Intimacy: Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching...

By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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Intimacy

Late term

Tidy your room

Supply and demand

By Santa - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

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By [email protected]

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

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By veiny - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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31535

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By sleeplessinID - United States

Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

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By TooLoud - United States - Moorpark

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. Everything was going perfectly, right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news. When I excused myself to the restroom, I overheard his mom say, "I thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut?" Welcome to the family. FML

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By moms know best??? - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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By pregnant loser apparently - United States - Franklin

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

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By screwed - 11/3/2020 23:00

Bad choice of material, dude

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FM

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By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By hey-o - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By Sad elf - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

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By Anon

Today, I went camping. The night was calm and quiet, so we went to our separate tents to sleep. I closed my eyes, listening to the distant waves and my father playing porn in the tent beside me. FML

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By chloecamp - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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56128

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By Electro - United States - Nashua

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

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21088

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By pizzachest - Canada

Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML

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31262

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By VtecKickIn - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By bornfromhillbillies - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mothers funeral to cheer up, I was depressing him. FML

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By GavinHosler - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By Gage

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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By TheRunaway21 - United States

Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

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By Cookie_monster - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

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By cplaner - United States

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year old boy. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

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By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By supertango500 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By konichiwa - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

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By campmom

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

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By regret - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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1891

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By BFons - United States - Newark

Today, my wife and I are about to move across the country when the landlord for our new house called and said a water line busted and flooded the house. The movers are coming tomorrow. FML

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31847

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By chippuh - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

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By Battlebarney - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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12385

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By Anonymous - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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Top comments

By zidane312 | 0

#2584 - Monday 16 February 2009 9:21

theres nothing better than getting a blow job inbetween search and destroy respawns

By bobdole | 0

#2506 - Monday 16 February 2009 3:28

I'm sorry but CoD 4 might be the best game ever made.

COMMENTS

By bobdole | 0

#2506 - Monday 16 February 2009 3:28

I'm sorry but CoD 4 might be the best game ever made.

raney150 | 0

#997056 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 3:05

so wrong

metroid3802 | 0

#1004278 - Sunday 23 May 2010 20:29

Wrong

Macromartyr | 3

#1024674 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 7:03

Umm right!, Halo was a historic game (Master chief is the second most recognized videos game character, Mario is first) and COD has overtaken Halo in online players. Aside from the facts, it's just an awesome fucking game!

zasls84 | 0

#1772782 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 9:14

halo is much better. not some generic war game.

ThorneCrossed | 9

#2768616 - Monday 27 June 2011 7:43

oblivion is 100x better than cod4 and halo

golfer_boi | 10

#4201636 - Thursday 22 March 2012 21:38

Skyrim is 500 fucking times better

udeserveditbro69 | 0

#4470845 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 5:05

I should kill you for that. But I'm not. Because you obviously have never played a real game or had a life. So once you do that; sleep with on eye open.