Health: Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on... - FML

By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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Season finale

Rich people problems

No Gods, No Masters

By snoozer - United States

Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By Just Me - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

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By Username

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By sullry

Great solution

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

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By LaurahLunatic - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

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By Calimero0

All-natural, Facebook-sourced, Mother-in-law

Today, my mother-in-law thinks she's the only person in the world who can stop the coronavirus crisis. So far, she has brought thyme, honey, lemons, parsley, ridiculously expensive and poisonous silver water and, of course, the cure-all: berry juice. You'd wonder how I have managed to keep my family alive until now. FML

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By MyLife

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By Ahook1 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By ch - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

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By Boner Ben

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By Francoise3 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2021 08:01

Sophie's choice

Today, after months and months of putting up with bleeding, I have made the connection that, if I orgasm, I will bleed the following day for days at a time, regardless of whether or not I should be on my period. FML

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By redlips - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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By acw2110 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

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By cwhitney7 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By Forded - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 05:08

Targeted

Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

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By theRoomie - United States

Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML

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By anon - 7/2/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML

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By crimsoncon

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherbrooke

Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML

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By Snorlax - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

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By just physical - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By WhoLikesPie - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By ThanksAsshole

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By shake666 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By OakStake - United States - New York

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

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By toothache - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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Top comments

By sallen0046 | 4

#1233957 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Welcome to working in a hospital. Older people assume everyone in the building is in the medical field. Be glad this is the worst thing you were asked to help with.

By Brittney_E | 0

#1234351 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:08

Grandmas gone WILD!!
;D

COMMENTS

By jennisrad | 0

#1233657 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

hahahahah (:

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1233897 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:23

you know you LOVED it.

Reply

moofin123456 | 0

#1233975 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:27

I bet op got a boner...

Reply

sarah48_fml | 0

#1234115 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:39

I dislike old people for this exact reason.. they complain about everything, or at least the ones that come into my work..

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234157 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:44

#16 I bet the op is a women too.

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234174 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:45

*woman

Reply

19eightyeight | 4

#1234230 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:51

19 u are hot as hell.

Reply

Brittney_E | 0

#1234351 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:08

Grandmas gone WILD!!
;D

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1234411 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:16

its funny because you had to help a random ass old lady get dressed

Reply

mebecatie | 0

#1234473 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:24

ewwwwwww...>___>old wrinkly naked lady body. have fun with that...

Reply

jizzho | 0

#1234493 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:27

#8 isint your picture from south park?

Reply

Nena713 | 0

#1234510 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:30

No #20, the OP is a male.

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234642 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:55

i know I was kidding

Reply

zZsleeperrZz | 0

#1234738 - Friday 13 August 2010 11:31

I once saw my grandma naked. by accident, of course. old people look oddly like a...prune. yuck. bad mental image

Reply

mshoes12346 | 3

#1235551 - Friday 13 August 2010 15:40

its funny cuz he hesitated

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1235904 - Friday 13 August 2010 17:00

you should have run out before she claims sex harassment. your word against hers

Reply

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#1236301 - Friday 13 August 2010 18:59

GET SOME.

Reply

zanguard | 0

#1239014 - Saturday 14 August 2010 4:34

ydi for letting prunes boss you around

Reply

OwN3d3d | 0

#1239743 - Saturday 14 August 2010 8:01

old ppl burning old ppl burning put ur hands up old ppl burning old ppl burning its kinda messed up

jon lajoie search: i kill people on Youtube

By immja | 0

#1233663 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

Nasty...

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1233697 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:09

Old hag.

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1233701 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:09

YDI for hesitating; you should have covered that ancient hag right away.

YDI for not ravishing her (fornicate!).

YDI for performing your job in a hospital; nothing good comes from those places. NOTHING.

YDI for installing TVs. That ain't working. You get your money for nothing and your chicks for free...

Reply

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1235374 - Friday 13 August 2010 14:43

You're in dire straits if you don't catch that reference.

Actually, if you ARE in Dire Straits, you'd damned well better catch it...

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#1235803 - Friday 13 August 2010 16:35

I totally agree with the first one, Trollz.

Reply

xtfauthorx | 0

#1236219 - Friday 13 August 2010 18:41

TROLOLOLOLOL

Reply

WoahBeanyBabiez | 5

#1245760 - Sunday 15 August 2010 14:34

Stupid crap head

By debbster7 | 18

#1233731 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:13

haha! u shoulda put the clothes on her!

By GROWNsimba | 0

#1233793 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:18

all I can say is... get a new job

By Twigggy | 0

#1233845 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:20

Why didn't you call for help? creepy old lady... i need an adult i need an adult!

Reply

ThisRandomChild | 0

#2649755 - Thursday 9 June 2011 21:12

ROFLMFAO!

By FMLattes | 0

#1233904 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:23

Oh. Uhm. Ack.

By cvspartan101 | 1

#1233955 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Now that image is burned into your mind isn't it...

By sallen0046 | 4

#1233957 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Welcome to working in a hospital. Older people assume everyone in the building is in the medical field. Be glad this is the worst thing you were asked to help with.