Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor...

By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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Intimacy

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Long story short

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By okaythen - 2/3/2016 23:50 - United States - Arcata

Today, I got written up by HR after my new coworker told them I had an ignorant, offensive caricature of Native American people decorating my desk. It was a framed photograph of an actual Native American tribe that belonged to my history buff grandfather. FML

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By Sparks - 13/3/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

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By ass slap - 11/8/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 23:02

Alexa, play "Noise Annoys" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out my mother only uses two settings for volume on her laptop: maximum volume or completely quiet. She'll play it over whatever other people are doing, and then get mad when they tell her to turn it down. FML

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By theuglyone - 14/11/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/5/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By kellb123 - 18/12/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

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By Gabby125 - 19/9/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

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By RR - 11/7/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to get our eyebrows waxed. I didn't think my eyebrows were that bad--and they weren't! When the guy waxed my eyebrows, he gestured my lips and said, "Moustache, too?" Mortified, I said, "No!" to which he replied, "Aw, someone no get kissy tonight." FML

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By Nekro_Kat - 10/8/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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By embarrassed much - 27/2/2016 03:14 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

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By Allycat - 9/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

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By snottyface - 26/9/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to sneak up my husband while he was playing a computer game. As I was getting behind the chair, he paused the game and sat up straight. I stopped. He turned around and sneezed violently and blew a bunch of snot into my face and eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

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By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 17:34 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

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By Goiter - 17/6/2019 01:00 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I was telling my fiancée about my Hashimoto's symptoms when my MIL to-be said, "You must be drinking too much alcohol. My aunt had a goiter and it only swelled when she drank, usually bourbon or beer." She then walked out of the room, perfectly content with her "diagnosis." FML

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By Jared - 1/1/2009 08:49 - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By please don't get the succ - 29/6/2016 18:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By inappropes - 8/7/2019 14:00

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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By trp007 - 7/4/2014 03:03 - United States - New Castle

Today, after cleaning my house because I'd thrown a party all weekend while my parents were gone, I still got caught because somebody tried to make beer popsicles with Q-Tips in the ice trays in my freezer. FML

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By f-ugly - 25/3/2013 18:36 - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By Charlotte - 25/1/2011 14:10

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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By Grand Slam - 10/9/2013 18:44 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 02:00

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2015 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

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By - 26/1/2017 00:00

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

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By PubelishedAuthor - 15/3/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. FML

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By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

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By DroppedTheSoap - 26/4/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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Top comments

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

Comments

By Ugh_Fmylife | 0

#5187 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:00

First!
Yeah..that's messed up.
fyl

VampireKiller59 | 0

#990850 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 16:27

haha thats funny : )

satanic_fml | 13

#1227182 - Thursday 12 August 2010 9:05

its true isnt it?

Fall3nAngel | 22

#1797085 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:27

Ahahahaahha, I think it's freakin' hilarious. Your parents are EPIC!! xD

tx_beast | 5

#3912155 - Friday 20 January 2012 3:56

I agree... His parents are fucking beasts... I would laugh my ass off.

By DudeAbides | 0

#5194 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:10

stop making fake FMLs!

By AliSama | 17

#5198 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

lizamaphone | 6

#1560134 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:44

no it doesn't. you can't catch sti's and other lovely things from masturbating.

GirlyTomBoy | 0

#1657823 - Saturday 6 November 2010 10:46

it's counted as having sexual urges not being sexually active *MEGA FACEPALM*

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914111 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Azurexorcist | 11

#6480426 - Tuesday 8 December 2015 23:39

Don't hate yourself

By link52993 | 0

#5204 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:20

yeah, i agree with, Nope.

By Huzzah | 0

#5212 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:25

ahahhaha

jane_marie | 12

#4448693 - Thursday 17 May 2012 22:51

Please do not comment if you have nothing better than "ahahhaha"

JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6551076 - Thursday 3 March 2016 4:35

Good one

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#5214 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:26

I don't see the problem here, do u really want them to know about your sex life?

paigeatsflesh | 11

#962778 - Thursday 18 March 2010 20:55

ahaha exactlyyy.

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914127 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:43

I'm confused. Is "nope" and "yes" the same person with two sides to everything resulting in split personalities?

By nobody_special | 0

#5219 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

Really? I dunno about this. Doctors always asked my parents to wait outside when asking personal questions like that... or maybe yours are different

By RuSerious81 | 2

#5221 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

SeeSea | 11

#4395182 - Saturday 5 May 2012 21:20

that's what I was thinking...always make them wait outside

venomousflower | 24

#6226804 - Monday 9 March 2015 18:51

Maybe he is young?

Paras_800 | 27

#6421985 - Monday 28 September 2015 8:01

Yeah, but even if he was young usually they ask the parents to step outside for those personal types of questions.

By VexVisnu | 0

#5229 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:45

I'm with 6 and 10.

By CanadAssassiN | 0

#5244 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:56

First of all, why'd you say yes right in front of your parents? U should have said "well im not a player like you, dad" (might have made your mom wonder...) roflcopterskates

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3914139 - Friday 20 January 2012 14:45

Nice Job googling a default pic.