Love: Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who... - FML

By Toilettrash - 06/07/2012 10:51 - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 879

You deserved it 2 867

Sorry…

Leave us alone

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Anonymous - 15/05/2009 11:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a local business with the owner who was man, and the manager who was a woman. I thought I did pretty well because I heard the manager whisper so, as I was walking out. Then I heard the owner whisper "no fat chicks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 493

You deserved it 6 803

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Spicy

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 135

You deserved it 2 655

Fresh air

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 02:00

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 475

You deserved it 357

This ain't gonna end well

By Anonymous - 13/09/2019 12:04

Today, my partner of 5 years and I sat down to talk because I expressed hope for a proposal in near future. He instead believed that we should wait, and talk about a potential future for us in another two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 250

By Anon - 12/01/2012 19:24 - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 406

You deserved it 5 342

By NotYourCopyEditor - 06/05/2019 22:00

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 772

You deserved it 164

By Cate - 05/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 438

You deserved it 3 369

By can you read? - 08/04/2016 19:55 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 942

You deserved it 1 657

By Anonymous - 30/05/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 417

You deserved it 6 793

By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Spicy

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 805

You deserved it 11 837

By Anonymous - 19/07/2019 06:01

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 949

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 05:32 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 301

You deserved it 2 608

By BleakExpectations - 12/03/2017 16:00

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 851

You deserved it 587

By Bacular - 06/02/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 044

You deserved it 5 910

Persona non grata

By soupcrackers - 07/10/2020 04:57

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 413

By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 255

You deserved it 3 495

Showtime

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 271

By whovian - 25/12/2014 15:17 - United States - Gorham

Spicy

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 401

You deserved it 4 590

By Doggy... - 10/11/2011 05:56 - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 679

You deserved it 9 862

The nickname that sticks

By ap84 - 27/02/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 657

You deserved it 5 609

You just don't understand art

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 23:16

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 102

By nyaahaha - 02/09/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 048

You deserved it 20 660

What a question…

By Anonymous - 04/02/2015 03:53 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 986

You deserved it 47 581

By smellybelly - 02/03/2012 06:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 150

You deserved it 4 562

By WhatTheFuck - 30/07/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 1 753

By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/08/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 991

You deserved it 8 242

By Weezylover - 26/05/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 620

You deserved it 7 953

The fertility dance worked

By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 317

The more the merrier

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 1 657

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 409

You deserved it 3 702

By EnglandRocks - 12/03/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 245

You deserved it 2 746

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 544

You deserved it 9 004

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 808

You deserved it 6 848

Deal with it

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 22:02 - Argentina - Mar De Ajo

Today, apparently having mood swings at 37 weeks pregnant is being "braggy" according to my husband, and totally not acceptable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 20:04 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 078

You deserved it 17 087

By Lentil - 31/01/2012 13:13 - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 241

You deserved it 3 909

Run Away

By dman92 - 09/04/2017 14:24

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 691

You deserved it 374

Family Ties

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 12:00 - Australia

Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 609

You deserved it 364

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 333

You deserved it 2 309

Droopy

By creepingjennie - 05/06/2020 02:00

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 505

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Top comments

KommanderKush420 5

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:54

You got dumped while he was taking a dump. He made two dumps at once.

TheWindowLicker 13

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:53

I'm posting this so there's one less spot for a shit related pun. You can thank me later. Also good for you op. Thats some low class shit right there. Do you really want that in your life?

Comments

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:53

What an idiot!

MindFreakazoid 10

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:57

For many reasons. At least you didn't have to see his lower half OP :3

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:19

He's just multitasking OP. He's taking a shit, saving you time, and wasting existence.

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:55

Honey we need to talk...*plop*... It's over.

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Friday 6 July 2012 20:06

I wonder if he was trying to be inconspicuous while he was doing it? If he was then OP you won! You have the power to tell others how dirty he is. That'll keep him dateless for a while.

lifeisaterriblem 6

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:25

Now it's time to go roll his house.

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Friday 6 July 2012 22:22

57 - It's 2012 no one cares about taking shits anymore. Like Nike we "just do it".

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Friday 6 July 2012 23:21

dumpception

SirCharles83 13

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Saturday 7 July 2012 0:34

Sorry OP, that really stinks. Your whole relationship flushed down the tubes. I hope you were sitting down when he told you. Just try and wipe away the memories. I will introduce you to my friend lou.

Superstitious 6

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Saturday 7 July 2012 0:38

Dump during a dump? Dumpception

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Saturday 7 July 2012 2:31

Brings new meaning to the word dumped...

