Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go...

By videochat - 14/2/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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Geek

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Tidy your room

Extreme late fees

By barfyshirt - 6/12/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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By anonymous - 15/7/2013 01:07 - United States - La Pine

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

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By hakuna_matata - 31/12/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

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By pixkalexi - 20/5/2013 20:14 - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

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By insightful - 20/3/2012 04:33 - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

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By Me - 27/10/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By natalyV - 4/9/2015 15:58

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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By tawan - 4/12/2009 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 15/9/2011 21:46 - Canada

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

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By me - 4/8/2012 19:14 - Canada - Debert

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike with no training wheels. After comforting her and assuring her that she'd be fine, I gave her a big push. She fell forward over the handlebars and scraped her chin on the front wheel. FML

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By Hornymuch - 2/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By driverboy - 31/12/2015 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

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By guest - 17/9/2015 04:16 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

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By dj163 - 16/9/2009 08:25 - Australia

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

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By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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By Pain_intolerant - 11/3/2011 14:11 - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

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By why ma? - 25/3/2020 08:02

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 22:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

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By streeted - 18/9/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 20:04 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

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By Bitchjackedmyball - 12/9/2012 08:52 - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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By Bitch - 26/5/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

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By Dave - 27/9/2012 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2016 19:46

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

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By meh beard - 18/1/2016 23:42 - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2019 22:15

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

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By nicolo - 27/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2010 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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By the_lameo_geek - 21/10/2013 02:16 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - 27/9/2016 19:17 - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Lotje13 - 1/1/2012 00:19 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

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By logkitty - 10/4/2012 04:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gun point, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 09:04 - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

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Top comments

By dh71388 | 0

#2248 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:19

lol why would you take your laptop just to check facebook? do it from your phone or just wait.

By midnyte | 0

#2249 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:25

I hope you have an honest boyfriend. The internet is a big place....

COMMENTS

By dh71388 | 0

#2248 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:19

lol why would you take your laptop just to check facebook? do it from your phone or just wait.

By midnyte | 0

#2249 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:25

I hope you have an honest boyfriend. The internet is a big place....

By Hannah_fml | 0

#2251 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:32

psh, I think it's totally fine. possibly not something you're comfortable with, but when my boyfriend hears i'm having troubles pooping, he cheers me on. when i take a really really big poo that i'm proud of i get so excited and i just have to show him, he goes "aww good job baby".

metsrule64 | 0

#834714 - Monday 8 February 2010 14:44

ummmm that's gross

naza517 | 0

#836701 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 3:42

that is beyond disgusting...eeeewwww

alyssadapsycho | 7

#917975 - Saturday 6 March 2010 3:07

aww how cutee :)

iampunk | 0

#1637091 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 1:05

LMFAO.

clara99_fml | 0

#1655649 - Saturday 6 November 2010 2:51

that's kinda weirdd he's conqratulatinq yuh for takinq a dump .

Manixs88 | 3

#4327827 - Thursday 19 April 2012 22:42

TMI!?

vlaws17 | 5

#4714115 - Saturday 21 July 2012 0:17

That is the most disgusting and UNromantic thing I've ever heard.... But hey, if your happy...

ms_coconuthead | 3

#5840094 - Sunday 26 January 2014 15:36

that is utterly disturbing

By infantrygirl | 0

#2252 - Sunday 15 February 2009 3:37

Yeah... I'm wondering why in all nine hells you would take your computer to the bathroom...

By president_benson | 0

#2272 - Sunday 15 February 2009 5:23

#6 FTW!! but #7 needs a sense of humor

By NorfolkDude | 2

#2274 - Sunday 15 February 2009 5:46

Let's think about this for a few seconds. First off, if you taken your laptop to the bathroom, you would have it on your lap right? So basically even if your bf was still watching, all he'd see would be you typing on the computer. Unless you're doing something that would be odd while pooping? Or holding your laptop from the toilet?

By FunWriter20 | 0

#2278 - Sunday 15 February 2009 5:53

Lol, I bring my laptop to the bathroom all the time, but have yet to have that happen to me.

grocky | 0

#371040 - Sunday 5 July 2009 21:06

same!

addictedcheater | 0

#495710 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 7:31

i check my e-mail. my phone wont do that kind of stuff and i wont check it any other way LOL

By Hannah_fml | 0

#2300 - Sunday 15 February 2009 7:08

#4- I totally agree...

iEnvade | 2

#2980115 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 15:28

same picture, different name :/ weird.

By Raygatron | 0

#2323 - Sunday 15 February 2009 12:33

I really wonder what the boyfriend thought of this.

#6 lolll

By loveelliot | 0

#2333 - Sunday 15 February 2009 13:01

LOL, I do it all the time. I mean. Taking the laptop to the loo.