Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage,...

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 09:14 - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Don't give up

Rich people problems

By Taraa3 - 10/10/2009 10:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

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By mafille - 19/3/2015 03:22 - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

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By sober judge - 3/10/2013 03:46 - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

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By angrymadman3542342 - 12/11/2009 06:58 - Canada

Today, I started talking to a friend about how he needs to stop overreacting and getting angry very easily. He kicked sand up in the air, and it came back into his eyes. He started getting angry, and when I told him this is what I was talking about, he hit me in the nose. FML

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By Fmyoffice - 27/11/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By mark - 11/1/2009 02:11 - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:21 - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By Username - 4/8/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 09:26 - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

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By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2016 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By Chin... uh.... - 10/5/2016 22:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

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By novaguy - 24/2/2015 16:15 - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 05:54 - United States

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By coffeeshopgirl - 8/5/2012 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 06:29 - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

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By abbiexo97 - 9/5/2019 14:00

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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By BadBoyfriend - 3/6/2013 04:31 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

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By gymgirl - 5/5/2011 13:47 - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By Brandon - 4/8/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2015 05:56 - United States - Sacramento

Today, a teenage girl with a selfie stick came into my workplace. She knocked down multiple displays while trying to take pictures, before leaving without making a purchase. I had to clean it all up. FML

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By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By LinaLinaYeah - 9/12/2011 16:26 - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 20:56 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

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By scribbler8 - 14/10/2011 09:35 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

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By Stormy - 18/6/2011 21:49 - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By anonymous - 18/6/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Bunch of Freeloaders...

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

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By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Squeezebox - 30/8/2017 08:00 - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By mpetitto - 15/8/2016 00:44 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By Backed up - 21/11/2019 08:00 - United States

I need a suppository

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language: "I need a suppository." FML

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By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By heatherfeather22 - 31/7/2014 03:28 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom

Not funny anymore

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

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Top comments

By babbling27 | 0

#67694 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:09

What does your age have to do with it?

By ryan__h | 1

#67683 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

i feel sorry for people who get called a man when they are a woman and vise versa

COMMENTS

By hiyo | 0

#67638 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:01

Ouch

Lawzen_Rainbow | 7

#807050 - Friday 29 January 2010 12:31

I feel so bad for u. my hair fell out and when it was growing back it was patchy and very short. I always got called a guy or asked if I was a guy. it hurts :(

By keilz | 0

#67664 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

shouldn't be on stage dancing then...i'm sorry that was mean

blahbbb | 0

#1684013 - Thursday 11 November 2010 20:48

yes. yes it was you a jerk- if you know it was rude and assholeish then y'd you say it.

rachbat00 | 0

#4356623 - Thursday 26 April 2012 4:21

Jerk

By jessywoo | 0

#67675 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:06

ouch... i gotta say,. unless you have really short hair or dance like a guy.. i dont believe this.

By ryan__h | 1

#67683 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

i feel sorry for people who get called a man when they are a woman and vise versa

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#67688 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:08

then start dressing like a girl

By babbling27 | 0

#67694 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:09

What does your age have to do with it?

NeatNit | 32

#1001649 - Saturday 22 May 2010 1:39

That's exactly what I wanted to say. Why the hell did you mention your age?

YDI just for that :P

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1109158 - Monday 19 July 2010 13:38

Oh no.. maybe if OP was 24 it wouldn't have mattered? :P
That is pretty random. Your age is irrelevent.

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6249362 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 7:52

She's emphasizing the fact that she is fully mature and has noticeable breasts.

UserError94 | 18

#6432862 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:20

*should have noticeable breasts lol

By ifoundnemo1018 | 0

#67696 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:10

gah you must be ugly as hell

alkemist | 0

#986574 - Thursday 29 April 2010 21:32

hahahaha

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6015860 - Wednesday 23 July 2014 3:04

not necessarily I have friend whose really pretty and still gets mistaken for guy, she gets all sorts of comments like
"Wow you're really pretty for a boy"

By zbots | 0

#67704 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

short hair doesn't look good on most young women. I'm going to make that assumption.

By Amkii | 0

#67707 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

Haha ouch.

By ClevelandRock | 0

#67740 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:18

If I were you, I would have flashed the guard my tits and pretended the whole thing never happened.