Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML
Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML
Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. As I started putting my arm around her, I hit her in the face. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Rellich 0
I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...
smiller0789 3
******...up
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (195)
DumbStruck79 0
I had to read this 3 times and still don't get it completly...
GodOfBeer 5
#12 you really must be Dumb...struck
MiniatureMayhem 0
I really hope you slapped that bitch for making you watch New Moon. And you know, the beard on fire thing.
igotabigego 0
new moon isnt terrible n why would she steal ur hat, whats so great about ur hat?
ELLIE37713 0
I smell at Twilight fanatic. Run. Sweet Jesus, run.
peacelovepugs 7
I LOVE twilight
Link5794 18
Never ridicule a man's hat.
xoxo_123_haha 0
omg serves ya right for saying bad actors!! lol no kiddin dreadful date though :S fell sorry 4 ya still in future pls respect twilight actors :D
giggles26469 0
they arent real actors? What are they? fake actors?
Starfire22 5
You do realize that vampires are not real? They're fiction and if someone wanted vampires to shit out carebears, a writer can do that. Granted, traditionally, vampires can't be in the sunlight, but s. Meyers vampires... Sparkle in the sun... I know, I think it sounds gay too, but you can't say that They aren't vampires. In the twilight universe, vampires sparkle, in Other series they are from Atlantis And were made through nano technology and need to drink human blood because there bodies are in a constant state of repair... Yeah I read too much...
Tequilamockngbrd 7
They're real actors. They might not be GOOD actors, but they are real. Anyone who is saying lines in front of a camera and making millions from it is a real actor. Realize that authors have their own "brand" of vampires, like Starfire said. If vampires really existed and Meyer decided to deviate from what the really were, then yeah, you'd have a credible statement on your hands. Since they're not real, though, people can do whatever they want with them.
grv_fml 4
those are not vampires they are called wimpires blade would have soo much fun :)
gaffelfrosk 0
That's what you get for having a beard AND wearing a hat. Your date was probably just trying to stop you from humiliating yourself.
Gonza 0
^ What he said.
Rayn4u_fml 0
That’s the last time she’ll try doing him a favour obviously…
marc_with_a_c 3
Fake/10? Seriously.. ok I can understand the hat stealing, cellphone stealing to get back at her.. but burning you over that? AND you staying in the theater to watch the movie instead of leaving after it happened? yeah... either fake, or you're an unlucky moron
saunder 0
haha a hat AND a beard, are you a movie director or an aging skater?
MoonyIce 0
And THAT'S why you don't date people who like Twilight.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
She isn't psycho because she likes Twilight. She's psycho because she's psycho. Why'd she steal his hat anyway ffs? Immature much? She gives all Twilight fans a bad name.
BurpusMe 0
She sounds spicy - did you tap that ass?
mthurston 14
Kinda wondering that myself