Intimacy: Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten...

By Confused - 22/08/2012 16:33 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 624

You deserved it 4 381

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

Trainwreck

Oh, hi… you

By holly - 24/05/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was watching tv on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because "the dog can't see the TV." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 027

You deserved it 4 690

Oops.

By Marcilor001 - 10/08/2018 20:30

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 616

You deserved it 699

By nosestealer - 07/07/2013 21:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 406

You deserved it 9 841

By That_guy - 12/02/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but apparently, the person I'm replacing was very well-liked around my workplace. All of my co-workers hate me now for replacing someone who I don't even know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 453

You deserved it 2 114

By thesixth - 02/03/2016 18:53 - Kenya

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 983

You deserved it 7 178

By Anonymous - 06/02/2015 08:26 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 032

You deserved it 3 158

By ass slap - 11/08/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 098

You deserved it 24 727

Tiler, the creator

By musicalxtheories - 09/05/2020 08:00

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 256

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 837

You deserved it 6 742

By Annomymous - 23/01/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 811

You deserved it 4 861

By Fred - 20/03/2015 01:06 - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 545

You deserved it 5 788

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 436

You deserved it 4 657

By Bree - 22/10/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 333

You deserved it 3 154

By yessssir - 09/03/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 796

You deserved it 4 924

By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 018

You deserved it 3 715

By slukaa - 13/06/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 645

You deserved it 3 252

By Anonymous - 18/02/2019 18:00

Today, I found myself crying my eyes out over my two favourite fictional characters' deaths. It happened over 6 years ago and has affected me more than real peoples' deaths. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 651

You deserved it 926

Heimlich

By Macdaddy - 05/12/2008 12:49 - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 967

You deserved it 3 444

By Sad nerd - 05/01/2013 17:09 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 190

You deserved it 1 853

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 179

You deserved it 2 411

By caiti - 06/08/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 231

You deserved it 4 438

Midlife crisis

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 87

By cait - 30/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 629

You deserved it 100 037

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 16:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 542

You deserved it 7 980

By Indigo_Kitten - 08/08/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 872

You deserved it 18 999

Welcoming

By Anonymous - 06/06/2014 15:45 - Australia

Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 900

You deserved it 8 331

By Anonymous - 17/03/2016 15:34 - United States - Pomona

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 147

You deserved it 2 559

Economic abuse

By whyme - 16/05/2021 20:01

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 622

Look who's talking

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 18:01 - Canada - Nepean

Today, my ex asked me to help her with a payment for a loan she had to pay, which she'd forgot she had to pay. I told her I needed to go to bank, and was busy at the moment. She told me that I needed to be more organized in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 147

By addie - 03/03/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 152

You deserved it 3 057

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 30/12/2021 02:01

Today, my boyfriend of two years completely lost it because last night I told him I wanted to move to a less remote area so I can be independent. He shouted that I bring no money in, he has to do everything, and that I that I snore so loud he can hear me from downstairs where he sleeps. I'm pregnant. We are in our 40s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 418

By Anonymous - 20/03/2012 11:57 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 563

You deserved it 2 827

By who_could_it_be - 06/08/2009 13:35 - Canada

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 480

You deserved it 569 053

By preggers - 08/02/2010 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 530

You deserved it 33 682

By halloweensucks - 01/11/2010 01:08 - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 416

You deserved it 35 430

Fancy a pint?

By Anonymous - 04/09/2020 22:02 - United States - Tyler

Today, while I was relaxing outside drinking a beer after a long day, a moth decided to fly right into my ear canal. I instinctively threw my hand up to swat it out. With the same hand holding the beer. I soaked the side of my face and down my ear. At least I got the bug out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 273

Sorry, but…

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 541

You deserved it 2 577

One each

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 23:01

Today, my girlfriend was in the back seat of a car with one of my friends when she got sick and puked all over one of his dress shoes. My friend then asked me to replace his shoes, since she is technically unemployed and couldn't pay him back. We eventually agreed that I would pay for one shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 22/07/2016 04:14 - United States - Missoula

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 030

You deserved it 1 859

By VidyaGameCollector - 03/05/2019 20:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, because money is a little tight, I decided to sell one of my retro video game consoles. The family member that initially gave me it to me saw the ad on Facebook and demanded I give it back to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 761

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Top comments

bjf10 22

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:29

Foreplay.

MassiveBerry 9

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:40

Warming your ass with a hand dryer?

bjf10 22

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:29

Foreplay.

freshberries22 17

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:37

Foreplay or not the first time sucks for the girl it's supposed to hurt and not as beautiful as it is in books or in movies it's kind of a disappointment

starman02 12

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:38

That really sucks OP, especially that being your first time. If it helps, most first times are nothing to brag about! I agree more foreplay, the sex might be more enjoyable for you!

mzrobinson 13

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:19

Who said it had to hurt? The guy may be on the smaller side which is why she felt nothing?

biggestfan23 11

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:48

Foreplay is a must

commonlogicz42 6

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:51

Op may be unfortunate enough to have a small amount of nerve endings where it counts hence making things less pleasurable. Or her boyfriend needs to learn more about anatomy and stimulation. A larger probe helps too.

LGFUADnow 12

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:54

Giggity

Ameel_fml 19

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Thursday 23 August 2012 3:36

Well I guess it's better to feel nothing than to feel a lot of pain. I know girls who said they were left bleeding and sore for a couple of days after their first time.

