is a whore

Comments

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Friday 30 October 2009 15:39

what a bitch. fyl :(

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Friday 30 October 2009 18:02

I knooo Damn call the cops :(

Reyo 2

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Friday 30 October 2009 19:55

Call the cops. Gather witnesses. Get her ass thrown in jail. Sue for any bodily harm. Pretty simple. Unless it happened on some backroad in the middle of the night, someone will have either heard it or saw it happen.

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Friday 30 October 2009 23:32

Pffffft women drivers FTL..... Apparently female drivers cause more deaths then drugs.... FACT We should take the right to drive from females and give them a kitchen license instead O yeah and we should take the right to vote from them too, and the right to speak... they make to much noise nowadays. FYL...

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Saturday 31 October 2009 4:22

You should just masturbate. Enjoy yourself.

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Thursday 11 March 2010 4:55

call the cops or run the old fart down in her driveway later then beat on her for a while till she isn't dumber than a stump.

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Monday 9 August 2010 8:06

it's a lady driving guys. why are we not surprised *shakes head left to right* *taps foot*

cupcakemann95 7

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Sunday 17 April 2011 14:27

lol 1 I knew someone was going to say that!

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Friday 30 October 2009 15:44

I hope you called the police.

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Monday 2 November 2009 8:11

I know, right?

plutosaplanet 0

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Friday 30 October 2009 15:47

anytime ive blacked out i cant remember anything anyone said

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:06

haha

dacho 7

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:05

Agreed.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:33

She said partly blacked out so she probably meant things were foggy but she could still hear.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:42

truedat

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Friday 26 March 2010 6:44

yep. nd op I'd sue her ass

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

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Friday 30 October 2009 15:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

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Friday 30 October 2009 17:25

(clears throat and tilts head crooked and closes mouth) But the important thing is that you're (starts laughing) still... alive (laughs hysterically) (still laughing) Sorry. It is simply impossible.

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:34

ur REEL gey mercyfml

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 22:30

I love how you have to type in parentheses that you were laughing to yourself. It shows your raging social life.

donkey_hang_down 2

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:00

Hunt her down and stalk her, when you burn her house down with her sleeping in it, tell her "watch where you're sleeping"... She is a whore

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Monday 2 November 2009 4:37

That's not attempted murder. Attempted murder is premeditated.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:12

Where did my previous comment go? Damn, women drivers ftw 0.o

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:06

wow. what a bitch.

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Friday 30 October 2009 18:16

I like Mercy's idea. It smells like satisfying revenge. EDIT: Hey, where'd her comment go? :o

donkey_hang_down 2

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Friday 30 October 2009 18:23

WOW i didnt see that you wrote "watch where you are sleeping" guess we thought the same... I like it BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING!!!

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:12

Hit and run is pretty hardcore illegal. I bet they can track her down and prosecute her. Geesh, people like her should be exiled so normal people don't have to deal with their jackassery.

Callyn 47

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:15

Stupid reply system, not related to the previous post. OP, you have to take legal action. I hope you're ok.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:35

more like license plate. wow.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:17

find her and eat her children.

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Friday 30 October 2009 16:32

sounds like some pretty scary stuff. sometimes I wonder how the heck some people get their license. especially asian people in Australia. except for me though. I'm an excellent asian driver lol

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 75

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 285