Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was...

By Kourou - France

Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Age ain't nothing but a number

Zoom this, bitches!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

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By Gottabekidding - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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By - 2/1/2020 18:00

Hard to believe

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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4066

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By Pithegreat - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

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22537

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2018

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

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By cheap - France - Toulouse

Today, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. On my cake stood last year's "21" candle, to which had been added a single candle. Clearly, times are tough. FML

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43928

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By WellOops

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

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1605

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

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By mushroomless - United States - Thayne

Today, I got yelled at in a grocery store by a customer who recognized me from the pizza place where I work. Apparently, I forgot mushrooms on her pizza earlier this afternoon. I had the day off, but thanks for the verbal lashing, lady. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

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By militiousroflcopter - United States

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

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By boardman - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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69265

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

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10567

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By atleasthelocalsarenice

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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5304

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By rrefaat - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML

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1652

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121

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By FastTurtle9 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

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11585

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

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40564

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By dan - Reserved

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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10752

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

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By anonymous - Norway

Today, I saw my crush walking on the other side of the street. She hadn't noticed me, so when she did I nonchalantly looked over and casually waved to look cool. I then walked right into a lamp post. FML

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By kaileekat517 - United States

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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88644

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By ug - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

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53631

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By "willkftw"

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

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1850

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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42902

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By FUSheldon - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

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23761

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By awkward23 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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12947

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By BoobiePain - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

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39710

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had an admissions interview at my dream college. I spent hours practicing questions and picking the perfect outfit. It was not until after the interview that I realized I'd scratched a pimple while waiting, and my forehead had been smeared with blood the entire time. FML

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32452

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By Moe - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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29281

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

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36615

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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31743

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By Disappointed - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

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14084

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By BroadwayBaby1997 - United States - Mission

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

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By NotChadKrouger

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

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Top comments

By batch56 | 0

#36107 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:08

that's so cute.

By pu13 | 5

#984000 - Friday 23 April 2010 7:48

awwww your right old people looking at porn is so cute( sarcasm )

COMMENTS

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30885 - Saturday 14 March 2009 4:43

lol

By Root123 | 0

#34115 - Monday 16 March 2009 5:41

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zamax | 0

#814178 - Monday 1 February 2010 2:17

And you know this how? lol :)

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1221304 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:40

4 seriously WTF! hahaha

danishbagel | 3

#2698686 - Friday 17 June 2011 4:26

And I love how your profile account says you were born in 1989...

By batch56 | 0

#36107 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:08

that's so cute.

pu13 | 5

#984000 - Friday 23 April 2010 7:48

awwww your right old people looking at porn is so cute( sarcasm )

By Lubinduba | 0

#38724 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 0:42

lmaoo

By nafiul93 | 0

#40613 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 19:36

Aaaaaaahh lmaooooo that is too funny

By BurnBabyyBurn | 0

#40717 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 20:15

lmao, "thats so cute"
actually, true that :D

By notfromearth7 | 0

#51599 - Monday 23 March 2009 3:07

I loled because I could totally see my grandfather doing this.

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#74389 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 8:02

haha, good ol' grandpa.

By happykid | 0

#81329 - Saturday 4 April 2009 6:54

aw. probably wishing he was still hot n' ready

By usernamegoeshere | 0

#106495 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:53

lawl grandpa needs to have the good old days back