Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday....

By happybidet - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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Love

You've got some explaining to do

Not now, mom!

Modernity

By Faker - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By eightleggedtictac - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By Don’t know what to think

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By finalfantasy - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was chosen to MC a function at work. I developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

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By extraflavour - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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By morningbirdie - 20/9/2020 14:01

Drunk level: 2000

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By Anoymous - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did I realise I've met him before. He was at my friend's party last month, the only time in my life when I got so wasted that I danced on a table before puking on myself. He remembers me, too. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Uggghhh

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

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By Fmyoffice - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By USSEYL - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By ColdFoot - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By Coffee Boy - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By Teamarie - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By cmendez - United States

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, while cleaning around the house, I found a black bra that wasn’t mine. I confronted my husband about it, which turned into a massive fight. It turned out that the bra actually belonged to my son’s girlfriend I didn’t know he had. FML

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By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By lolilovemyboyfriend - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

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By Jehovah God - United States - Richmond

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, a drunk guy limped in front of my car, unzipped, and started pissing on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By Amelia

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By NotYourTracy

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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Top comments

By mermaidkeels | 26

#6707913 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:20

I'm sure she feels horrible and will have other "surprises" to make up for it...and this time it won't include getting punched!

By DesignOfHalogen | 18

#6707875 - Monday 31 October 2016 17:58

Nothing but tough love

COMMENTS

By DesignOfHalogen | 18

#6707875 - Monday 31 October 2016 17:58

Nothing but tough love

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6707876 - Monday 31 October 2016 17:58

Was it because you cheated on her in the dream?

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6707902 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:14

If only you were a Masochist, you'd enjoy the surprise better.

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6707908 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:18

A Halloween Birthday? That's awesome and to be honest that seems like the appropriate way to wake up with such an occasion. Happy Birthday!

By TigranPet | 24

#6707911 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:19

Starting the day off with a bang!

By mermaidkeels | 26

#6707913 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:20

I'm sure she feels horrible and will have other "surprises" to make up for it...and this time it won't include getting punched!

Magnoxidans | 19

#6707929 - Monday 31 October 2016 18:38

What if he likes being punched during other surprises? :P

Arshoo14 | 2

#6708069 - Tuesday 1 November 2016 4:13

But it still may include screaming :D

By bigmeechay666 | 8

#6707945 - Monday 31 October 2016 19:25

It's my birthday today too!

By RichardPencil | 28

#6707948 - Monday 31 October 2016 19:29

Tell her next year you'd prefer a nice wake-up blowjob.

By Medieval_Unicorn | 24

#6707950 - Monday 31 October 2016 19:31

I have to hand it to you, your username is one of the best puns I've heard in a while, keep it up

By interesting33 | 36

#6708012 - Monday 31 October 2016 22:52

I had a dream last night that a snake was under the skin in my arm and then it bit itself out but there were still many maggots in it I had to dig out. I didn't scream.