Love: Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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Late term

Mother of the year

What a charmer

By outagrand - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By benjo - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By morphea - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

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By texasbest - United States - Lindale

Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML

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By mariama - United States

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

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By Mandy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was smart and he suited someone who was quite stupid. He then went on to say that I was perfect for him. FML

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By FML - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

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By BUSTED. - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

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By kaynotentirelywrong - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

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By Mr. King - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By littl3storm

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

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By danny

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 16:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Dash and dine

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By oops123 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

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By I was just following orders!

Today, I visited my girlfriend in the preschool she's interning at. She asked me to continue reading The Little Mermaid to her class, handing me the book. After the story, the whole class started to cry. She never told me to sugarcoat the ending and lie, Disney-style. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By DarkDisaster - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

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By gotadirtydick

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Ricky - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

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By derbyboy - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 17:00

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

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By damn you Ambien - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Psycho

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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By greek_dancer - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

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By kinkicali - United States - Maple Valley

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

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By trice - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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Top comments

By paid2think | 0

#1464478 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

Well does it?

By chocofudges | 3

#1464482 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

haha. that is really funny. how is this an FML?

COMMENTS

By paid2think | 0

#1464478 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

Well does it?

Reply

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1464498 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:01

Hey he was trying to lighten the mood. :) You should of said yes and started laughing. :)

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1464537 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:08

lololololol!!!!!!!!

Reply

allenrotstein | 0

#1464596 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:18

Well, she's a fun gal, kepper!

Reply

dennisbar27 | 0

#1464647 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:33

I feel sorry for the other people!xD You guys make a good couple!

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1464662 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:36

I would have just laughed. Lol

Reply

seanders | 10

#1464694 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:41

I wouldn't ask permission to fart I'd just let it go lol.

Reply

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1464878 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:19

Who or what is kepper?

Reply

lalalaloveit | 0

#1464955 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:46

I think they ment keeper.

Reply

10_4Franky | 0

#1465088 - Monday 27 September 2010 18:30

Number one, I think that if she burps he's at least allowed to fart. Well actually she "accidentally" burped but who really cares.

Reply

TransitionCovery | 0

#1465118 - Monday 27 September 2010 18:38

YDI so bad

Reply

sueannpalma | 7

#1465918 - Monday 27 September 2010 21:16

how is this an fml ? me and my bf have burping contests and farting to lmao

Reply

thrice324 | 0

#1467150 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:28

Lol I agree with 107. At least he didn't just walk out on you. Which is what most girls would do if a guy did that.

Reply

ScrabbleBabe2010 | 0

#1468284 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 5:53

Sorry but...your spelling and grammar was just terrible again. Did you mean top of your class in 1st grade? What is the world coming to? I see so many people who don't know their to, too, and two. They also do not know their there, their and your you'res either, very sad. People are not grammar Nazis, it is just that we want to help. :)

Reply

SCO_1130 | 0

#1468644 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 8:11

Do as I say not as I do?

Reply

nond2nv | 4

#1469097 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 11:38

#38, You're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.

You're welcome.

Reply

nond2nv | 4

#1469102 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 11:40

***#138***

Reply

marlaineeeee | 0

#1469857 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 20:02

it was love at first site wasn't it? lol

Reply

hobojo11 | 0

#1648584 - Thursday 4 November 2010 6:58

hahagaha

Reply

farhil | 14

#3393831 - Thursday 6 October 2011 3:38

154, sight*

By optimusprime0069 | 8

#1464480 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

be fair and say yes

Reply

QwertyMcNugget | 0

#1464812 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:05

You're adorable! :D

Reply

croso88 | 5

#1465080 - Monday 27 September 2010 18:28

that is epic

Reply

QwertyMcNugget | 0

#1468249 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 5:43

What is Epic? :O

By chocofudges | 3

#1464482 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

haha. that is really funny. how is this an FML?

Reply

jvoorhees | 0

#1464787 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:03

your right, funny but no fml

Reply

imemerald | 3

#1469460 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 15:52

I agree, at least he's got a sense of humor!

Reply

SarahBearXoX | 0

#1474014 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 17:52

I know.. I thought it was cute and funny. :

By xGabri3L | 3

#1464484 - Monday 27 September 2010 15:59

Your amazing.

Reply

lajaynay | 15

#1464677 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:38

*you're

it's a contraction for "you are" and "your" is possessive.
Learn it, live it. :)

Reply

amritsidhu6 | 0

#1464966 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:51

hahaha fag

Reply

nazooer | 11

#1470073 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 23:26

It's*

Capitalization is fun.

Reply

xninix_fml | 36

#6614557 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 16:48

@157 Lol I love that you corrected someone who also corrected someone ;P.

By thegooseisloose | 0

#1464486 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:00

Baabi.
:)

By JustKeepBreathin | 0

#1464495 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:00

At least he didn't break up with you?

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#1464672 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:36

But he did break wind.

Reply

MetalHead93GB | 0

#1464858 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:15

I see wut u did der! cheeky! :D

Reply

schalk | 12

#1465040 - Monday 27 September 2010 18:14

is that Dimebag Darrel in your pic? *makes devilhorns gesture*

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1465161 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:02

Hope her name wasn't Windy, ..., erm, ... Wendy.

By aidanawesome | 0

#1464503 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:02

you fail

Reply

disturbed4life15 | 0

#1464797 - Monday 27 September 2010 17:04

omg I love your picture... it's gir :)

By TomSmithy | 0

#1464507 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:03

Wmt

By curzy | 6

#1464509 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:03

Stay classy.

Reply

natas_fml | 13

#1464604 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:20

stay classy, whales vagina.

Reply

SquaresviL7e | 0

#1465976 - Monday 27 September 2010 21:28

Go FYL, San Diego.

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#1464511 - Monday 27 September 2010 16:03

I like your picture frosty46, family reunion is their best song