Intimacy: Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 1 194

13/08/2010 01:01

Spicy

Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 229

You deserved it 37 959

You tried

Leave us alone

Sounds like a catch

14/11/2011 08:42

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 968

You deserved it 4 974

Ready for the grill!

By boopingsnoot - 05/08/2017 20:00

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 950

You deserved it 303

11/06/2009 05:08

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 259

You deserved it 54 520

29/05/2016 15:15

Today, I decided to make the switch from pads to tampons. My boyfriend ended up having to show me how to apply them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 197

You deserved it 3 578

23/02/2010 18:09

Today, I went into my parents room to empty their wastebasket. Next to it and around their bed, I found tissues that were soaked in an unknown sticky substance. I had to pick them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 386

You deserved it 3 659

17/06/2009 04:25

Spicy

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 831

You deserved it 4 676

17/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 084

You deserved it 343

16/06/2016 06:02

Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 221

You deserved it 5 834

25/06/2009 02:38

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 696

You deserved it 2 793

Such a helpful kitty!

By Preggers - 14/03/2017 20:00

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 273

You deserved it 653

29/12/2016 23:30

Spicy

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 633

You deserved it 855

06/03/2010 05:16

Today, I was walking through the mall with my husband. We came across a guy who was selling some weight loss pills. He tried to sell me some and I kindly declined. He told me not to deny my weight problems. Thanks. I'm 7 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 713

You deserved it 2 771

13/02/2011 08:36

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 748

You deserved it 3 796

17/09/2015 14:54

Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 409

You deserved it 5 385

24/01/2011 08:08

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 629

You deserved it 37 592

10/12/2018 22:00

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 315

You deserved it 1 196

Time to grow a beard?

By Ben - 03/08/2017 23:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 856

You deserved it 449

15/09/2015 18:05

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 902

You deserved it 1 722

27/07/2019 05:00

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 475

21/09/2013 04:07

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 085

You deserved it 3 508

17/11/2015 10:20

Today, my friend was complaining about about her new boyfriend. Playing around, I told her that he sounded a lot like my ex. He is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 609

You deserved it 2 325

22/06/2009 20:06

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 4 279

23/12/2008 08:57

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 282

You deserved it 4 710

25/07/2009 21:12

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 278

You deserved it 5 758

08/01/2011 01:31

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 661

You deserved it 4 170

23/04/2011 02:17

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 119

You deserved it 3 560

Do Not Pass Go

By Rex - 16/09/2017 16:15

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 596

You deserved it 321

12/10/2009 14:03

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 360

You deserved it 3 733

02/01/2010 07:50

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 964

You deserved it 4 666

11/12/2014 19:55

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 723

You deserved it 6 420

05/08/2011 05:45

Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 442

You deserved it 10 328

14/08/2018 15:00

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 976

You deserved it 193

31/07/2011 04:20

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 333

You deserved it 17 948

21/07/2019 12:10

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 773

You deserved it 93

21/11/2009 12:56

Spicy

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 189

You deserved it 21 978

16/09/2011 02:38

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 542

You deserved it 3 684

23/02/2013 06:28

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 490

You deserved it 3 429

25/07/2010 23:21

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 610

You deserved it 10 788

07/05/2012 00:13

Spicy

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 770

You deserved it 4 721

Asshat

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 14:18

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 867

You deserved it 5 292

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Top comments

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

Lol I'm pretty sure it's not that hard.

immja 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:08

@2 that may have been the problem.. hah

Comments

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

Lol I'm pretty sure it's not that hard.

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:29

punny I like :D

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:11

YOU TWO MUST BE RETARDED.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:17

lol that was Funny ^ yeah you see the arrow yeah well yeah it pointing to an F. yes a Fucking F. ^ ^ ^

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:20

well fuck the arrows because they didn't point at the f's like I made them do.

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Friday 13 August 2010 11:03

lol @ 126 xD

Firebrand_fml 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 11:07

GTFO #120, punny is cool..

