Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked... - FML

By Foot In Mouth - 13/7/2016 02:46 - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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Proactive

Alternative medicine is bull

Not a cheating!

By Fmyoffice - 27/11/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By AshlynnPrime - 14/11/2013 22:44 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

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By Revelyn - 3/6/2016 22:18 - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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By fishwizard - 2/6/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

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By FlyingFist - 4/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By hatemylife - 19/7/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2018 15:00

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML

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By epicvixen - 15/3/2015 21:12 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By ricard0 - 27/2/2014 20:58 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2012 18:21 - United States - Hollandale

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

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By anonymous - 10/1/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

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By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By Cat - 7/11/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

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By yayme. - 11/7/2013 22:26 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By theshameofit - 1/2/2011 17:42 - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 02:11 - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By nomfuck - 9/9/2014 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I overcame my debilitating seasickness long enough to have a shower and take a breath of fresh air on the cruise ship balcony. Then as a reward, a passing seagull shat on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By hurikan68 - 27/7/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML

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By cheatingapparently - 20/6/2020 23:06

Occam's razor

Today, I got an A+ on a writing assignment. My teacher asked me three times if I really did write this article myself, and didn't memorise an article from the Internet. FML

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By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By Doggotmytongue - 12/2/2013 21:50 - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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By Hth - 28/10/2008 00:13 - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

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By Hellau - 29/12/2009 10:56 - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By etsl - 26/10/2008 12:07 - France

Today, I've learnt that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

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By alhummel21 - 12/2/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

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By therapygal - 17/11/2018 15:30

Today, my girlfriend got very mad at me after finding several appointments with "Amanda" in my calendar. Amanda is my psychiatrist. FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - 25/2/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By klutz - 15/12/2016 15:41 - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 19:43 - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

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By flipnazn - 15/7/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By raesos91 - 18/9/2012 11:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:02 - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By blahpizzablah - 22/6/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

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By CelibateHero - 5/10/2013 06:31 - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

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Top comments

By lilycups | 11

#6649074 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Do you actually do porn or was that an instinctual joke?

By MDoremis | 38

#6649066 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:01

That escalated quickly.

COMMENTS

By melissawarren | 7

#6649065 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:00

Well shit...

By MDoremis | 38

#6649066 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:01

That escalated quickly.

By anonymoususer070 | 17

#6649069 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:03

Haha, why would that even come to mind during something like that? Hopefully you didn't lose the client and they have a sense of humor :)

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6649071 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:08

So it's fetish porn, hey ? Maybe the assistant liked what you did with that foot ...

Reply

Casual_Cthulhu | 12

#6649409 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 21:57

I see what you did there

By lilycups | 11

#6649074 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Do you actually do porn or was that an instinctual joke?

Reply

KayDee29 | 31

#6649084 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:23

I'm also curious about this.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6649239 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 16:25

And please provide links, for research purposes.

Reply

Malsain_fml | 10

#6649290 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 17:41

#16 Agreed! I wonder if it's a girl or a guy!

Reply

KayDee29 | 31

#6649528 - Thursday 14 July 2016 1:55

#16 yes, I'm doing an extensive research on this specific subject. All the research.

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6649075 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:12

Uhmmm...

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6649078 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:17

You just screwed yourself over.

Reply

obvious_lee | 9

#6649125 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 11:49

No, no... that's in the porn.

By chelsmokes | 14

#6649093 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:37

Why??? How is this a thing that you just blurted out?? Lol

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6649302 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 18:14

I'm vegan.

Reply

MrGarrett26 | 11

#6649347 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 19:49

that's a pretty common joke when someone says another looks familiar

By hiddenUSERNAME | 27

#6649105 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 10:54

This needs a follow up

By species4872 | 19

#6649129 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 11:56

Sounds like a good thing to say. Did you give the client a sample tape?