Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor...

By Nails - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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Intimacy

Live from Salt Lake City

The X Factor

NRA fanboy

By raspberrysachere

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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By Maxx - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By LOLOLOLOL - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

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By ooh cat - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

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By Samantha - 19/11/2020 13:08 - United States - Kingsport

Ma'm, we closed 10 minutes ago

Today, I had a woman throw a clipboard and yell at me to then storm off, still yelling in the mall where I work, all because I'd told her it was too late to do a piercing tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Allen

Today, I got my graduation photos back. I'd sent them to a friend for touching up, but unfortunately we had a major argument recently. I guess that's why in the photos I've been photoshopped out and replaced with a goat. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

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By E_G_G_S_O_U_P

Today whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

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By JPPUDLY - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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27141

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By regretsteachinghighschool - United States - Rochester

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

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By Jason - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By The Rock's arse - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I hit rock bottom; I watched one of those shitty infomercial channels, without even being forced into it at gunpoint. Even worse is that I practically creamed myself over a damn fruit juicer, all because it was 50% off and I could actually afford it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia

Itchy and Scratchy

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

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1467

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267

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

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30500

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By TJ - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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15918

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a party. The music changed to a slow dance. Everybody grabbed a partner and I was left on the dancefloor alone. Suddenly, this guy walks up to me. I swore that he was going to ask me to dance. He then says: "Could you hold me my drink?" and goes to dance with another girl. FML

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By blue - United Kingdom - London

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend of a month has a new girlfriend. That girl is my cousin, the same one who's been listening to my tears fall as I've confided my feelings to her for the past few weeks. FML

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31526

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By jessiethebestie - United States

Today, I learned that for the next two months I'll get to train physicians on how to use the computer program that has made my job obsolete. I've known this program was coming for months, but I didn't know it would be taking my job. FML

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13567

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By AshleyP - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

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By CrappyDay - United States

Today, while working at a daycare, I had to change a kid's diaper. This may seem normal for a daycare worker, but not when it's a 7-year-old kid who is still not potty-trained and shat their pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By notmysistersbf - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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29576

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 10:01

Bonjour!

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

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1306

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By dinosawerr - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By sadgirl

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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30359

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

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42514

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By loveyouson - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

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38112

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By clueless - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

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By Anon

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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4973

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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Top comments

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

COMMENTS

By Ugh_Fmylife | 0

#5187 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:00

First!
Yeah..that's messed up.
fyl

VampireKiller59 | 0

#990850 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 16:27

haha thats funny : )

satanic_fml | 13

#1227182 - Thursday 12 August 2010 9:05

its true isnt it?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797085 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:27

Ahahahaahha, I think it's freakin' hilarious. Your parents are EPIC!! xD

tx_beast | 5

#3912155 - Friday 20 January 2012 3:56

I agree... His parents are fucking beasts... I would laugh my ass off.

By DudeAbides | 0

#5194 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:10

stop making fake FMLs!

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

lizamaphone | 6

#1560134 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:44

no it doesn't. you can't catch sti's and other lovely things from masturbating.

GirlyTomBoy | 0

#1657823 - Saturday 6 November 2010 10:46

it's counted as having sexual urges not being sexually active *MEGA FACEPALM*

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914111 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Azurexorcist | 11

#6480426 - Tuesday 8 December 2015 23:39

Don't hate yourself

By link52993 | 0

#5204 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:20

yeah, i agree with, Nope.

By Huzzah | 0

#5212 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:25

ahahhaha

jane_marie | 12

#4448693 - Thursday 17 May 2012 22:51

Please do not comment if you have nothing better than "ahahhaha"

JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6551076 - Thursday 3 March 2016 4:35

Good one

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#5214 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:26

I don't see the problem here, do u really want them to know about your sex life?

paigeatsflesh | 11

#962778 - Thursday 18 March 2010 20:55

ahaha exactlyyy.

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914127 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:43

I'm confused. Is "nope" and "yes" the same person with two sides to everything resulting in split personalities?

By nobody_special | 0

#5219 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

Really? I dunno about this. Doctors always asked my parents to wait outside when asking personal questions like that... or maybe yours are different

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

SeeSea | 11

#4395182 - Saturday 5 May 2012 21:20

that's what I was thinking...always make them wait outside

venomousflower | 24

#6226804 - Monday 9 March 2015 18:51

Maybe he is young?

Paras_800 | 27

#6421985 - Monday 28 September 2015 8:01

Yeah, but even if he was young usually they ask the parents to step outside for those personal types of questions.

By VexVisnu | 0

#5229 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:45

I'm with 6 and 10.

By CanadAssassiN | 0

#5244 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:56

First of all, why'd you say yes right in front of your parents? U should have said "well im not a player like you, dad" (might have made your mom wonder...) roflcopterskates

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914139 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:45

Nice Job googling a default pic.