Intimacy: Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor...

By Nails - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Sick burn

Vicious and unprovoked

By fuckspellcheck - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

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By SoftwareDev - South Africa - Johannesburg

Should've stayed home, basically

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By nurse - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By reb - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML

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By fuck you btichass cuntshit - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By Happy Birthday

Today, my Dad gave me my birthday card. The envelope was blank, as was the card, and the £0.25 price tag was still on. He was fully aware of all these things, but handed it to me and said, "By the way, I didn't write anything." Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

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By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By itsnotyouitsher - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML

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By PapaW - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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By taz

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

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By ADH2000 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By benjavel71 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By theRoomie - United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By madeleine - 8/4/2021 05:00

Gummy

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

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By Married Life 101

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By sleepytime - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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By Ser17 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By poormom - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By missblue97 - United States

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

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By mandy16

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

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By fml9124 - 7/11/2020 17:02

Legalize it!

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my annoying colleague gasped, wrapped her arms around herself, started sweating and curled up in a ball crying, "No, no, no" in front of several customers. They accused me of 'setting her off', when I blurted out, "Sorry, she gets panic attacks". All I did was say the word 'abortion'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By lady parts - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

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Top comments

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

COMMENTS

By Ugh_Fmylife | 0

#5187 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:00

First!
Yeah..that's messed up.
fyl

VampireKiller59 | 0

#990850 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 16:27

haha thats funny : )

satanic_fml | 13

#1227182 - Thursday 12 August 2010 9:05

its true isnt it?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797085 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:27

Ahahahaahha, I think it's freakin' hilarious. Your parents are EPIC!! xD

tx_beast | 5

#3912155 - Friday 20 January 2012 3:56

I agree... His parents are fucking beasts... I would laugh my ass off.

By DudeAbides | 0

#5194 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:10

stop making fake FMLs!

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

lizamaphone | 6

#1560134 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:44

no it doesn't. you can't catch sti's and other lovely things from masturbating.

GirlyTomBoy | 0

#1657823 - Saturday 6 November 2010 10:46

it's counted as having sexual urges not being sexually active *MEGA FACEPALM*

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914111 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Azurexorcist | 11

#6480426 - Tuesday 8 December 2015 23:39

Don't hate yourself

By link52993 | 0

#5204 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:20

yeah, i agree with, Nope.

By Huzzah | 0

#5212 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:25

ahahhaha

jane_marie | 12

#4448693 - Thursday 17 May 2012 22:51

Please do not comment if you have nothing better than "ahahhaha"

JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6551076 - Thursday 3 March 2016 4:35

Good one

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#5214 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:26

I don't see the problem here, do u really want them to know about your sex life?

paigeatsflesh | 11

#962778 - Thursday 18 March 2010 20:55

ahaha exactlyyy.

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914127 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:43

I'm confused. Is "nope" and "yes" the same person with two sides to everything resulting in split personalities?

By nobody_special | 0

#5219 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

Really? I dunno about this. Doctors always asked my parents to wait outside when asking personal questions like that... or maybe yours are different

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

SeeSea | 11

#4395182 - Saturday 5 May 2012 21:20

that's what I was thinking...always make them wait outside

venomousflower | 24

#6226804 - Monday 9 March 2015 18:51

Maybe he is young?

Paras_800 | 27

#6421985 - Monday 28 September 2015 8:01

Yeah, but even if he was young usually they ask the parents to step outside for those personal types of questions.

By VexVisnu | 0

#5229 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:45

I'm with 6 and 10.

By CanadAssassiN | 0

#5244 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:56

First of all, why'd you say yes right in front of your parents? U should have said "well im not a player like you, dad" (might have made your mom wonder...) roflcopterskates

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914139 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:45

Nice Job googling a default pic.