Sydney92 3

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Thursday 23 August 2012 21:10

agreed. more foreplay might help. but you could consider yourself lucky, OP. I hated m first time. It was so painful. I bled quite a bit, and was sore for days

saricaste 21

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Thursday 3 August 2017 23:40

It's not supposed to hurt, stop spreading this misinformation, everyone. It only hurts if she's too nervous and, thus, probably shouldn't be having sex, or if she has vaginismus, and, thus, probably shouldn't be having sex. If it hurts, get back to foreplay, and try again afterwards.

eclipse98 5

Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Cowrie 3

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:40

*must have not

nuffsaidboutthat 4

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:18

**must not have

doctorhook86 24

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Thursday 23 August 2012 2:58

18: Pay close attention to which verb #37 is negating. Take notes. There will be a test.

chilena2020 4

Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:31

The first time is never great. But sounds like u need a man with a little more to " offer". Better luck next time

Slender_Man 6

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:44

The first time is always great. That's what makes you want more sex.

lukemack 4

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:55

62 surely your a virgin for saying that

MichellinMan 20

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Thursday 23 August 2012 1:54

62) please don't kidnap me.

wildsweetchild 19

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Thursday 23 August 2012 6:28

I'd say it depends. Not every girl is in pain, things are different when the guy takes time and actually knows what he's doing. With lots of care, love and all that I've listed above the first time can be truly beautiful, pleasurable and very memorable.

xxdark 3

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Thursday 23 August 2012 11:36

#113 speaks the truth. I've heard horror stories of first times, but mine was perfect. No pain, incredible amounts of pleasure and lots of love and devotion. I think you just have to be very ready and not rush yourself or be impatient for your first time. It should be special!

Corbin_Nelson 1

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:32

Is he tiny?

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:55

I'm tiny. I'm only 1ft tall.

deBlobX 12

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Thursday 23 August 2012 13:39

If by he you mean you then yes! *professor Farnsworth*

bfsd42 20

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:32

Is it in yet?

killerskittle 0

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:56

Can't feel anything, but of you do circles I can!

klovemachine 24

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Thursday 23 August 2012 7:45

If you're asking that question, then you're doing it wrong :'O

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:32

I thought the first time you were supposed to feel. Even if it's only pain, or his schlong.

freshberries22 17

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:35

Usually you do it's painful but ops boyfriend might not be as endowed or he didn't give her his "all" so he wouldn't hurt her too much. Either way sorry op

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:45

Oh, I had no idea. I imagined it would feel uncomfortable. Well, you learn something new every day.

Mauskau 35

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:04

My first was so bad, it felt better putting a tampon in than having sex. He was v gentle though, may be why.

KeannaLove 32

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:28

If you don't know what having sex feels like, you're not old enough to be commenting on a post about it. Just saying.

LadySigyn 17

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:32

58- Im 19 and I dont know what sex feels like >_>

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Thursday 23 August 2012 0:36

Yeah, what if a 40 year old virgin commented on a post about sex? Wouldn't they be old enough to comment?

jmacfan1 16

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Thursday 23 August 2012 1:05

I'm 21 and don't know what sex feels like

ShyAnn29 14

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Thursday 23 August 2012 1:09

My first time hurt a lot!

KiddNYC1O 20

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Thursday 23 August 2012 3:44

When do you kids start having sex nowadays?

chili10 18

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Thursday 23 August 2012 4:39

Some 12 year olds know what sex feels like, does that mean they're old enough to comment on a thread about sex?

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Thursday 23 August 2012 7:51

Ew, 12 year olds having sex. I can't even imagine people my age having sex.

sbuxsux11 8

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Thursday 23 August 2012 14:03

i thumbed you up for using the word schlong. such an under used word!

UsernameHere234 13

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Thursday 23 August 2012 16:07

Wait you can't imagine a 16 year old having sex? Or is your birthday faked on here and you are actually 12?

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Thursday 23 August 2012 17:48

I still think 16 is a really young age to have sex. And yes, I am 16.

lil_ham1644 29

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Friday 11 July 2014 5:01

I was 19 & in a serious relationship. Honestly, I don't remember the actual sex that much, but it remember how scared I was.

vintage3113 6

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:33

Maybe he will have more to "offer" with more experience. Sounds like you two need to just get more comfortable with each other on a physical level

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 23 August 2012 11:00

Foreplay would help and sharing to each other what they are into and what feels good and what doesn't.

rooney0710 5

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:34

Ah well. There are better things then sex. Just give me a few minutes to think of some....

MassiveBerry 9

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:40

Warming your ass with a hand dryer?

peanutfoo 19

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:32

Win!

Eiregal2 10

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 23:46

Chocolate

sleephunters 8

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Thursday 23 August 2012 2:28

Bacon.

ilikeapplejuice 7

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Thursday 23 August 2012 2:36

Cleaning your ears.

Nbackus9 4

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Thursday 23 August 2012 3:30

Gay porn

j_cat187 19

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Thursday 23 August 2012 8:29

Nope

MuseFan1991 14

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Thursday 23 August 2012 14:21

dipping your hand into uncooked rice

maryam8869 7

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Thursday 30 August 2012 13:54

shopping :D

oddling 6

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Monday 25 July 2016 17:23

dipping your hand into COOKED RICE

olpally 32

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:38

Nerves always get the best of everyone usually the first time. my nervousness got to me. It gets better the more you do it.

missea5756 6

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Tuesday 8 January 2013 20:37

Yeah I agree nerves do get you the first time!!

garytg 3

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Wednesday 22 August 2012 22:38

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Ameel_fml 19

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Thursday 23 August 2012 3:38

It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

lazyfoo92 4

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Thursday 23 August 2012 4:14

unless you have a super small boat in the ocean..

UsernameHere234 13

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Thursday 23 August 2012 16:10

Length actually doesn't matter all that much because the vagina only has pleasure receptors up to 4 inches deep (which is about avg penis size). What actually does make a difference is girth.