Intimacy: Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was...

By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21469

You deserved it

67425

Favorite

Intimacy

Christine

They're all eggheads to me

Sad news

By Ava

Today, a jobless person felt sympathy for me because I work retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1842

You deserved it

228

Favorite

By Not-so-sexy - United States

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25218

You deserved it

6810

Favorite

By John - United States - Midway City

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3681

You deserved it

558

Favorite

By becca - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8353

You deserved it

39244

Favorite

By MadameM - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41997

You deserved it

9714

Favorite

By Boned...hard - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

26441

You deserved it

3600

Favorite

By loveinanelevator

Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38418

You deserved it

2675

Favorite

By EdgardoP - United States - Allentown

Today, I got a cramp while swimming. It took the lifeguard 5 minutes to stop flirting with a girl before trying to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29220

You deserved it

3519

Favorite

By 4evalone - United States

WTF dude?

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27251

You deserved it

1641

Favorite

By bcca - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24094

You deserved it

6308

Favorite

By idontgetit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13933

You deserved it

30521

Favorite

By Pho_Rheal - United States

Today, I got a phone call for a interview at Target at 4:30 pm. I got super excited, so I got dressed up and headed over there. I tell the manager that I am there for my interview. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. My friends had prank called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40763

You deserved it

3540

Favorite

By and not even in the good way - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46496

You deserved it

19864

Favorite

By bamrd - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11585

You deserved it

882

Favorite

By Perry85

Once again

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

856

You deserved it

3178

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49717

You deserved it

3629

Favorite

By Ido - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12209

You deserved it

3085

Favorite

By Talented73

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4055

You deserved it

363

Favorite

By NaKreen - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11113

You deserved it

31922

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered "nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16076

You deserved it

30045

Favorite

By Mug - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28626

You deserved it

2134

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28478

You deserved it

5627

Favorite

By betray the betrayer - 10/10/2020 17:02 - United States

Blabbermouth

Today, after a lifetime of my mom being a huge gossip, even about her own kids, and lying about being the one spreading it around, my siblings and I have decided to stop telling my mom things. Now she lays these huge guilt trips on us, just because we don’t want the world to know our business. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1135

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24054

You deserved it

2256

Favorite

By NotaDTfan

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4855

You deserved it

815

Favorite

By Catcrap! - United States - Rialto

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47215

You deserved it

6354

Favorite

By ClearOne - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19607

You deserved it

31915

Favorite

By bachelor - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43653

You deserved it

3663

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9845

You deserved it

48205

Favorite

By tootles - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48793

You deserved it

6217

Favorite

By Cassandra - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32542

You deserved it

12180

Favorite

By ouchers - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38243

You deserved it

338364

Favorite

By Rari - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14965

You deserved it

1264

Favorite

By thirddegreeburned - United States - Monroe

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30208

You deserved it

2606

Favorite

By Xandar

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3330

You deserved it

494

Favorite

By dannyboy1422 - United States

Today, we had a lockdown in our school for 2 hours because a man was sitting outside our school in his car with a gun in hand. I texted my mom telling her what was going on and that it's on the news. She responded saying "I'll tape it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35854

You deserved it

3635

Favorite

By sal - United States - Rexburg

Today, I had to finally accept that my husband is too large for me. Normally, it'd be a bragging point, except my private parts can't handle it. After several infections brought on after vaginal tearing, I'm having to choose between being in perpetual pain, or giving up my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54668

You deserved it

3999

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to perform with my Orchestra at an event. I hadn't eaten at all because I had to get my blood sugar tested. During the middle of a song I passed out. No one helped me and no one stopped playing "because the song wasn't over and they didn't want to ruin the performance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31577

You deserved it

6232

Favorite

By pool party - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33253

You deserved it

58919

Favorite

By Anonymous

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1502

You deserved it

134

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By UselessWeeaboo1 | 21

#7582543 - Friday 5 January 2018 4:07

First! On an fml from 2009. Seriously, what a stupid thing to tease your boyfriend about.

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7860987 - Thursday 21 November 2019 2:25

If your gonna hit the king you better kill the king, in all seriousness though you guys were teasing each other it's not really an FML unless it's true.

COMMENTS

By UselessWeeaboo1 | 21

#7582543 - Friday 5 January 2018 4:07

First! On an fml from 2009. Seriously, what a stupid thing to tease your boyfriend about.

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7860987 - Thursday 21 November 2019 2:25

If your gonna hit the king you better kill the king, in all seriousness though you guys were teasing each other it's not really an FML unless it's true.