Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML
Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML
Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. As I started putting my arm around her, I hit her in the face. FML
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Top comments
Rellich 0
I want to say, "YDI," but no one deserves a psycho bitch like that...
smiller0789 3
******...up
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Comments (195)
Jessie5099 0
okay uhm you're old enough to grow a beard that could get burnt by a lighter so maybe you should learn how to act more mature in public and not steal shit from each other like you're in 2nd grade then maybe you wouldn't get into those type of situations
ithatguy 0
you remind me of my ex...and she is one the biggest B*tches I've ever had the displeasure of meeting
mandapanda 0
Oh no! People were having fun and goofing off! They must always behave like five years old. I know mature people never laugh. It's just not proper.
Jessie5099 0
I'm sure her being a b*tch is your fault.
Jessie5099 0
it has nothing to do with laughing. you can have a good time without acting out of control. he got hurt from acting this way..so obviously it's not a good thing. or maybe it's fun to get burnt with a lighter?
ithatguy 0
or perhaps it was an accident
DameGreyWulf 1
Excuse me, but she stole his hat first, then couldn't handle it when he tried to play along and lit the poor guy on fire. She is a bitch.
asquithpat 0
k i have several points: 1) wtf english please 2) what do chicks find so attractive about a dude with fangs who sparkles? 3) dump that crazy bitch b4 she kills you 5) why wud she steal ur hat and wtf happened 6) there is no 4th point
phatdaddy 0
I can't understand you. Go back to your country!!
MzRodriquez95 0
I had to read it twice to fully understand it. But FLY that bitch is CRAZY.
nevele11 0
You sound like scummy mall rats. Find somewhere to go.
bobsanction 18
YDI for not knowing how to flirt.
wh4t3v3R 0
I'm sorry dude, but next time bring a stun gun, women these days are crazy!
carrotdwarf 0
Are you sure you're not the black hat guy from xkcd? http://xkcd.com/405/ http://xkcd.com/433/
ithatguy 0
touche good sir but no
noshitsherlock 0
WTF?!?! At least you now know, Twilight fans are PSYCHO BATSHIT ******* CRAZY. Seriously - moms get all creepy for underage stars (the wolf) and the teenagers are just crazy too
tally7mir 3
WTF?????? Taylor's amazing!
tally7mir 3
btw, I'm only 15, so I can think that
FriesWithASideOf 0
Twillight is a movie in ruins. The whole series book/movie sucked and every little ****** ass fan of Twillight should burn in hell.
jessxoxo28 5
LMAO! sucks that u had a date with a psychopath.... but the best part HAD to be new moon. i mean, c'mon... taylor lautner shirtless doesnt make u happy?
MandyPandy 4
Well, the OP's a guy...
ithatguy 0
considering i am a straight GUY, i'm going with a nice big NO. Alice wasn't too bad though
Sister1594 0
Thats what u get for hating twilight! There isnt any bad acting in new moon!!