Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see... - FML

By toastedguy - 1/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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Noise

True hero

Basic Instinct

By DC - 11/10/2016 13:41 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By Shawty - 3/11/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

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By apparentlyhesbusy - 23/11/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

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By Manu - 14/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By worthless - 10/11/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - 19/3/2009 23:31 - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By shitberries - 25/12/2015 16:00 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

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By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By FirstKiss - 13/7/2009 15:00 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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By 12345678 - 31/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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By Potted - 16/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Denton

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

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By N - 8/2/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

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By Ksweety_fml - 1/8/2019 02:00

Today, somebody in a store was talking about a girl who had a snake, and while I was walking out the store, an old lady asked me if I was the girl with the snake. I said no, to which she replied, "Oh, because you look like someone who would." FML

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By BlackCheetah101 - 4/11/2009 06:51 - Australia

Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend "You're kidding, right?" FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Amb - 1/6/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By emilyxoxoxo - 21/3/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

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By KarateKid76 - 5/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

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By ChrissySoltys - 2/5/2011 06:39 - Canada

Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 23:36 - United States - San Antonio

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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By Mark - 6/1/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By rhcpgurl - 23/7/2015 15:07 - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

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By "ZeroG57" - 4/5/2017 14:00

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By northernlass - 20/9/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2015 14:19

Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation at a restaurant for him and a younger woman he's been seeing. Meanwhile, I haven't had anything even approaching a real date in over a decade. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

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By phoenix101 - 16/5/2011 05:40

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

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By tsukinoie - 2/2/2014 06:33 - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2013 04:59 - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 20:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

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By ihavepinkbackpac - 28/2/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By Display - 27/9/2012 04:10 - France - Paris

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

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By steven - 28/6/2009 15:53 - Cayman Islands

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out her second story bedroom window taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned 'My baby's first kiss!' FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 23:00 - United States - Marlton

Not now

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

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Top comments

By Rellich | 0

#698233 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:33

I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...

By smiller0789 | 3

#698230 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:31

Fucked...up

COMMENTS

By smiller0789 | 3

#698230 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:31

Fucked...up

Reply

purplekites | 0

#698548 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 17:41

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Draq | 1

#698550 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 17:44

At least getting your beard set on fire is exciting.

Reply

k43L1 | 0

#698982 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 22:33

#1 said it all. this is so messed up, I don't know how it could even happen.

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#699392 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 2:36

#50 you clearly meant on...Im not the type to troll on grammer but...

fucking Twilight fans

Reply

ohmygoodnex | 0

#699522 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 4:09

#50 is a fucking failure.

Reply

go_fuck_yourself | 0

#699642 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 5:17

#1 THerEs A REaSon FOr WHy THis SIte Is cALlEd FMl?
And Thts Wht yU GEt FOr Nt LiKEing NEw Moon

Reply

No_Heart | 0

#699740 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 6:40

I can't tell if 121 is pretending to be or if she really is retarded.

Reply

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#699789 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 7:46

@110: At least spell "grammar" correctly if you're going to be critical of someone else's grammar.

Reply

dawny1090 | 0

#703868 - Friday 4 December 2009 9:25

That's what happens when you get around fucking crazy ass Twilight fans

Reply

sharon_ellj | 0

#740200 - Monday 28 December 2010 6:41

#121 Freaking retard! Only dumb freshmans type like that. It gets so annoying and it IS NOT COOL!

Reply

Eric123456789000 | 0

#1291169 - Monday 23 August 2010 19:46

I hate you and anyone else who types like you. go die.

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#3455035 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 8:34

LOL you troll you, you said "grammer" were you trying to make a point? Because they're suffering enough being Twatlight fans...

By Rellich | 0

#698233 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:33

I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...

By munim | 0

#698235 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:34

wait what? your date burnt your beard?

By InstraClassic | 0

#698237 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:35

What the fuuuuck?

By cuteguyoO | 0

#698239 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:36

Edward - 1
You - 0

Reply

SexyAnonOnTumblr | 12

#6334239 - Sunday 28 June 2015 6:13

yes ?

By FireFlie07 | 20

#698244 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:41

You didn't leave the theatre after some crazy bitch set your beard on fire?!?!?! YDI

Reply

catatonicsleep | 17

#698270 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:54

i think he meant that she burned his beard after the movie

By farflungfloyd | 0

#698246 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:42

Oh my god. I'm so confused.

By crazyarsedfly | 14

#698247 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:42

I reallly hope that the burning incident happened AFTER the movie, otherwise why the hell did you not leave?!

But seriously.. thats messed up.. she needs help.

By LEPOfficer | 0

#698249 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:43

Can you just imagine being an onlooker to this FML? Suddenly a big burly man with a flaming lumberjack beard runs by flailing his arms and screaming. Of course I'm estimating the size of the man, beard, and reaction, but it'd make the story all the more exciting.

Reply

GodOfBeer | 5

#698262 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:50

followed by a short thin emo girl, dressed in pink, with a mad look in her eyes loool

Reply

DoomJeff91 | 2

#698443 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 16:20

And Morgan Freeman narrating the whole thing.

Reply

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#698463 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 16:29

...Jager.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#698918 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 22:07

like a Twinkie...like a Twinkie...

Reply

yousodi | 8

#3237528 - Monday 5 September 2011 4:55

Loooool

By Peroxide | 3

#698260 - Tuesday 1 December 2009 12:49

Setting your beard on fire-thats a deal breaker right there

Although this does give me an idea. I grew a mo for movember. Perhaps burning it off will be more fun than shaving. I'll let you know how the third degree burns go.