Epitaph - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 1 473

Epitaph

By Anonymous - 16/05/2020 14:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 1 287

Stop talking!

Batman

You tried

08/03/2010 15:12

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 551

You deserved it 4 961

09/09/2009 23:11

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 925

You deserved it 5 076

PANIC

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:11

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I'd fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 340

You deserved it 11 868

07/08/2019 18:00

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 109

03/02/2014 21:29

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 299

You deserved it 6 666

02/04/2014 21:22

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 040

You deserved it 6 859

18/11/2013 15:26

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 116

You deserved it 19 373

31/05/2013 18:47

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 393

You deserved it 4 448

29/11/2010 18:02

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 464

You deserved it 3 732

27/09/2012 11:37

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 006

You deserved it 8 219

Money first

By Anonymus - 31/01/2020 20:00

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 306

Spy vs. Spy

By Anonymous - 30/09/2020 05:01

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 140

23/09/2009 12:08

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 883

You deserved it 39 376

28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 881

You deserved it 204

02/07/2015 03:10

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 644

You deserved it 2 429

New, from L'Oréal!

By oompaloompa - 28/10/2019 12:00

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 246

You deserved it 437

Snoopy

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 14:04

Today, I thought it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's Facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex-girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 264

You deserved it 36 907

17/04/2009 18:42

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 762

You deserved it 7 326

Scarred

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 14:00

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 149

23/03/2016 06:32

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 104

You deserved it 1 541

Sobering

By Imnotfromhere - 13/06/2021 16:01

Today, I went to a bar to celebrate my 26th birthday. I got ripped off by the bartender all night because she secretly gave me non-alcoholic versions of my drinks. Apparently I look like I'm 16, so she thought my ID was fake. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 162

18/09/2013 14:53

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 663

You deserved it 18 694

09/09/2009 13:37

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 244

You deserved it 43 597

26/01/2017 00:00

Spicy

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 163

You deserved it 1 532

02/10/2010 04:28

Spicy

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 395

You deserved it 41 092

27/05/2009 02:19

Today, my most difficult task at work was three hole punching a 500 page document so somebody could put it in a binder on their shelf and not read it. I have a $150,000 education. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 661

You deserved it 7 842

27/08/2013 18:13

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 225

You deserved it 20 702

07/03/2009 12:03

Spicy

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 167 688

06/08/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 189

Don't Give Up

By Anonymous - 10/02/2021 12:01

Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 167

Proud boy

By Spaghetto - 10/10/2021 05:00

Today, I had an argument with my brother after discovering his new Confederate flag tattoo. His main response was, "It's about heritage, not hate!" We're third generation Italians from New Jersey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 122

07/01/2013 06:09

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 400

You deserved it 6 661

30/04/2009 17:42

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 178

You deserved it 101 828

Growing pains

By mirie - 20/05/2021 08:01

Today, it occurred to me that it’s not normal that I still fit into all my clothes from when I was in high school. I’m 24 and I haven’t outgrown any of my clothes since I was 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 120

16/03/2010 20:51

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 264

You deserved it 5 151

30/05/2009 12:48

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 337

You deserved it 71 623

03/06/2016 22:14

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 449

You deserved it 1 051

16/06/2011 05:42

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 954

You deserved it 6 536

03/09/2013 06:31

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 424

You deserved it 12 075

23/03/2015 02:24

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 244

You deserved it 2 904

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Saturday 16 May 2020 15:06

You asked...

Dominique Kartouw 2

Saturday 16 May 2020 14:09

Well that's pretty cute if you ask me. My boyfriend always liked skinny girls and I'm pretty overweight, but he always says he doesn't want me to change. Loves them chubbiness. If he'd call me lumpy space princess, I'd be like aaawh, haha

Comments

Dominique Kartouw 2

Saturday 16 May 2020 14:09

Well that's pretty cute if you ask me. My boyfriend always liked skinny girls and I'm pretty overweight, but he always says he doesn't want me to change. Loves them chubbiness. If he'd call me lumpy space princess, I'd be like aaawh, haha

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Saturday 16 May 2020 15:06

You asked...

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Saturday 16 May 2020 15:45

You asked for honest. Would you rather he had lied and said no? You can’t have it both ways. If you were going to be butthurt about it you shouldn’t have asked at all. You probably made him feel awkward about it. Men really don’t like being asked questions like that.

ChibiChibi_fml 27

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Saturday 16 May 2020 17:16

I'm torn on this one. One one hand, you did ask and he answered On the other hand I feel like he could have stopped with "Yes, but it's fine/ok" rather than adding the bit about being his "Lumpy space princess". Being ok with being told honestly that you have gained weight is not exactly the same as being ok with being given weight gain related pet names. That's without going into the fact that "Lumpy" doesn't make me think "gained weight", it makes me think "Mutated and malformed, bumps where bumps should not normally be" or basically Igor with disease in addition to a hump.

Sady_Ct 37

Sunday 17 May 2020 3:51

It’s from Adventure Time... the purple princess cloud.

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Sunday 17 May 2020 22:47

I think you have a point and i was thinking the same thing. everyone is write about, you asked but the lumpy space princess is going overboard. But she is probably fml more for the fact that she knows she really is overweight and isnt blaming him for just being honest

ChibiChibi_fml 27

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Saturday 23 May 2020 10:32

That actually doesn't make it any better. Having now looked it up that thing is freaky looking so it actually kind of further supports my point.

Yolanda Patrice Evans 17

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Saturday 16 May 2020 18:58

Stop asking questions that you know will hurt your feelings. You already knew you gained weight lol that’s why you asked 😅

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Saturday 16 May 2020 20:28

you asked he answered, he obviously still loves you anyway so dont be all sad about it... use it to drove you to better yourself and stay with that man who loves you even though you've put some weight on!!!

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Saturday 16 May 2020 21:00

I just SMH at this... do you want him to be honest or lie? Stop asking this unless you can handle the truth.

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Saturday 16 May 2020 22:40

THAT is like the caviar of romance. KEEP HIM because he is the best anyone will ever get.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Saturday 16 May 2020 23:40

at least he's a keeper

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Saturday 16 May 2020 23:45

at least he's a keeper