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Friday 13 August 2010 15:35

never realized this... but lol looks like a vagina. hmmm

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Friday 13 August 2010 20:56

#210 I disagree! What kind of vaginas have you been looking at?!

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Saturday 14 August 2010 10:16

not a single one.

Jiplo 18

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Saturday 24 March 2012 23:43

^ditto...

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Sunday 1 April 2012 2:16

Obviously thats why they didn't have sex:) lol

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

tools

FirstBornUnicorn 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:07

Fools

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:35

pools

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:43

rules

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:48

ghouls

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:48

drools

hellokittywhore 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:49

stools

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:51

jewels

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:52

cools?

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:55

fuels

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:58

fuck.

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:59

mules

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:59

awwwwww why you gotta mess it up?!

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:02

Riley! That was my job to do that. :/

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:02

cuz im a boss.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:02

yeah! fuck you

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:03

yeah your the boss. of cunts.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:04

lol sorry, raleigh. we had brainwaves, i just acted on it quicker! :D

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:06

Yeeeh, don't let me catch you trying to take my job from me again. :P

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:06

zach55- you should go cry about it some more.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:09

well raleigh, i believe i just stole your job..

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:11

Hmm, Riley. If you're going to take my job, then you might as well take the title of cockblocker that goes along with it. :]

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:12

#117 how about you go masturbate listening to a justin bieber song and his gay little girl like voice he has. oh that's right it's because he is one and you want his wet pussy in your face. sick whore

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:14

ahahahahahahahahah oh my goodness. good one.. what are you? 12?

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:15

lol and why's thy raleigh?

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:18

sure I am. and what are you a little 5 year old girl trying to act tough? seems like it.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:20

lol god, my iq is dropping just by talking to you and im condoning you by replying. aha this is my last reply.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:22

Zach, dude just drop it. You're picking a fight with someone you will most likely never meet, over something as small as a combo breaker on a website.. You know this is not worth it, yes? Riley, that's because you've just blocked a handful of cocks from continuing their combo. So I hope you're happy with the job, cockblocker. :]

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:22

exactly my comment about you going off masturbating to Justin bieber is true. have fun.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:26

Lmao zach

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:28

lol someone had to do it raleigh. don't be jealous. :D

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:33

Pfft, I am in no way jealous. I'll catch you slipping and get you back one day. But anywho, I'm headed out. Goodnight, boss. :P

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:37

lol we'll see bout that! night, sir.

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:51

pfft what a couple.

bugmenotmofo 34

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Saturday 14 August 2010 4:01

lol @ 99

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Tuesday 17 August 2010 1:00

Pools.... We must go on!! Unlike their sex.... XD

ifoundalaska 11

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Friday 4 May 2012 4:37

Good god get a room

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:07

What's so hard about oral sex....it's like sucking a lolipop, except it's skin.

glee5 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:07

good effort guys! you can always try again!

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:07

Fail is that even possible maybe your not sure? You guys where dry and crispy after ur attempt

immja 0

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:08

@2 that may have been the problem.. hah

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:14

I see what you did thar...

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Wednesday 9 May 2012 6:27

Hahaha funny xD

Tequila_Hilton 3

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 21 April 2012 4:12

Or maybe they are in middle school...

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Saturday 6 July 2019 23:30

maybe middle school health is just reallllly bad at teaching that

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:12

You'll learn. Hopefully...

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:28

we can only hope :(

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:55

kids now-a-days.... they never learn.

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:57

Mhm.

MzMegs 20

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:12

I lost my virginity today and it wasn't that hard... Maybe you guys are stupid?

MzMegs 20

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:19

It's not like I even gave any details... Stop being so oversensitive.

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:20

not enough information

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:22

31 I think that made my night. :D

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:27

ur welcome :) btw where did u steal that pic from?

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:35

^ lol

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:59

OP sounds like a douche. Just whack it in, it's not that hard!

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Friday 13 August 2010 10:00

Sarah I'd love to take ur whole family down to the basement and grape u for decades and decades and decades

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Friday 13 August 2010 15:52

like how do you fuck that up