Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on... - FML

By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Freshman blues

By kenz - United States

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

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By Recovering Alcoholic - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, half of my motivation to stop drinking is so that my tolerance will go down, because I currently can't actually afford enough alcohol to get even tipsy anymore. FML

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By Dunzo15 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By facepalm - Singapore

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By Crumpet - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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By whoops - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

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By uninspired - United States

Today, my cheater of an ex-boyfriend sent me one of his many messages proclaiming his new-found love for me, and in the middle of it asked me how my period was going. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By OhNo - United Kingdom

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

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By Marian - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

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By nevercatchabreak - United States - Burgettstown

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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By loser - United States

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

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By aylla - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

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By valarmorgoolies - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

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By kvdfan - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Shantoya - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

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By JustAGiftCardPlease - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 17:01

Nutritious

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

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By mapollis - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was: "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML

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By familyofpsychos - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

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By ineedbetterfriends - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

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By fucking fuck it fucking hurts - United States

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

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By ThatSped - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 23:04

Poker Face

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

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By derbyboy - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Why me? - United States - Wilmington

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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Top comments

By sallen0046 | 4

#1233957 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Welcome to working in a hospital. Older people assume everyone in the building is in the medical field. Be glad this is the worst thing you were asked to help with.

By Brittney_E | 0

#1234351 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:08

Grandmas gone WILD!!
;D

COMMENTS

By jennisrad | 0

#1233657 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

hahahahah (:

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1233897 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:23

you know you LOVED it.

Reply

moofin123456 | 0

#1233975 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:27

I bet op got a boner...

Reply

sarah48_fml | 0

#1234115 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:39

I dislike old people for this exact reason.. they complain about everything, or at least the ones that come into my work..

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234157 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:44

#16 I bet the op is a women too.

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234174 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:45

*woman

Reply

19eightyeight | 4

#1234230 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:51

19 u are hot as hell.

Reply

Brittney_E | 0

#1234351 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:08

Grandmas gone WILD!!
;D

Reply

quent10 | 0

#1234411 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:16

its funny because you had to help a random ass old lady get dressed

Reply

mebecatie | 0

#1234473 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:24

ewwwwwww...>___>old wrinkly naked lady body. have fun with that...

Reply

jizzho | 0

#1234493 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:27

#8 isint your picture from south park?

Reply

Nena713 | 0

#1234510 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:30

No #20, the OP is a male.

Reply

zach55 | 0

#1234642 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:55

i know I was kidding

Reply

zZsleeperrZz | 0

#1234738 - Friday 13 August 2010 11:31

I once saw my grandma naked. by accident, of course. old people look oddly like a...prune. yuck. bad mental image

Reply

mshoes12346 | 3

#1235551 - Friday 13 August 2010 15:40

its funny cuz he hesitated

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1235904 - Friday 13 August 2010 17:00

you should have run out before she claims sex harassment. your word against hers

Reply

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#1236301 - Friday 13 August 2010 18:59

GET SOME.

Reply

zanguard | 0

#1239014 - Saturday 14 August 2010 4:34

ydi for letting prunes boss you around

Reply

OwN3d3d | 0

#1239743 - Saturday 14 August 2010 8:01

old ppl burning old ppl burning put ur hands up old ppl burning old ppl burning its kinda messed up

jon lajoie search: i kill people on Youtube

By immja | 0

#1233663 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:06

Nasty...

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1233697 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:09

Old hag.

By Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1233701 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:09

YDI for hesitating; you should have covered that ancient hag right away.

YDI for not ravishing her (fornicate!).

YDI for performing your job in a hospital; nothing good comes from those places. NOTHING.

YDI for installing TVs. That ain't working. You get your money for nothing and your chicks for free...

Reply

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1235374 - Friday 13 August 2010 14:43

You're in dire straits if you don't catch that reference.

Actually, if you ARE in Dire Straits, you'd damned well better catch it...

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#1235803 - Friday 13 August 2010 16:35

I totally agree with the first one, Trollz.

Reply

xtfauthorx | 0

#1236219 - Friday 13 August 2010 18:41

TROLOLOLOLOL

Reply

WoahBeanyBabiez | 5

#1245760 - Sunday 15 August 2010 14:34

Stupid crap head

By debbster7 | 18

#1233731 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:13

haha! u shoulda put the clothes on her!

By GROWNsimba | 0

#1233793 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:18

all I can say is... get a new job

By Twigggy | 0

#1233845 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:20

Why didn't you call for help? creepy old lady... i need an adult i need an adult!

Reply

ThisRandomChild | 0

#2649755 - Thursday 9 June 2011 21:12

ROFLMFAO!

By FMLattes | 0

#1233904 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:23

Oh. Uhm. Ack.

By cvspartan101 | 1

#1233955 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Now that image is burned into your mind isn't it...

By sallen0046 | 4

#1233957 - Friday 13 August 2010 9:26

Welcome to working in a hospital. Older people assume everyone in the building is in the medical field. Be glad this is the worst thing you were asked to help with.