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Saturday 7 July 2012 3:36

Print-Screen ;)

TheWindowLicker 13

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:53

I'm posting this so there's one less spot for a shit related pun. You can thank me later. Also good for you op. Thats some low class shit right there. Do you really want that in your life?

Friday 6 July 2012 18:54

Ha, must be a SHITTY situation. Right guys? Cos hes on the toilet!

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:04

4- FAIL.

TheVelocirabbit 10

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:36

4- Before you embarrass yourself even more, what you just said has been overused in these types of FML that it's not funny anymore.

Colonel_Lexi 18

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:52

4-You're about as funny as Dane Cook.

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:55

Wow, that's quite the.. dumping OP's boyfriend did. I'm sure he was..relieved to get that out of his sytem. Speaking of relief it's certain that the boyfriend didn't give a..hoot or holler about OP. Yes, he is just a huge pile of..wasted space. I tried.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Friday 6 July 2012 20:01

50) Careful! One of the mods like Dane Cook! Hide!

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:12

Yeah, I heard that Sirin ABSOLUTELY LOVES Dane Cook. Let's all PM her about anything related to Dane Cook.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:45

I hear Sirin has pictures of Dane Cook all over her house. She lights candles around them and gives him meat sacrifices every third Tuesday. He's her idol. True story.

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:50

My condolences to your soon-to-be-bereaved families, gentlemen.

cartooncharacter 9

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:56

You....exist!!!

Prettygirlnswag 5

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Friday 6 July 2012 22:15

Who does this post go to? I'd be scared if I were u. Lol I think

SmokingUnicorn 8

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Saturday 7 July 2012 0:04

4- What if he's on the toilet taking a piss?

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Saturday 7 July 2012 0:05

It's almost maddening that it doesn't allow us to thumb up posts by the FML team... It makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a silver spork soaked in red wine vinegar...

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Saturday 7 July 2012 0:56

With the amount of comments #4 has, you would think he'd learn by now what puns NOT to say.

I_lost_the_game 25

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Saturday 7 July 2012 23:19

Yes. Even though it says he taking a dump.

AwesomeJudoBitch 0

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Wednesday 18 July 2012 8:14

You, Sirin, are my hero.

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:54

Well you're clearly not losing much. If he's disgusting enough to take a shit on webcam, I think you've had a lucky escape.

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:22

Your* Oh wait...

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:46

Darn, no one got the joke :(

onlychildFTW 33

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Friday 6 July 2012 20:15

Yeah OP, you're coming out ahead with this one. FYL for having to see him on the toilet.

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Sunday 8 July 2012 7:19

Definitely agree

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Sunday 8 July 2012 21:38

V

KommanderKush420 5

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:54

You got dumped while he was taking a dump. He made two dumps at once.

Katiekhalifa_fml 28

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:19

Dumpception!

igive 29

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:31

I wonder how many people took a dump while reading this FML.

Violent_Vixen 2

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:41

Since you brought it up, why yes I was leaving a dump. I never take a dump. That's nasty - Cleveland voice

dsbs 9

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:45

Yo dawg..

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:51

Gives new meaning to the term hit twi birds with one stone lol

Major_General 10

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Saturday 7 July 2012 3:36

Highly efficient.

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Saturday 7 July 2012 9:52

That's a Double Dumper... sounds like a product the shamwow guy would sell.

terrible_things 1

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:55

So sad :( aww well if he was talking a dump and dumping you at the same time he didn't deserve u

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:55

What a shitty break OP.

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:01

Sigh. These puns are no longer acceptable. Please, stop.

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:18

Just... shut up. Those puns are played out.

Hockeyboy4280 18

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Friday 6 July 2012 19:38

Yeah dude, stop making those shitty puns

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Friday 6 July 2012 21:02

And thus, the shitstorm of bad puns commences.

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Saturday 7 July 2012 3:01

Poo

saIty 17

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:56

Should have recorded that shit and made it viral to show what an ass he is.

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:59

That was a very salty comment... Thumbs up for you sir... :D

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:57

Take pride in the fact that that very device is nuking his sperm as you speak.

cookeemonster 7

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Saturday 7 July 2012 6:16

Win ^^ To everyone who does not understand its a reference to an earlier FML.

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:57

Just as your username says, he's toilet trash! What an asshole!

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Friday 6 July 2012 18:58

I wonder which dump took longer...

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 4

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 92

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 161