By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

Cognitive dissonance

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada - Erin

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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By suosi - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By ouch - United States - Nashville

Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML

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By Wtfbruhimmovingout - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

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By highschoolnobody - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By jayscalaro

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By livinproof

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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By missmycomp - Singapore

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 17:00

Sensitive

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By awkward23 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By M.A. - United States - Prescott

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

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By ming

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

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By AnonCat - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

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By nowbrokevaper - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By Emily S - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

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By oops

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "get well soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

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By jedd90 - United States

Today, I overdraw my account, and I ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

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By Kryometric - United States - Coupeville

Today, with the experience of sitting behind someone on a roller coaster, I found out pee is affected by gravity. FML

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By lukey101 - 11/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Most likely

Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML

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By bonedregardless - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

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By unknown951

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By sadguy - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

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By lukey101 - 14/2/2021 18:30 - Australia

Casual something

Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

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By heallven - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By MelanieP - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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Top comments

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

COMMENTS

By zaya1324 | 0

#65608 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

HAHA wow that totally sucks for you. shes kinda a bitch for doing that though, its human nature
first comment: victory =)

Reply

MelissaBarkley | 0

#923642 - Monday 8 March 2010 2:51

wow.. i would have stayed.. and laughed. everyone farts. I know she does too

Reply

albert17 | 0

#964063 - Friday 19 March 2010 9:49

what are you talking about, girls can't fart

Reply

cellerbeck | 4

#1112408 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 6:54

I laughed so hard when I read this! ya #2 s right though. you should have walked out of the theater to do it. g

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1525353 - Sunday 10 October 2010 2:26

you are so right

By kika_fml | 0

#65611 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:02

Lol, why didnt you just go to the bathroom?

Reply

aria02 | 0

#470799 - Sunday 9 August 2009 3:44

He didn't rly even have to go all the way to the bathroom. He cud have just walked out of the theater, farted, fanned the gas away from his butt and walked right back in. I've done that many times b4 to keep the "girls don't fart" illusion alive. lol

Reply

missbadluk | 0

#3286860 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 5:50

That's what I was wondering. Simple solution. Derrr

By ZeShadow | 0

#65622 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

You dropped DA BOMB on her

By Prof_Oak | 0

#65623 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

#2 is right..you shoulda just gone to the bathroom, dude
and
haha
#2. that means poo. lol

By queencanada165 | 0

#65624 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

niiiiiiiiice and #2 am totally agreeing with you

By marisaichiban | 0

#65631 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT'S an FML.

By FuckMyLife132 | 0

#65637 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

oJoy | 11

#6077136 - Monday 29 September 2014 21:54

wow judgemental much?

By yeahreally | 6

#65641 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

i was about to say that same thing as #2...common sense i would hope

By Warcry21 | 1

#65643 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:07

ahahahaha akward... u gotta work on ur timing ur farts

By tentenjen | 0

#65649 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:09

ROFL. that sucks.
(You should've gone to the bathroom before it happened!)