Love: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends,... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/04/2013 16:02 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends, though, so he can continue to use my coffee maker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 118

You deserved it 4 705

Leave us alone

Walk the line

Wise kid

By 12345678 - 31/12/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 436

You deserved it 5 680

By XxespoxX - 11/05/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 027

You deserved it 101 854

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 17:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 175

You deserved it 2 940

By monster in law. - 17/12/2014 07:35 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 199

You deserved it 3 412

By costcocondoms - 23/07/2009 05:23 - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 864

You deserved it 9 605

By Brad - 07/09/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 201

Hungry boi

By jesstracy - 04/10/2017 09:00 - United States - Naperville

Spicy

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 805

You deserved it 1 139

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 12:54 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 515

You deserved it 4 961

By EggHead - 03/05/2014 04:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 275

You deserved it 36 372

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 467

You deserved it 23 012

By amber - 13/03/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 755

You deserved it 17 682

By marshmallowssss - 11/03/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 958

You deserved it 9 329

By Jugan - 19/10/2012 21:44 - France - Vaulx-milieu

Today, I discovered a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decided to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticed that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 426

You deserved it 39 223

Bad, so bad

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 07:20 - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 826

You deserved it 2 317

By thatsjustlovely - 01/01/2010 08:16 - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 580

You deserved it 36 851

By 20lbknockout - 20/10/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was exercising, laid on my back, lifting weights over my head. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to casually sit by my feet and suddenly tickle them mercilessly. Caught off guard, I started wiggling, laughed and dropped the weights. On my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 017

You deserved it 3 523

By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 660

You deserved it 3 790

By probably not getting the job - 09/03/2015 05:44 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, I applied for a job at a local store. As I walked out the door, I heard the manager read it out loud and everybody else laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 450

You deserved it 2 661

By EffinAhole - 03/10/2010 04:27 - France

Spicy

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 060

You deserved it 36 738

By Anonymous - 16/02/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 299

You deserved it 2 521

By foreveravirgin - 15/08/2012 19:07 - United States - New Orleans

Spicy

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 609

You deserved it 7 262

By robthebuilder - 26/10/2010 06:35 - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 728

You deserved it 2 455

By not eyelid - 20/09/2016 19:53 - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 039

You deserved it 5 472

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 653

You deserved it 4 151

Landlords need love too

By Anonymous - 18/09/2021 19:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I started my weekend right… outside my grandmother's house, trying to repair her yard. The senile landlord came by and trashed it. This isn't the first time. He's pushing 90 years-old, so it's hard to tell if he has dementia or if he's doing it on purpose. All I want to know is, why hasn't he retired? FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 43

By Goody2shoes - 21/07/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 756

You deserved it 47 053

By Username - 22/06/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 124

You deserved it 4 176

By oops - 19/08/2013 16:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 273

You deserved it 7 274

By Anonymous - 27/03/2013 08:00 - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 880

You deserved it 5 973

By xRyu - 09/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 166

You deserved it 2 833

By Anonymous - 15/06/2015 02:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 612

You deserved it 2 395

By Anonymous - 15/08/2012 04:04 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 412

You deserved it 2 517

By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 194

You deserved it 3 894

By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 979

You deserved it 5 081

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 235

You deserved it 9 011

By wowthatwould - 04/12/2011 21:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 346

You deserved it 46 542

By shoelace18 - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 805

You deserved it 5 928

Modern romance...

By Anonymous - 29/11/2017 15:31

Today, I sent a great-quality booty pic to two of my love interests. Instead of sending it individually, I accidentally made a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 8 573

That's no excuse

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 08:00

Today, a customer yelled at me because I wouldn’t sell her a boneless chicken bucket with extra fries, beans, coleslaw and Pepsi. I work at Subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 58

By FailMan - 17/01/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 035

You deserved it 55 594

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:52

Change your locks. He can buy his own coffee maker.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:54

Sounds legit. As a fellow caffeine addict, this makes perfect sense to me. Sure, there's the heartache of losing you, but why should he suffer the caffeine-withdrawal headache, too? You may not be together anymore, but you still can grind with him ;)

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:52

Change your locks. He can buy his own coffee maker.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 2:30

I don't think that's what "friends with benefits" is all about.

LightningCactus 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 4:13

No, if it were friends with benefits, she would also have to supply the mugs.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 7:33

It all depends if ursine of those makers with the disks you gotta share. Those things are awesome

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 10:16

Yea, YDI for dating a guy without his own coffee maker!

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:54

Sounds legit. As a fellow caffeine addict, this makes perfect sense to me. Sure, there's the heartache of losing you, but why should he suffer the caffeine-withdrawal headache, too? You may not be together anymore, but you still can grind with him ;)

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:49

This is exactly what I am thinking!

harrypotter955 19

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:54

Poison his coffee. It's that easy.

theunbeatableram 3

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 April 2013 8:19

You and your psychopath mind.

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:56

Sounds like he's preparing for divorce, if he were to get one. "You can keep the cat, I want the coffee maker!"

cupcakechick 17

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:37

they arent married....

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 0:57

It does say boyfriend not husband.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 1:02

I know it said boyfriend, not husband. When I said "if he gets one" I meant it in a future sense

Fluffydemise 18

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:57

Throw some money at him and direct him to a cafe. Guy sounds unbelievably up himself.

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:32

He should use his own damn money..

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:38

or throw some slaps and make him use his own money

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 15:14

Or just forget about him. You have options now.

Mylifemaysuck 6

Send a private message

Saturday 27 April 2013 0:07

He should have his own money, and if he's broke, then she should leave him to rot on the sidewalk.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 22:59

Switch to tea.

Fluffydemise 18

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:02

Sage advice, tea is infinitely better than coffee. Deterring your ex can almost be considered an aside to the wonderful joys of tea drinking.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 2:39

#44, yes, but when you want to spite someone, you have to make some sacrifices.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 April 2013 20:26

She'd have to hide the coffee maker for a bit and say she gave it away. Otherwise he'll say since she quit coffee, she doesn't need the coffee maker.

limitedition 25

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:01

What a douche. you must have an amazing coffee maker..

JessiKitty_lol 7

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:29

Exactly what I was thinking.

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:01

Consider it a good thing then you're not with him then if all he sees you good for is making coffee. Don't worry you'll find a man who instead of stealing your coffee, wakes you up with a fresh cup in bed!

emilyjgraham 34

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:11

The sad part is she doesn't even make it! He just loves the machine. :(

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:01

The best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

Send a private message

Monday 15 April 2013 23:01

you have to understand it's hard to find a good coffee maker, even harder to get used to a new one. have some compassion

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 83

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 87