Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML
Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML
Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. As I started putting my arm around her, I hit her in the face. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Rellich 0
I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...
smiller0789 3
******...up
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (195)
ithatguy 0
OP here, 1. It was AFTER the movie. 2. it was more of a gotee, def not a full beard. 3. It's frigging COLD outside so I put my beanie on, she stole it to flirt so I stole he phone when she sat it down. 4. She DID apologize after saying it was an accident. 5. And guilt card may or may not be played at a later time. 6. Megan Fox would have been a much better bella and made the movie so much better to watch. and for the sake of saying it, we are both in our 20's...no pedobear here oh and what's "YDI"?
sandyra513 0
Saying that Megan Fox would have made a better bella tells me that you are a perv! I dont like Kristin either but Megan isn't a better actress...you just want to stare at her boobs or something you dirty perv!
ithatguy 0
and how many girls went to drool over edward's and jacob's bodies? pretty sure every girl in there creamed when they came on screen
Danzergirl1 0
YDI for hating New Moon. Fail.
Alice_Cullen7 0
SHUT UP NEW MOON IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! THE ONLY THING THAT SUX IN IT IS EDWARD.
firstdayofsummer 0
that's what you get for dissing new moon asshole
ithatguy 0
granted "new moon" IS better than "Twilight" but it still was lacking compared to the book.
blmred 0
YDI for goin to that shity movie
ziqi92 0
the day i see no more twilight fmls bcuz of stupid fangirls is the day i'll weep with joy!!!!!!!!!!
crazytoaster 2
Beards are awesome. The most manly of cultures sported beards as a sign of masculinity, age and wisdom. Plus, they keep you warmer in the winter AND you have something to stroke while you are thinking. Which is awesome. @ OP That was a problem that could've been solved by a simple headbutt.
bored690 0
um i would have left if my date set me on fire. ydi.
soccerrocks 0
you need some ice for it