Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My...

By Don’t Think About It. - 26/08/2019 16:00

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 201

Hiding from the drama

Thanks UPSDHLFML

Paternity test before the rest

By lakb - 13/12/2010 15:27

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 527

You deserved it 25 872

By Toilettrash - 06/07/2012 10:51 - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 879

You deserved it 2 867

By Anonymous - 04/10/2018 15:30

Today, my 6'8" Russian friend picked me up, a 5'0" petite girl. This would be fine if he hadn't been startled by a moth and dropped me down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 038

You deserved it 219

By panos016 - 15/07/2011 13:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 511

You deserved it 9 872

Just a prank, again

By momaaa1342 - 21/10/2013 03:51 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 655

You deserved it 3 590

By WorkerBee - 17/03/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 155

By blonde moment - 23/06/2019 14:23

Today, while talking to a friend, I momentarily forgot the word for archery and instead called it, “Bow-and-Arrow Jutsu.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 514

By Anonymous - 04/02/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 663

You deserved it 11 850

By Alexandra - 20/09/2011 08:25 - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 496

You deserved it 8 934

Karma chameleon

By Douche - 31/07/2020 23:01

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 069

You deserved it 1 849

By parisklutz - 20/10/2012 07:06 - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 425

You deserved it 3 256

By pits - 05/01/2015 04:30

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 714

You deserved it 4 916

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 971

You deserved it 10 580

By oncehipjr - 03/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 279

You deserved it 4 509

Goddammit, Facebook!

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 23:01 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he isn't sure about me anymore. He said he saw a quote on Facebook that a guy can be with a girl for 10 years, then leave, and be with a girl for one and marry that girl. Meanwhile, I've been planning on the rest of my life with him in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 106

You deserved it 7 692

By storksleuth - 04/10/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 839

You deserved it 5 558

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 13:33 - Germany

Today, I worked in a clinic as a intern. A nurse was called to dry a woman's hair. I followed her, trying to be a good intern. After the nurse was done, the 72 year old woman took off her bathrobe. While looking at me she sat down, her legs wide open. And, yes, she knew she was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 350

You deserved it 3 397

By NotYourTracy - 30/10/2018 13:30

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 323

You deserved it 665

By Anonymous - 23/09/2012 17:28 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mom heard on TV that teens need at least ten hours of sleep a day. Now she makes me go to bed at 7pm. I told her I can't finish my homework in time, and my grades will suffer. She wouldn't listen. Last week, she threatened to punish me if I don't get straight As this semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 702

You deserved it 1 973

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 385

You deserved it 10 178

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 854

By Anonymous - 24/08/2014 21:19 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 674

You deserved it 3 477

Hypocrisy

By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/07/2020 02:02

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 149

Innocence project

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 00:01

Today, my son-in-law slapped my daughter, so I put him in an armhold and threw him outside. My daughter refused to press charges so he got away, but then he pressed charges against me for hitting his head against the wall when I threw him, so I got arrested instead. Justice is a shitting joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 323

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 790

You deserved it 7 292

By thanks a lot mom - 28/12/2014 06:52 - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 087

You deserved it 3 393

By glowstick - 30/06/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my dog ate my little brothers medication. I spent all morning trying to make him throw it up, but it wasn't working so I took him to the animal hospital, which was in a different city. $150 in poison control and vet bills later, I found the pill we thought he ate stuck under his paw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 583

You deserved it 8 171

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 1 892

By anonymous - 12/10/2011 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me for a chick I shared a hospital room with for 2 months. I introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 673

You deserved it 3 749

By wardsl195 - 30/12/2015 05:55 - United States - Seaford

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 361

You deserved it 3 781

By annoymous - 07/02/2017 06:00 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 610

You deserved it 716

By justfired - 29/09/2009 02:57 - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 218

You deserved it 3 182

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 21:17 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 266

You deserved it 2 068

By mymomsstupid - 29/06/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 103

You deserved it 3 729

By bjevilcat2 - 18/10/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 193

You deserved it 4 524

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 837

You deserved it 3 547

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 279

You deserved it 56 009

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 21:30

Today, and for the last 4 days, my 19-year-old son has been wearing a metal full face skull helmet and a black robe, and has renamed himself Beast. He also bought a sword from god knows where and refuses to leave the house, because the outside scares him. I may need an exorcist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 203

What? How? Why?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 22:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I smashed my finger with a hammer. A finger on the hand holding the hammer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 275

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 26 August 2019 17:13

"That's more mouth action down there than I get from you, Bucko!"

kujiens101 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 27 August 2019 6:40

I assume it’s like a splinter. Your skin cells degrade it until it falls out.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 26 August 2019 17:13

"That's more mouth action down there than I get from you, Bucko!"

samomaha 17

Tuesday 27 August 2019 0:03

Well, your boyfriend is right, so . . . yeah.

kujiens101 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 27 August 2019 6:40

I assume it’s like a splinter. Your skin cells degrade it until it falls out.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 27 August 2019 17:21

only if its not a wiping slap

DrSamba 7

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 August 2019 7:13

You're fine. I have lived (among other places) in New Hampshire and Florida a combined total of 40 years. If embedded mosquito probosces (?) never degraded, I'd be a human pincushion by now.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 10

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 166

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 93