Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage,...

By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

F*** my overweight life

Added flavor

By Guitar-ZERO - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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54297

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By animalover - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog that ran in front of my car. The dog was fine but I hit a road sign, ripped off my rearview mirror, and cracked my passenger side window. When I got out to examine the damage to my car, the dog growled at me. FML

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46717

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By FMLimsomad - United States

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

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9551

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bicurious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML

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58719

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By Sarahfizzeller - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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34547

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By dadadoo - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

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33762

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By duped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML

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16169

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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4568

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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48649

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By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

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56575

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By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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35123

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By fat_thighs - United States

Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

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61270

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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39474

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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49568

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By Omega

Today, I was sitting outside while my dad was mowing the lawn. He ran over a hornet's nest with several now-angry hornets. He escaped unscathed. I didn't. FML

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13700

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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47436

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By djshahso - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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7640

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By Anonymous

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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1091

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By meh

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

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9264

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703

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By fmlprobot - United States

Today, my baseball team had a game and one of our best players was injured sliding into first. I'm pretty fast so when the coach called my name I grabbed a helmet assuming it was finally my chance to get in the game. Turns out he just wanted me to get ice. The entire team couldn't stop laughing. FML

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46181

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By Snurkles McGee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

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40401

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By Alex - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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7909

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been on the verge of throwing up all day. Why? My dog is intolerant to grain, but grain-free dog food causes heart problems so she can't have that. Now our lives are filled with nasty farts and Hershey squirts with no end in sight. It's a rough time for us both. FML

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1315

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

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634

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By Theresa - 26/10/2020 13:55

Sounds like a catch

Today, my ex called and said he still loved me. I said I’d move across the country to be with him. Then he said we could live in his dad’s house, so I can protect him from his sister’s best friend, who gave him chlamydia. At the end of call, he said he’s seeing someone and he likes her because she buys him gifts and food. FML

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900

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328

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By jailbirdlove - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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42555

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By Selina - United States - Trenton

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

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49675

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

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12015

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By What did I do wrong? - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

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2808

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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20872

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By Crying

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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4678

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351

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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49438

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By Username

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

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36986

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By Anonymous - United States - Gardnerville

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

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30884

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1838

You deserved it

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By VelocityMary - United States

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

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51142

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By ifyouseekmylife - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

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32478

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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23698

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1858

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By kiki - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

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13350

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By AmPatt - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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Top comments

By babbling27 | 0

#67694 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:09

What does your age have to do with it?

By ryan__h | 1

#67683 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

i feel sorry for people who get called a man when they are a woman and vise versa

COMMENTS

By hiyo | 0

#67638 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:01

Ouch

Lawzen_Rainbow | 7

#807050 - Friday 29 January 2010 12:31

I feel so bad for u. my hair fell out and when it was growing back it was patchy and very short. I always got called a guy or asked if I was a guy. it hurts :(

By keilz | 0

#67664 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

shouldn't be on stage dancing then...i'm sorry that was mean

blahbbb | 0

#1684013 - Thursday 11 November 2010 20:48

yes. yes it was you a jerk- if you know it was rude and assholeish then y'd you say it.

rachbat00 | 0

#4356623 - Thursday 26 April 2012 4:21

Jerk

By jessywoo | 0

#67675 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:06

ouch... i gotta say,. unless you have really short hair or dance like a guy.. i dont believe this.

By ryan__h | 1

#67683 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

i feel sorry for people who get called a man when they are a woman and vise versa

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#67688 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:08

then start dressing like a girl

By babbling27 | 0

#67694 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:09

What does your age have to do with it?

NeatNit | 32

#1001649 - Saturday 22 May 2010 1:39

That's exactly what I wanted to say. Why the hell did you mention your age?

YDI just for that :P

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1109158 - Monday 19 July 2010 13:38

Oh no.. maybe if OP was 24 it wouldn't have mattered? :P
That is pretty random. Your age is irrelevent.

WaltzingPhanthom | 23

#6249362 - Wednesday 1 April 2015 7:52

She's emphasizing the fact that she is fully mature and has noticeable breasts.

UserError94 | 18

#6432862 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:20

*should have noticeable breasts lol

By ifoundnemo1018 | 0

#67696 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:10

gah you must be ugly as hell

alkemist | 0

#986574 - Thursday 29 April 2010 21:32

hahahaha

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6015860 - Wednesday 23 July 2014 3:04

not necessarily I have friend whose really pretty and still gets mistaken for guy, she gets all sorts of comments like
"Wow you're really pretty for a boy"

By zbots | 0

#67704 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

short hair doesn't look good on most young women. I'm going to make that assumption.

By Amkii | 0

#67707 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

Haha ouch.

By ClevelandRock | 0

#67740 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:18

If I were you, I would have flashed the guard my tits and pretended the whole thing never happened.