Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert,...

By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 23:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

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Love

Season finale

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Great guy

By PeppermintPenny - 10/8/2017 20:00

Been There

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

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By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2018 18:30

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

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By Grounded - 3/11/2011 09:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 05:05

Double standards

Today, my best friend, who is also Godmother to my son, came over to visit for a few hours, as she does every other day. My husband complained to me that she’s over a lot. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with his best friend coming over every weekend and sleepover for 2-3 days straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2016 01:46 - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By Annabelle - 5/7/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

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By anonymous - 11/8/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

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By Lauren Davies - 17/9/2019 06:00

Paper-thin walls

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

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By saintmichi - 1/2/2010 00:21 - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By Mystery LeRale - 15/1/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 15:08 - United States - Venus

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By Kftc88 - 11/1/2013 08:03 - United States - Pomona

Today, I have severe back pain that is only relieved by lying flat on my bed. I also have acid reflux that is only prevented by sitting straight up. FML

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By Rowaelin16 - 23/8/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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By Champs - 25/1/2009 17:52 - Australia

Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2017 01:30

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 11:15 - Australia

Today, I had a look through my dad's girlfriend's phone she left on the table. Best part: I now know what I'm getting for christmas. Worst part: I now know my dad's favourite position. FML

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By firestar772 - 11/2/2013 15:48 - United States - Santa Barbara

It's probably considered art

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

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By virgin - 25/11/2018 20:00

Early program

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By Is_This_Real - 30/3/2016 20:46 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By iannie - 31/7/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

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By doughgirl101 - 7/9/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By doubleds - 3/6/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

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By D.J. - 25/1/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 09:01 - Singapore

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

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By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 20:34 - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

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By anon - 28/9/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

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By fuck_thisshit - 9/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 12:23 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By hotpatata - 6/7/2012 15:03 - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

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By crazydog - 10/6/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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By Squishy - 22/8/2010 23:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML

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By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By Username - 3/8/2019 18:00 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML

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Top comments

By fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1940860 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:19

I wasn't aware you could titter vigorously.....I've heard of people working out vigorously, and arguing vigorously, but tittering? How the fuck do you manage to do that?

By alwa7sh | 2

#1940824 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:14

that teaches you to not fake you titters

COMMENTS

By Stephhxbabyy | 0

#1940774 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:08

damnn that sucks -__-

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1940799 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:11

hehehe.... tittered

rallets | 22

#1940906 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:26

your titters were all over the place

DudeImBetter | 0

#1940946 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:40

is tittered a cooler way of saying laughed in the uk cause it sounds pretty stupid to me.

Penguinman909 | 7

#1940959 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:47

I'm from the UK and I've barely ever heard the word tittered used instead of laughed. Must be a southern thing.

claiiire_fml | 17

#1940964 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:48

it's not a southern thing.

cwhitney11 | 4

#1941269 - Saturday 8 January 2011 4:33

it's a jersey thing

Day_Dreams | 0

#1941296 - Saturday 8 January 2011 4:38

35 I believe 34 was talking about the south of England not the United States. other things in the world can be southern.

brandikinz | 4

#1941566 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:24

56 it is not a 'jersey thing'. I have lived here my whole life and have never heard that word before. Ever. In my entire life.

cwhitney11 | 4

#1941642 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:56

68-Americans would see the humor

iSitt | 0

#1941843 - Saturday 8 January 2011 8:29

is it queen's English ?

DancinKat | 0

#1942214 - Saturday 8 January 2011 10:13

It's a Jersey thing is from South Park when they made fun of the Jersy Shore.

27BronxBombers | 12

#2455378 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 3:14

titter is something similar to giggle. it's not a difficult word. some of you have a pathetic vocabulary. I'm 13 years old and I know what it means.

kaegomay12 | 17

#5290883 - Saturday 29 December 2012 1:02

yep that sucks

By baby610 | 4

#1940776 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:08

yew toatally deserved it.

stephanie911_fml | 0

#1941614 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:46

What are you doing, playing runescape?
"yew?"( :

baby610 | 4

#1941675 - Saturday 8 January 2011 7:09

I dnt get it

boopityboppity | 11

#1941744 - Saturday 8 January 2011 7:38

I get the distinct impression that this happens a lot, 79.

alicec123 | 0

#1943160 - Saturday 8 January 2011 16:22

84- LOL!

baby610 | 4

#2830384 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 12:31

no seriously I don't get it?
what is "runescape"?

DaDezza244 | 31

#4357601 - Thursday 26 April 2012 12:46

79-Runescape is a computer game

By tayytayyy | 0

#1940785 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:09

bet it wasn't even funny -___-

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1941935 - Saturday 8 January 2011 8:43

Hey teyyteyyy? I read your profile. Where u from? Detroit? The greatest city.

baby610 | 4

#2830313 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 12:14

haha all racist kinda mean though.

By BandddGeekkk | 0

#1940788 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:09

does that mean that when you go down on a person, you sometimes throw up all over them?

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2281599 - Saturday 2 April 2011 12:38

Lmfao!!!! ^^^ Omfg that's funny!

By GuitarNukka520 | 5

#1940794 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:11

I've never seen anyone puke from something like that. Although, I wish I had it seems like it would be a hilarious situation

maybaybe | 0

#1940875 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:21

LOL same here :)

GuitarNukka520 | 5

#1941101 - Saturday 8 January 2011 3:39

I imagine it being all awkward and just pure awesomeness ^_^

ifmlftw | 0

#2665755 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:12

dude you have a huge nose

LilyZombie | 8

#4080467 - Friday 24 February 2012 4:00

5, your shower curtain makes for a great distraction from your cliché face. just saying. nothing to do with your comment.

By RosiePatosie | 0

#1940796 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:11

Maybe he understands?

By emilyxorawr | 3

#1940806 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:12

Don't be sad, there is always others.

By musickraze45 | 0

#1940820 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:13

you life does suck haha

By alwa7sh | 2

#1940824 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:14

that teaches you to not fake you titters

By Loulabelle | 0

#1940830 - Saturday 8 January 2011 2:14

Goodbye second date