Miscellaneous: Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking... - FML

By thebickster - 06/03/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 536

You deserved it 49 650

Empathy lives

Walk on the wild side

Best of both worlds

Awkwaaaaaaard

By Zoe Avila - 09/08/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 820

You deserved it 9 040

Chill out, Ross

By sad composer noises - 02/06/2021 20:01

Today, every time I practice my synthesizer, without fail, my stepmom decides to make as much noise as humanly possible. Slamming doors, stomping around in her loudest heels, dropping weights, screaming, you name it. I can hear her through my noise cancelling headphones and I can’t focus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 120

Call the cops

By sammatthews2007 - 25/02/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 303

You deserved it 7 479

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 03:28 - United States - Salem

Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 120

You deserved it 2 863

By Tonya - 28/06/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 128

You deserved it 7 742

By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 370

You deserved it 1 977

By unengaged - 14/11/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 193

You deserved it 4 201

Cheeky little bastards

By weeping_willow - 01/06/2020 08:00

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 156

By Chaznuts - 08/09/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 445

You deserved it 5 193

By madd_dizzle - 25/10/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, my crush finally let me drive his truck for the first time in a empty parking lot, after he told me he liked me. It was so dark that I ended up driving into and pole and totaled his car. Now he hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 718

You deserved it 43 303

By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 763

You deserved it 610

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 17:00 - Canada - Elora

Spicy

Today, I was cleaning my older brothers room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand, FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 390

You deserved it 1 545

By Laura_2118 - 12/12/2009 07:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 830

You deserved it 4 309

By Johannes_712 - 05/07/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 546

By Cùchulainn - 10/01/2009 03:23 - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 988

You deserved it 9 478

Ewwwww

By JustEwww - 22/10/2009 21:24 - Australia

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 13 455

By embaressed - 19/12/2009 09:44 - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 766

You deserved it 3 064

By Anonymous - 06/02/2017 05:00 - United States - Houston

Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 242

You deserved it 1 576

By Dunzo15 - 02/05/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202 021

You deserved it 51 591

By Username - 16/04/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 145

You deserved it 84 504

By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 478

You deserved it 4 889

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 17:01

Today, my sisters took me to a gay bar to celebrate my birthday. All was going well, until the drag queens demanded anyone with a birthday on stage. My sisters forced me to go. Turns out, it was for a twerking contest. I can't dance and have social anxiety. When I got off the stage, I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 922

You deserved it 4 865

Doing my part

By VonGore - 03/09/2021 14:00

Today, my professor stated that every student who had perfect attendance would be exempt from taking the final. Having perfect attendance so far, I was thrilled. Then come to find out I have jury duty the day before the exam; she won't excuse my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 100

By suckishbf - 28/04/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 807

You deserved it 6 735

By Anonymous - 06/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 661

You deserved it 4 223

By Anonymous - 14/04/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 902

You deserved it 8 322

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 518

You deserved it 38 033

By frenchy - 24/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124 707

You deserved it 9 133

By ZZ - 30/06/2009 03:01 - Canada

Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 535

You deserved it 66 629

By boop snoop - 01/09/2019 16:00 - United States

Today, the power at work was out. This would be fine, if they didn’t make me stay for another hour to wait for it to come back on in the Texas heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 102

Oh gosh

By Anonymous - 16/02/2020 14:00

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 648

By anaph0re - 01/02/2009 15:52 - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 671

You deserved it 21 468

By awkward. - 17/07/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 844

You deserved it 4 605

By Anonymous - 28/11/2012 06:32 - United States - Madison

Today, my husband quit his job as a university professor and picked up the graveyard shift at a rat farm so he could have more time during the day to play World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 624

You deserved it 3 372

By Arthur - 07/05/2014 19:16 - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 216

You deserved it 3 201

By tim12345 - 25/07/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 090

You deserved it 3 556

Sewing project

By peppergirl - 30/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 2 294

By poopsthegame - 03/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 916

You deserved it 1 815

By tamponface - 30/07/2011 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was really excited because the girl I'd liked since freshman year asked me out. She came to my house and my mom decided to show her baby pictures of me with tampons up my nose because I'd had a nose bleed. Even worse, there was one picture of me when I was 15 doing the same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 875

You deserved it 9 862

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Friday 6 March 2009 22:55

Stupid, but only because America can't take a joke anymore.

