Miscellaneous: Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The smell detective is on the case

Boundaries

By Jared - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By Kris - China

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

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By fack - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

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By Fish

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 20:01

Sore

Today, a few hours after me and my husband had sex, he mumbled "This is why I hate sex," as he left to grab some Tylenol. Apparently, he's so out of shape that basic sex made his muscles too sore to sleep. This is the first time in 2 weeks we've had sex. I'm always the one that has to ask for it. FML

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By ambulancedriver - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By ming

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By purpletrout - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By mnote - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By yeasty - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

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By Jackie - United States

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

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By Veryfunny - Australia

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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By mehdi

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

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By Blondie - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By Katie - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

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By a

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

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By Kaz - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

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By NYeeerrr

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By madmomma - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By lanbon182 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By higagram - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By fml...really - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

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By YAABOIII - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

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By SeeBrendenBurn - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

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By mannnnn

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By Churizmo - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

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By unlovedfatty - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By User - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

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By Aiaiii - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By Chris75 - United States

Today, my whole family piled into our station wagon just to watch my mom take part in an arm wrestling contest. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5203234 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:55

I've never heard testicles called "ladies" before, but yup, you definitely harassed them.

By MrClean17 | 15

#5203215 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:52

Every man can relate to the pain of sitting on one's own balls

COMMENTS

By MrClean17 | 15

#5203215 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:52

Every man can relate to the pain of sitting on one's own balls

Reply

perdix | 29

#5203432 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:23

No, not me. Me and my balls have been through a lot together, but I've never sat on them.

They did get pretty mad at me for going horseback riding in gym shorts.

Reply

connormadden | 5

#5203477 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:34

22- I was a horseback rider for most of my life. Some bad experiences there. Mostly from jumping

Reply

RoperGirl203 | 9

#5203492 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:41

Lol that sucks. Even as girls jumping (and bareback) can be quite painful. >_

Reply

perdix | 29

#5203777 - Saturday 1 December 2012 9:35

#22, to be clear, I hadn't planned on going horseback riding in gym shorts, the opportunity to ride just popped up all of a sudden.

It was a sperm of the moment decision.

Reply

Meettitan | 14

#5203793 - Saturday 1 December 2012 9:48

"Through no fault of my own..." - someone else sat on your balls for you?

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5203879 - Saturday 1 December 2012 11:38

My balls don't sag that much that I've ever sat on them. So far I can't relate and I'd love for it to stay that way. It'd probably be horribly painful.

Reply

xcountrygirlx | 8

#5204327 - Saturday 1 December 2012 16:06

@30, especially when the horse has high withers. that's the worst!

Reply

mfischer | 17

#5204651 - Saturday 1 December 2012 20:02

*sigh* Well I certainly feel your pain, bro.

Reply

winkydog4056 | 16

#5205064 - Sunday 2 December 2012 0:38

#63_I'm soooo happy to see your comment! I immediately thought of you when I read this FML. Is this poster your twin brother or related to you?

Reply

winkydog4056 | 16

#5205882 - Sunday 2 December 2012 5:52

#1_What if a woman sat on your balls?

Reply

8313girl | 28

#5766110 - Sunday 24 November 2013 3:53

I think OP is an older man hitting on young girls. I've never heard of any young guy sitting on his balls but my dad has told me he's done it a few times.

By Welshite | 39

#5203234 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:55

I've never heard testicles called "ladies" before, but yup, you definitely harassed them.

Reply

pattheaninal | 9

#5207737 - Sunday 2 December 2012 21:33

What a ball-sy move.

By Glitterhinoceros | 14

#5203241 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:56

You must be quite the ladies man..

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5203727 - Saturday 1 December 2012 8:27

I'm sorry for creeping but WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SIDNEY CROSBY?!

Reply

Lucky1990 | 1

#5203755 - Saturday 1 December 2012 9:04

You've got the weirdest profile descriptiom I've ever seen.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5203786 - Saturday 1 December 2012 9:41

I think 3's profile is quite entertaining! Strange in the best possible way lol

Reply

skittles_fairy07 | 4

#5204442 - Saturday 1 December 2012 17:41

3 sounds like the type of person I'd be best friends with. :3

Reply

garrett8614 | 2

#5204680 - Saturday 1 December 2012 20:34

3- lol your description is amazing. Will you marry me?

Reply

winkydog4056 | 16

#5205888 - Sunday 2 December 2012 5:54

#37_Da fuq does hockey do here?

Reply

TopBanana20 | 11

#5206007 - Sunday 2 December 2012 7:14

Umm I am scared for Crosby's life. FHL!

By looloothing | 9

#5203256 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:57

Your poor boys.

By Idiotsspoutcrap | 6

#5203261 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:58

Maybe you should ice your ladies and take a breck from clubbing

Reply

FML_Whale | 18

#5203286 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:59

What exactly is a breck?

Reply

Charger_SRT8 | 0

#5203550 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:53

Yes but since nobody cares about England, we can safely say it was a typo.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5203791 - Saturday 1 December 2012 9:43

It's how you type break with a Scottish accent...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5203862 - Saturday 1 December 2012 11:12

Breck = brain wreck... Like when you use the word breck.

By verkaderk | 9

#5203271 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:59

There is no greater pain than sitting on ones testicles.

Reply

bestnameright | 14

#5204306 - Saturday 1 December 2012 15:32

You could get castrated... Just sayin'.

Reply

bestnameright | 14

#5204307 - Saturday 1 December 2012 15:32

My comment got posted twice for done reason, I apologize!

By simoncat | 11

#5203273 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:59

Nope. Sorry. Totally your own fault.

Reply

Rosie_Posie43 | 12

#5203351 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:08

What is he gonna do? Shift his balls away from the stool?

Reply

cnator | 12

#5203429 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:23

Well they were between him and the seat, so shifting them away sounds like a smart thing to do.

By FizzyApple | 3

#5203282 - Saturday 1 December 2012 5:59

How does sitting on your own balls count as harassing ladies?

Reply

obnum | 19

#5203296 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:00

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Maybe he just started swearing a lot? It's weird.

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#5203318 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:02

Holy Shit we typed the same thing at the same time LOL

Reply

FizzyApple | 3

#5203324 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:03

It's probably the first thought that comes to mind with most people!

Reply

Branflakes78 | 13

#5203636 - Saturday 1 December 2012 7:30

or screech like a girl!

By DarkHelmet | 10

#5203294 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:00

How does sitting on your balls translate into harassing women??

Reply

Vintage_Cola | 29

#5959641 - Thursday 29 May 2014 15:16

Maybe the "ladies" in question aren't the ones he was after...

By Idiotsspoutcrap | 6

#5203346 - Saturday 1 December 2012 6:06

*break* sorry

Reply

BulldogHoops | 14

#5203751 - Saturday 1 December 2012 8:57

Your username goes awkwardly well with your comment.