By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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1458

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Understandable

Mother of the year

Decisions, decisions

By betray the betrayer - 10/10/2020 17:02 - United States

Blabbermouth

Today, after a lifetime of my mom being a huge gossip, even about her own kids, and lying about being the one spreading it around, my siblings and I have decided to stop telling my mom things. Now she lays these huge guilt trips on us, just because we don’t want the world to know our business. FML

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1135

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By Wrabel - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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32282

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9881

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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28120

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3101

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By Ah - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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21727

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6306

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By nightDREAMERms - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

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48631

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7488

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By hubby - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

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61491

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5769

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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40623

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2948

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By ItSucks - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

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42737

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7521

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By sharkiewarkiemoosey - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

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40399

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3997

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By LonelyStranger - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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2350

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204

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By Lola - France

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

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26473

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8328

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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3271

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213

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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46787

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5234

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By Katy

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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2312

Phew, glad it wasn't me

279

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By akimbojuju - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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25844

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2884

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By BaldingQuick - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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32481

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2634

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By babyfatt - Australia

Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

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12541

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27120

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

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29443

You deserved it

2978

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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33788

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14077

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 14:02 - Singapore - Singapore

No Gods, No Masters

Today, it's been 3 weeks of being sick with gastritis and constantly feeling pain and weak. I've been pushing myself to work, and despite doing 150+ files, my boss said it’s not good enough for the company and hinted I might be let go. I got my job during the pandemic and might be losing it after 3 months. FML

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1040

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By conley19 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

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35149

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4781

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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45740

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5242

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By siggit - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

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43579

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3139

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By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

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33507

You deserved it

41729

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By pogodrake - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

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30629

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2838

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By angrystudent - United States - Franklin

Today, I spent all day doing a project for myself and then for a friend who's sick. Turned out it was a prank everyone in the class was pulling on me. I missed a baseball game because of it. FML

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19485

You deserved it

2055

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By Anonymous - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

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22862

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3813

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By icefly - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

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16325

You deserved it

1062

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

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37550

You deserved it

3087

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By BOO!

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

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2074

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358

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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6748

You deserved it

558

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By Anon - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

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20948

You deserved it

1373

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By ouchmytits - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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45642

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4557

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By poseidon5213 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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24938

You deserved it

2614

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By Anonymous

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

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2315

You deserved it

204

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By anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

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45073

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4083

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 17:02

I smell winter

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

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660

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26395

You deserved it

50974

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By MB101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20175

You deserved it

5288

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By whywilson.. - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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13392

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25755

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Top comments

By AstroTurf Matador | 8

#7925245 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:34

This made me laugh.

Your boyfriend is hilarious.

By apeshit94 | 26

#7925247 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:58

Your boyfriend isn’t a SpongeBob fan or anything ...

COMMENTS

By AstroTurf Matador | 8

#7925245 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:34

This made me laugh.

Your boyfriend is hilarious.

By apeshit94 | 26

#7925247 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:58

Your boyfriend isn’t a SpongeBob fan or anything ...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7925290 - Saturday 25 July 2020 11:13

His dick is named Patrick?

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7925371 - Saturday 25 July 2020 19:40

that's hilarious. you need to get a sense of humor

By FireMars | 14

#7925377 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:03

I would've burst our laughing, amazing reference haha

By DukavichIsADick | 3

#7925379 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:04

A buddy of mine started singing “I came in like a wrecking ball!” When cumming in some random girl 😂

spinspinsugar | 11

#7925414 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:45

my husband uses that song about our relationship cuz I came in like a home-wrecking ball cuz he had a girl

nemcali | 34

#7925448 - Sunday 26 July 2020 2:24

I wanna marry your mate!

By Jennifer Cunningham | 4

#7925381 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:09

I don't get it

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7925399 - Saturday 25 July 2020 21:29

It's a Spongebob reference. Patrick answers the phone while working at the Krusty Krab, and when the caller asks "Is this the Krusty Krab?", Patrick replies "No, this is Patrick." before hanging up. It happens a couple more times, with Patrick getting increasingly mad, and when he mutters to himself "I'm not a Krusty Krab", Spongebob points out that it's the name of the restaurant.

By spinspinsugar | 11

#7925413 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:42

omfg 🤣

By Josh Johnson | 8

#7925417 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:50

Might have been funnier if you’d seen that episode of Spongebob? Not sure who’s Krab is Krusty in your case. Gosh, who has crabs....bleh

Phone Rings
Cust: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick!

By diraven | 13

#7925985 - Monday 27 July 2020 20:16

Must've gotten a wrong number