By reader - 4/12/2020 14:03

Passing

Today, I went to go to an aerobics class. Shen the instructor walked in, she went up to me and told me it was a women only class. I am a woman. FML

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Taking stock

Child labor

Just a prank, bro!

By captainlame - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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By Talkingbeforethinking

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By ART - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By soawkward - Canada

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

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By Andrew - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By Bryce

Very fishy

Today, my dad and I went fishing. We both got a bite, but when we went to reel it in, both our hooks were in the catfish's mouth. He pushed me in the mud and took my hook out its mouth so he could say he caught it. FML

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By anon

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

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By panickygrl - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

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By Alison - United States

Today, I found out I've miserably failed a college exam. My friend had agreed to pass me answers if I needed them, since I've hardly studied this year. We were on the phone when she said, "Oh, those answers were bullshit. Serves you right, huh?" FML

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By tnt007 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By okaythen - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By - 5/12/2020 12:28 - Canada - Holyrood

Sticky situation

Today, all was going fine until I had a tickle in my throat, which turned into a coughing fit. Only to cough for the last time and shart my pants. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By anerdmom

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By LittleFriend

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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By amiadori - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was eating jell-o and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By BadLuck - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to the doctor to see why my walking pneumonia wasn't getting any better. It had. I've just somehow managed to also contract mono... while sitting home, alone. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

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By jacey chreyest - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

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By Lockie - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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By rosesareyellow - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

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By other woman - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7955985 - Friday 4 December 2020 17:00

sounds like that aerobic instructor is very shallow should have said hey bitch I am a woman

By RichardPencil | 30

#7955978 - Friday 4 December 2020 16:01

You need to find that Elvis busboy. He seems pretty hard up.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7955978 - Friday 4 December 2020 16:01

You need to find that Elvis busboy. He seems pretty hard up.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7955985 - Friday 4 December 2020 17:00

sounds like that aerobic instructor is very shallow should have said hey bitch I am a woman

lev | 11

#7956161 - Saturday 5 December 2020 17:07

or: "did you just assume my gender?"

coius | 23

#7956176 - Saturday 5 December 2020 18:27

Should have said she was a tri-gender pyrofox and she finds it insulting when people refer to her as a cis-gendered homosapian

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7957015 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 19:23

Gendered classes like this are inherently sexist, so it doesn't surprise me that the instructor has this kind of attitude.