Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted... - FML

By embarassed - 8/8/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Insane parents

Business savvy

By therevsev - 2/10/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

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By themarrowguy - 23/8/2013 10:06 - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 23:02

Trust

Today, my husband's grandmother told me in confidence that he was diagnosed with psychopathy as a child, so in all likelihood my husband isn’t actually capable of feeling love for me. I’m just a useful tool to make him seem normal so doctors and therapists leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By OzzyWannabee - 20/2/2015 08:12 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 17:02 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

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By CollegeStudent - 26/11/2016 05:55

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

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By Joey - 7/5/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

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By Ezzie - 29/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By bobbies - 15/4/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2018 19:00

No Chick-Hating on Easter!

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend of 13 years. He broke up with me because "Chicks can't propose, that's gay!" FML

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By MitchFail - 23/7/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By jcstpierre - 24/4/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I received a mass email from my boss saying we had a position open at the daycare I work at. I knew my boyfriend was looking for a job so I insisted he apply. Later at work, my boss takes me into her office and tells me my employment is being "terminated". My boyfriend is replacing me. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By jasmine - 23/2/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By wendtinmypants - 31/5/2014 15:05 - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By Bibi - 23/9/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By LLCoolBean - 3/3/2011 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

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By Not a day over 35 - 18/6/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By no name - 22/2/2011 12:25

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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By EpicFailAtItsFinest - 13/4/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

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By sydsophnova - 2/7/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I am kind of scared of heights so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke and fell down and I fell along with it. My boyfriend said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Ouchithurt - 4/8/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By Username - 15/12/2010 17:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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By Repethetic - 2/4/2015 12:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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By brodinn - 11/4/2014 13:48 - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

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By Twomanybananas - 23/1/2017 16:00

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

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By Sadtimes - 17/9/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

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By mybad - 25/8/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

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By nepotwatism @ its finest - 23/9/2015 15:05 - Sweden - Halmstad

Today, my boss told me I have to start work 4 hours early tomorrow, because that my coworker, who happens to be his son, will not be coming in because he's "too tired". I work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week without complaining. His son works two 4-hour shifts a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By needmorelocks - 3/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By lady_jeni - 9/7/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has alzheimers and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

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Top comments

By nuked | 0

#469797 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:27

You're an idiot

By sireen | 0

#469800 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:28

why would you go there if your ex husband showed you that spot....

COMMENTS

By eatmydust | 0

#469792 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:26

thats really awkward...

Reply

MooLaw | 0

#470064 - Saturday 8 August 2009 21:53

I hope this is a FML for the ex and the child...
I bet it was 10times as awkward for them.

Reply

dx169 | 0

#470125 - Saturday 8 August 2009 22:23

YDI for hiking

Reply

iKaite | 0

#470225 - Saturday 8 August 2009 23:13

Lol @ YDI for Hiking.

I always said Hiking was bad for u. ^^

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#470230 - Saturday 8 August 2009 23:16

If you have a 8 year old son, I'm guessing you're over or near 30. In which case, YDI. People that old shouldn't be "getting intimate" ew

Reply

Typicaltyps | 0

#470247 - Saturday 8 August 2009 23:27

What, so after you turn 30 you are just never going to have sex again....Grow up.

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#470298 - Sunday 9 August 2009 0:02

exactly.

Reply

mihai_fml | 0

#470339 - Sunday 9 August 2009 0:24

LOL

Reply

justdancebbyx3 | 7

#470367 - Sunday 9 August 2009 0:40

Who the hell gets intimate on a hiking path? KINKY BITCHES

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#470454 - Sunday 9 August 2009 1:12

Lol @ 62

and anyway, why get intimate in a forest? What about all the bugs and shit?

That seems weird to me, but perhaps it's just me :P

Reply

Kiwi_Splash | 0

#470479 - Sunday 9 August 2009 1:19

LMAO 62. What a coincidence...

Reply

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2737840 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 20:06

just finish up like a boss then say hello son! how are you today? If he says "what were you doing mommy?" say FUCKING and someday u will too. and its great!

By nuked | 0

#469797 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:27

You're an idiot

Reply

LoveCali | 0

#2485188 - Monday 9 May 2011 23:33

Agreed..Instead Of Being With Your Fucking Boyfriend YOU Shouldve Been With Your Son On That Hiking Trip....Fucking Idiot. >=(

Reply

iEnvade | 2

#2740634 - Thursday 23 June 2011 5:56

Why did you feel the need to capitalize every word in your comment? And I think OP has a right to spend the time with her boyfriend opposed to her ex who was also hiking with the son. Though I do hope she still takes care of her son properly.

Reply

CarlosDanger | 12

#6115384 - Monday 10 November 2014 20:18

Getting intimate in public is not okay.

By Shots_HK | 0

#469799 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:27

I assume this was on a weekend? And your ex-husband likes hiking? YDI for not thinking ahead. What did your son say?

Reply

Cerataphora | 0

#470033 - Saturday 8 August 2009 21:37

Of course you'd want to know....Pervert

Reply

wickeddrummajor | 0

#470187 - Saturday 8 August 2009 22:48

they deserve it for screwing on a hiking trail

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6387074 - Thursday 20 August 2015 20:37

He was probably scarred after seeing his mother fucking another man.

By sireen | 0

#469800 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:28

why would you go there if your ex husband showed you that spot....

Reply

Agrajagged | 3

#471055 - Sunday 9 August 2009 6:04

My thoughts exactly. YDI

Reply

BrutalFbomb | 5

#1025507 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 21:13

I third that ^

and btw you're a real bitch to really do that, besides who knows if you get poison oak or ivy down there. YDI

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6327741 - Monday 22 June 2015 7:28

Ydi Soooooooooooooo bad

By LenaBelle | 0

#469808 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:29

You should've at least went of the trail a bit...

By HahaYDI | 0

#469827 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:33

YDI for hiking

By drzhottie148 | 0

#469829 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:34

YDI how about trying to find a new spot.

By Einstein714 | 0

#469839 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:35

you failed miserably...YDI

By oh_mi_shizzle | 0

#469842 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:36

why did you go to the yea to try to hook up in the first place?!

don't either of you own a place or at least make the effort to get a hotel room for te occasion?!

I truly feel /aboslutely terrible/ for your child...
can't imagine how awful that was for him.
"daddy why is mommy being tackled by a strange grunting man?"

YDI...

Reply

USMC_Marine | 0

#470183 - Saturday 8 August 2009 22:47

Whore.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6088963 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 0:13

I've never had sex outside, but bedrooms can get old. It's fun going to new places.

By LatinoHeat | 0

#469847 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:36

YDI for imagining you were making out with Clay Aiken!

Reply

YouAreRidiculous | 0

#469873 - Saturday 8 August 2009 20:41

aahh!! that, my friend. is a CLASSIC line. epic win.

Reply

BrutalFbomb | 5

#1025511 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 21:16

LMAO! epic fail