Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the...

By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 07:35

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

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Health

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Don't give up

By someone - 29/7/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By wildthing - 1/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 13:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By twnty1 - 31/5/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By Leo_RxXx - 26/5/2009 12:18 - United States

Today, I was getting off of work, talking to my boss and I asked if I could get a ride home, since my usual ride was too lazy to come get me. He said, sure, but to be really careful since he just had his car detailed. I was getting in the car, tripped and threw my hot cocoa all inside of his car. FML

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By PCop - 2/8/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

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By EunJung - 4/11/2011 00:16 - United States

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

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By anonymous - 13/2/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By the girl next door - 7/5/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By DogLover - 6/2/2013 13:59 - United States - Watertown

Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML

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By uglynerd - 26/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Streamwood

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

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By andrew - 4/4/2018 06:00

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 04:47 - United States - North Port

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

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By number2 - 14/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2011 22:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By ihatemyparents - 22/1/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML

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By soaked - 31/8/2009 13:05 - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

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By Stupid - 18/9/2013 08:46 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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By TheHarvardian - 25/10/2012 06:59 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

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By andromeda80 - 28/3/2012 13:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

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By tommy3824 - 20/8/2009 12:45 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 13:26 - United States

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

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By stillchubby - 17/2/2011 11:12 - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 00:01

Experimentation is good

Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML

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By Catherine - 23/5/2011 19:33 - United States

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

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By FMyBrain - 6/6/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By anon - 9/9/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

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By bleurghh - 31/12/2011 15:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After calling her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

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By irwingiggles - 8/2/2015 10:26 - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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By spiderhater - 12/4/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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By woahitbechels - 25/4/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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By Hth - 15/1/2009 11:14 - United States

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

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By huj - 25/9/2010 21:49 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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Top comments

By dani22097 | 0

#1933581 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:03

that's what I do during pedicures...

By dumbestdrummer | 0

#1933626 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:10

there's gotta be a meh button. it's not your fault your tickleish and it sucks you got slahed in your foot

Comments

By karinabeby | 0

#1933572 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:03

LOL nice one.

PuppiesFTW | 5

#1936660 - Friday 7 January 2011 5:24

Geeezus!!! sounds really painful

asoptavlo14 | 6

#2703891 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:15

Nice comment!

koolkanga | 12

#5862142 - Wednesday 19 February 2014 1:18

Eeeeee! When I read this FML I flinched!

By EmoOrange | 0

#1933579 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:03

Haha. he deserved it.

spade1997 | 0

#1937521 - Friday 7 January 2011 9:56

it could be a she too

EmoOrange | 0

#1939519 - Friday 7 January 2011 18:50

True.

EmoOrange | 0

#1939524 - Friday 7 January 2011 18:53

If only the fml didn't say it was a he.

alicespoons | 17

#5889090 - Tuesday 18 March 2014 22:43

Really? For doing his/her job? They deserved getting kicked in the face?

By dani22097 | 0

#1933581 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:03

that's what I do during pedicures...

FYLDeep | 25

#1933662 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:16

You kick doctors in the face?

KristinaKreme | 0

#1933775 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:40

Since when do doctors give pedicures?^ 0.o

FYLDeep | 25

#1933925 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:11

Lest we rule out the possibility of a doctor being in the vicinity of a customer being pedicured.

KristinaKreme | 0

#1933982 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:25

Haha Touche >;)

PhoenixFiend | 0

#1934431 - Thursday 6 January 2011 15:55

There's actually doctors who specialize in pedicures. For those who can easily get infections in their feet (diabetes patients for example). :)

KristinaKreme | 0

#1935340 - Thursday 6 January 2011 22:51

Learn setting new everyday :]

TheDrifter | 23

#1935431 - Thursday 6 January 2011 23:38

I think they call them pediatrists don't they?

By CutiePie_101 | 7

#1933606 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:07

Ouch, FYL :(

By dumbestdrummer | 0

#1933626 - Thursday 6 January 2011 12:10

there's gotta be a meh button. it's not your fault your tickleish and it sucks you got slahed in your foot

firecapez | 4

#1934021 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:39

Well then hit the FYL button. Neither of those would have to do with the YDI button.

ulicksam | 0

#1934029 - Thursday 6 January 2011 13:41

Neither of these would have to do with the FML button either.

mitchem | 3

#1934302 - Thursday 6 January 2011 15:18

what part of "foot got slashed open" did you miss?

Po1ntBlank | 0

#1934600 - Thursday 6 January 2011 16:40

FMl Is about what happened that Sux. ydi doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but it was your fault. if she kicked him and the blade, it is her fault, but it still sucks