Miscellaneous: Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over...

By sheilob - 24/03/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 607

You deserved it 6 313

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 04/06/2015 09:08 - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 961

You deserved it 2 357

By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 01/09/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 291

You deserved it 3 224

Proud dad

By Sandra - 21/01/2021 11:01

Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 393

You deserved it 3 570

By Anon - 19/12/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 530

You deserved it 46 602

By jess - 07/03/2010 14:08 - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 023

You deserved it 4 683

By management - 21/02/2014 02:31 - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 133

You deserved it 7 375

By greenblue90 - 14/06/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 829

You deserved it 4 246

Stop! Hammertime!

By Anonymous - 17/07/2022 00:00

Today, my husband picked up and threw a hammer which smashed a hole in the plastic side of the conservatory, that daylight and rain can now get through, all because he “thought” he saw a mouse, which turned out to be one of my fluffy slippers half hidden under a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 142

By apparentfatty - 11/11/2011 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 321

You deserved it 7 130

sydie5 12

Sunday 25 March 2012 5:49

You two are perfect for each other :)

yesyesnonono 10

Sunday 25 March 2012 6:14

It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"

Comments

ZTD09 2

Sunday 25 March 2012 6:46

Those two people are the same people. :l

esluvjay 5

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:09

Don't have kids

KaelaKhaotic 5

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:09

Match made in heaven.

Pinkfl0yd 9

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:16

He must be some sort of papal noob.

RebelYell14 4

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:16

Above or below that level?

ToxicTyrael 26

Thursday 24 July 2014 10:25

This sure is the most important question! I wonder why nobody asked it before.

NakedPixels 15

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:23

OP, at least you type well for a near-retarded person.

Nudi_fml 13

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:24

The two of you are going place.

Grimmerie 31

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:36

Yes, one place.

jkrdaw 0

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:34

Is his name Rick Santorum?

bunniex1 11

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:43

why is everyone saying reproduce?!? y can't u say don't have sex and get pregnant?

CoffeeChickBlows 13

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:46

I dunno, why can't you shut the **** up?!?

bootyful86 7

Sunday 25 March 2012 7:47

You can spell retardation. Good job!

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I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 128

You deserved it 1 010

The Top

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 902

You deserved it 5 770

Today, I'm over COVID but have apparently lost my sense of smell and taste. My boyfriend, who thinks he’s a comedian, said at least I can’t complain his farts stink and should have no problem swallowing instead of spitting during blowjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 347

Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 3 830

Today, I overheard my husband admitting that he doesn’t wash his hands after having diarrhea. I had no prior knowledge of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 96

Today, I told my husband that as I wasn't hungry, he had to cook for himself. He rang my Spanish stepmother as a joke to complain that I’m not wifey material. She showed up, whacked me with her Chancla, and browbeat me into cooking. He feels hella guilty, but he’s still a dead man once she leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 266

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 894

You deserved it 16 314

Same thing different taste

Proud dad

Stop! Hammertime!

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