Work: Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked... - FML

By Foot In Mouth - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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Understandable

Walk on the wild side

Catching up

By idrathernotgiveoutmyname - Canada

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

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By shal4

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bankstown

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By Calimero0 - 11/8/2020 17:02

Extreme phobias

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lamar

Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML

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By toothfairy - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

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By RotoRooter - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By rs - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

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By mommyopps - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

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By Meow - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I sneezed and shit myself in bed. It was the first time I ever slept at my girlfriends house, and probably the last time as well. FML

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By princessbbee - United States

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

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By lexii - United States

Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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By Moeswifey - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By ozzy - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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By shunned - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By Employee - United States - Lincoln

Today, while at work, I used the restroom. After I noticed we were out of paper towels, I just tried shaking my hands dry. I then readjusted my bra, since it'd been driving me crazy all day. After getting back to my cubicle, I realized that I had two wet handprints over my boobs. FML

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By Username

Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By lopsided - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By jesus christ - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

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By Fatnotpregnant

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By lemonchips - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

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By erin - 2/4/2021 10:59

Stranger danger

Today, I saw a girl with the same shirt as me. I excitedly pointed it out. She punched me in the face. I didn’t think people actually got mad about that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By traveling

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By jogginglikeitsmyjob - United States - Boston

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

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Top comments

By lilycups | 11

#6649074 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Do you actually do porn or was that an instinctual joke?

By MDoremis | 38

#6649066 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:01

That escalated quickly.

COMMENTS

By melissawarren | 7

#6649065 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:00

Well shit...

By MDoremis | 38

#6649066 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:01

That escalated quickly.

By anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649069 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:03

Haha, why would that even come to mind during something like that? Hopefully you didn't lose the client and they have a sense of humor :)

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6649071 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:08

So it's fetish porn, hey ? Maybe the assistant liked what you did with that foot ...

Reply

Casual_Cthulhu | 12

#6649409 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 21:57

I see what you did there

By lilycups | 11

#6649074 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Do you actually do porn or was that an instinctual joke?

Reply

KayDee29 | 31

#6649084 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:23

I'm also curious about this.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6649239 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 16:25

And please provide links, for research purposes.

Reply

Malsain_fml | 10

#6649290 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 17:41

#16 Agreed! I wonder if it's a girl or a guy!

Reply

KayDee29 | 31

#6649528 - Thursday 14 July 2016 1:55

#16 yes, I'm doing an extensive research on this specific subject. All the research.

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6649075 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Uhmmm...

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6649078 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:17

You just screwed yourself over.

Reply

obvious_lee | 9

#6649125 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 11:49

No, no... that's in the porn.

By chelsmokes | 14

#6649093 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:37

Why??? How is this a thing that you just blurted out?? Lol

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6649302 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 18:14

I'm vegan.

Reply

MrGarrett26 | 11

#6649347 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 19:49

that's a pretty common joke when someone says another looks familiar

By hiddenUSERNAME | 27

#6649105 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:54

This needs a follow up

By species4872 | 19

#6649129 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 11:56

Sounds like a good thing to say. Did you give the client a sample tape?