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:06

Yeah, it is stupid. Airport security has gotten way outta control. And studies show that we're no more safe now then we were before 9/11. All of this extra security is just to make white people feel safe(note: I am white and give a shit about airport security). The late great George Carlin has a great bit about airport security.

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Friday 6 March 2009 22:44

Knee-jerk reaction, but, well, what the hell did you think was going to happen? Sucks about "looking suspicious" though.

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Thursday 15 April 2010 9:47

or maybe looking suspicious as in having a darker skin tone? I have met some really racist Security Personel at airports so you can't really blame the OP. besides, she saved the person checking from getting mauled by T-Shirt shrapnel.

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Friday 6 March 2009 22:53

Well that was kind of stupid.

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Wednesday 10 August 2011 8:01

Fuck the TSA

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Friday 6 March 2009 22:55

Stupid, but only because America can't take a joke anymore.

Carlie_McCartney 1

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Thursday 27 January 2011 15:52

I agree...even though this wasn't technically a joke, America is still ridiculous. sure, 9/11 was a big eye opening moment for Americans everywhere but they've taken it way too far.

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Saturday 17 September 2011 13:41

Can't take a joke? 9/11 is still fresh in the minds of many Americans including myself and just because it happened ten years ago means we should let up on security. So you'd rather have more lenient security and risk another tragedy to occur, or just suck the fuck up and get through security? Seriously it's not that big of a deal if you just follow procedure and don't make retarded comments about "exploding". I've travelled alone and with family many times and security us never a hassle. Rather just have it than risk another religious nut job trying to blow up a plane. Sometimes things need to be a bit uncomfortable for the greater safety of all, so stop pointing the finger at how weird it is that Americans don't find it funny when people joke about bombs, explosions, etc when you jolly well know the reason we don't.

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Thursday 1 March 2012 20:08

You're so stupid. You obviously don't actually know much about 9/11 and the TSA. They couldn't care less about terrorists they just want us to know who has the power.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 16:16

#47, If you're afraid of normal clothes, you should talk with someone about it. And if you think the added airport "security" is doing anything but giving silly people a false sense of security, you should do some research about the topic instead of flying of your holster.

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Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:27

You are right my sir.

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:06

Yeah, it is stupid. Airport security has gotten way outta control. And studies show that we're no more safe now then we were before 9/11. All of this extra security is just to make white people feel safe(note: I am white and give a shit about airport security). The late great George Carlin has a great bit about airport security.

Send a private message

Thursday 4 February 2010 7:06

ohh really...and what studies are these.? lol

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:25

my dad did that last year

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:28

I hate airport security. Every one I've encountered was stupid, stubborn, condescending and full of attitude. With all the authority bestowed on them, one would think that they could hire better people. I honestly don't think that they're effective at preventing terror threats. For me, they are the worst thing to deal with in air travel.

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:33

"looking suspicious" I am not a lawyer but i don't think that is "probable cause"

kingdomgirl94 28

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Thursday 27 February 2014 20:23

the law allows them to disregard probable cause. its one of those laws that by-passes the constitution because of public support at the time.

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:34

Fuck the FEDs! 9/11 was an inside job. This is just an excuse to enslave us all.

jhled 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:45

Airport security nowadays. *sigh*. As if I didn't hate airplanes in the first place.

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Friday 6 March 2009 23:48

I got $20 says the author's middle eastern.

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Friday 8 April 2011 19:37

Racist Prick...Racism is only funny when it is funny......FUCK, ignore that comment....it sucked

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284