By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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Lockdown is driving us down

Go anyway, see the sights

Cloth ears

By smashyonewfloors - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

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By jogginglikeitsmyjob - United States - Boston

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

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By haveahappyperiod

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

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By okseñoryoucrazy - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I would be embarrassed if she got a tramp stamp. FML

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By Username

Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML

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By Oh_baby - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

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By blocked - United States

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

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27511

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By this guy - United States - Alhambra

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

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By Gurl - Ireland - Dublin

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

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By Jif_Creamy - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

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By Reeen - United States - Pittsboro

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

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17558

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By Mr. FootInMouth - 23/11/2020 07:56

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I learned that my brother has been secretly married to his girlfriend for over a year. That means that during Christmas break, when I told him that she was a "toxic bitch" and that he should leave her before she drags him down with her, they had already been married for 6 months. FML

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By rozsrredd - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend told my four-year-old sister that "fatass" means "beautiful lady." I didn't know about this until I took my sister shopping with me. The woman at the till said she was adorable; my sister replied, "Thanks, fatass." FML

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By TLT - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By blah - United States

Today, I had a bunch of parties while my parents were out of town. I made sure to clean up absolutely everything, I even vacuumed the stairs. As they pulled up, I noticed all of the trash bags filled with beer cans blocking their way into the garage. FML

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By MyLifeSucks - United States - Houston

Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. That's our local sports team. FML

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34877

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By blabla - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

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By sostupid - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

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By seadrick - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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By MexyBoy - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML

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By ShootMe

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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3203

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By goldenpuppy - United States - Somerville

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

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13030

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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13710

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By speechless - United States

Today, I have laryngitis and can’t speak at all. I went to make myself some breakfast and my mom kept asking me questions, to which I replied with nods and head shakes. She said, in a condescending voice, that I need to use my “big girl words” and will keep using her “baby voice” until I do so. FML

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2792

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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767

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By Fatty - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. FML

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1421

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By notgreg - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

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Top comments

By AstroTurf Matador | 6

#7925245 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:34

This made me laugh.

Your boyfriend is hilarious.

By apeshit94 | 26

#7925247 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:58

Your boyfriend isn’t a SpongeBob fan or anything ...

COMMENTS

By AstroTurf Matador | 6

#7925245 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:34

This made me laugh.

Your boyfriend is hilarious.

By apeshit94 | 26

#7925247 - Saturday 25 July 2020 8:58

Your boyfriend isn’t a SpongeBob fan or anything ...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7925290 - Saturday 25 July 2020 11:13

His dick is named Patrick?

By Crowned Sataness | 3

#7925371 - Saturday 25 July 2020 19:40

that's hilarious. you need to get a sense of humor

By FireMars | 13

#7925377 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:03

I would've burst our laughing, amazing reference haha

By DukavichIsADick | 3

#7925379 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:04

A buddy of mine started singing “I came in like a wrecking ball!” When cumming in some random girl 😂

spinspinsugar | 9

#7925414 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:45

my husband uses that song about our relationship cuz I came in like a home-wrecking ball cuz he had a girl

nemcali | 34

#7925448 - Sunday 26 July 2020 2:24

I wanna marry your mate!

By Jennifer Cunningham | 4

#7925381 - Saturday 25 July 2020 20:09

I don't get it

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7925399 - Saturday 25 July 2020 21:29

It's a Spongebob reference. Patrick answers the phone while working at the Krusty Krab, and when the caller asks "Is this the Krusty Krab?", Patrick replies "No, this is Patrick." before hanging up. It happens a couple more times, with Patrick getting increasingly mad, and when he mutters to himself "I'm not a Krusty Krab", Spongebob points out that it's the name of the restaurant.

By spinspinsugar | 9

#7925413 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:42

omfg 🤣

By Josh Johnson | 8

#7925417 - Saturday 25 July 2020 22:50

Might have been funnier if you’d seen that episode of Spongebob? Not sure who’s Krab is Krusty in your case. Gosh, who has crabs....bleh

Phone Rings
Cust: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick!

By diraven | 10

#7925985 - Monday 27 July 2020 20:16

Must've gotten a wrong number