Intimacy: Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor... - FML

By Nails - 22/02/2009 03:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 988

You deserved it 7 193

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

"Life is unfair…"

Squatters' rights

By Sam - 18/01/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 313

You deserved it 2 993

By mdg - 04/12/2012 17:16 - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 866

You deserved it 30 707

No kink-shaming

By Cybertronianchic - 05/09/2020 09:58 - United Kindom - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, I realised I'm so much more sexually attracted to Transformers than anyone I've ever met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 998

You deserved it 553

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 460

You deserved it 64 203

Right place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 22/01/2009 16:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 179

You deserved it 29 645

Gentrification strikes!

By Anonymous - 05/03/2020 06:01

Spicy

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 220

Oh, hi!

By Embarrassed - 07/08/2012 07:48 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 738

You deserved it 35 178

OK Shaggy

By familydisaster - 05/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 499

You deserved it 2 502

By Busted - 21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 021

You deserved it 4 238

Toxic workplace

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 01:00 - United States - Cabot

Today, I quit my job because I wasn't given the time or space to pump for my newborn child. I went back to work 4 weeks postpartum, and they suggested I pump in the bathroom, my car or the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 184

By Blonde - 11/03/2015 03:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 038

You deserved it 6 396

By Lonely Gay - 22/02/2012 09:37 - United States

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 422

You deserved it 5 359

By Joboi23 - 07/03/2018 19:00

Today, I matched with a woman on Tinder with whom I'd already talked on another dating app. The conversation had died out pretty quickly, so I was surprised she gave me a second chance. Her first message was to tell me how boring I was on the other app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 995

You deserved it 744

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 20:19 - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 653

You deserved it 2 207

By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Spicy

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 4 068

What did I do?

By Ryan McArdle - 25/01/2021 10:58

Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 92

The results are in

By PuzzleMommieCubed - 04/03/2021 21:30

Today, I went to get Covid test because I had chest pain and shortness of breath. Turns out, I just have depression and anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 106

By notacashier - 03/07/2014 12:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 577

You deserved it 28 401

By anonymous - 11/11/2018 13:30

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 808

You deserved it 235

Dirty girl

By Alyssa - 28/08/2019 04:00 - United States - Macon

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 220

Romance in Appalachia

By HereWeGoAgain - 22/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 073

You deserved it 297

By Anonymous - 19/05/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 022

You deserved it 7 758

By Confused lesbian - 16/07/2018 13:30 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 398

You deserved it 281

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 377

You deserved it 1 452

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 474

You deserved it 12 305

By Anonymous - 05/06/2019 14:06

Spicy

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 401

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 21:12 - United States - Rockville

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 663

You deserved it 2 769

By Anonymous - 25/03/2014 03:29 - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 181

You deserved it 3 659

Venus in Furs

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 129

By holla1787 - 04/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 464

You deserved it 2 803

By DuhSteven - 06/06/2012 17:04 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had my first ever shift at the zoo. My job is to explain the characteristics and habits of various animals to the visitors. A five-year-old outsmarted me while I was talking about lions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 454

You deserved it 26 496

By pantsareathing - 13/06/2015 17:10 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 418

You deserved it 2 441

Monday morning blues

By desperate905 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 380

You deserved it 28 806

By lindaf - 02/06/2018 20:30

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 063

You deserved it 421

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 15:18 - United States - Milford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 086

You deserved it 2 415

By Anonymous - 01/08/2012 05:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 434

You deserved it 4 062

By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 621

You deserved it 30 264

Work name

By Van - 09/11/2019 05:00

Spicy

Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 711

You deserved it 439

By 6xrv - 08/04/2017 14:00

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 408

You deserved it 509

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 187

You deserved it 4 090

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:00

First! Yeah..that's messed up. fyl

VampireKiller59 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 11 May 2010 16:27

haha thats funny : )

Send a private message

Thursday 12 August 2010 9:05

its true isnt it?

Send a private message

Sunday 5 December 2010 13:27

Ahahahaahha, I think it's freakin' hilarious. Your parents are EPIC!! xD

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 3:56

I agree... His parents are fucking beasts... I would laugh my ass off.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:10

stop making fake FMLs!

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:13

actually masturbation does count as sexual activity from a medical point of view.

Send a private message

Sunday 17 October 2010 9:44

no it doesn't. you can't catch sti's and other lovely things from masturbating.

Send a private message

Saturday 6 November 2010 10:46

it's counted as having sexual urges not being sexually active *MEGA FACEPALM*

BlackCloudedSldr 5

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 14:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Azurexorcist 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 8 December 2015 23:39

Don't hate yourself

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:20

yeah, i agree with, Nope.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:25

ahahhaha

Send a private message

Thursday 17 May 2012 22:51

Please do not comment if you have nothing better than "ahahhaha"

JpTheGreat23 19

Send a private message

Thursday 3 March 2016 4:35

Good one

sunshyne84_fml 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:26

I don't see the problem here, do u really want them to know about your sex life?

paigeatsflesh 11

Send a private message

Thursday 18 March 2010 20:55

ahaha exactlyyy.

BlackCloudedSldr 5

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 14:43

I'm confused. Is "nope" and "yes" the same person with two sides to everything resulting in split personalities?

nobody_special 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

Really? I dunno about this. Doctors always asked my parents to wait outside when asking personal questions like that... or maybe yours are different

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:34

Wait...why did your parents go in with you to see a doctor?

SeeSea 11

Send a private message

Saturday 5 May 2012 21:20

that's what I was thinking...always make them wait outside

venomousflower 24

Send a private message

Monday 9 March 2015 18:51

Maybe he is young?

Send a private message

Monday 28 September 2015 8:01

Yeah, but even if he was young usually they ask the parents to step outside for those personal types of questions.

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:45

I'm with 6 and 10.

CanadAssassiN 0

Send a private message

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:56

First of all, why'd you say yes right in front of your parents? U should have said "well im not a player like you, dad" (might have made your mom wonder...) roflcopterskates

BlackCloudedSldr 5

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 14:45

Nice Job googling a default pic.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 131

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 298