Holidays: Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security.... - FML

By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Our house, in the middle of our street

Debate bro

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By crushedsoul - United States - Baltimore

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

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By FarisH - Jordan

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my vibrator that I didn't know was missing... underneath my dad's mattress. FML

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

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By kids say the darnedest things - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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By Lily - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend of a month has a new girlfriend. That girl is my cousin, the same one who's been listening to my tears fall as I've confided my feelings to her for the past few weeks. FML

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By crazyhair docare

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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By justnance - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethesda

Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

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By Mad Munki

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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By bad karma - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By tacky_unrefined - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By Ohnowhy

Awkward...

Today, I moved in with my friend and her husband so we can be roommates during school. Today is also the day they decided to get a divorce. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

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By damnit - United States

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called "How to confess to having an affair." FML

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By Awkward - Bahrain

Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML

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By fml9124 - 2/11/2020 08:08

Old lady hotline

Today, I called the Suicide hotline. I dialled the number wrong and woke some poor old lady. She thought I was her son and kept asking me, "How come you don't visit anymore?" I told her I couldn't visit because of the Covid pandemic. I lied to an elderly woman I've never met. FML

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By NotAThief - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By iblamethetories - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

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By hannah - 18/2/2021 00:30

Shot from both sides

Today, I was yelled at by multiple people at work for not wearing any makeup. The only reason I don’t wear makeup is because my mom is guaranteed to make me cry before I leave the house every morning, so there’s no point. FML

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By sad associate - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By Anonymous

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By sara - United States

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

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By love you too honey boo

Dirty room

Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML

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By >.> - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

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By startingover - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By lucky?

Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By can't breathe - Australia

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

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By Susan - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By Dead_Fox - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

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Top comments

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#185880 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

yeah, if you bite into those things they could squirt someone's eye out

By Jcsati8 | 0

#185901 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

If you pack baby carrots, will they think you are carrying ammo?
Damn airport security!

COMMENTS

By Pitaace | 0

#185876 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:00

they better watch out those grapes can be pretty dangerous
I'll keep with with the tradition and state the obvious that I am #1

Reply

Tapdivaaa | 0

#984111 - Friday 23 April 2010 23:44

dude me too!

By blackdog_fml | 0

#185878 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

next time you'll reconsider those grapes, huh?

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#931234 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:52

Well, we all know just how suspicious grapes can be...?

Reply

dle0105 | 0

#964568 - Saturday 20 March 2010 1:00

I totally suspected they were anal beads while I was reading this post.

Reply

crzysk8r | 0

#4025777 - Sunday 12 February 2012 18:48

Grapes are deadly weapons. Didn't Osama use those? (sarcasm)

By jerryfo9 | 0

#185879 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

3rd to comment :)

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#185880 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

yeah, if you bite into those things they could squirt someone's eye out

By SlightlySadistic | 0

#185881 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

Haha, the way this was written amuses me.

But FYL, that DOES suck. Airport security can get pretty ridiculous these days.

Reply

22cute | 17

#4158452 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 11:33

Oh yeah, my life is totally f'd because someone wants to protect my life. Wah!
Reality check: preventing terrorism means you need to get to the airport earlier.
The rest of the world has been doing it for decades. Deal

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#5984315 - Sunday 22 June 2014 10:48

they were grapes...

By maddyeatssky | 0

#185884 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:02

Hahah. I bet they felt stupid.

By thatsbull95 | 0

#185899 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

The Grape Bomb is the newest form of bombs terrorists use nowadays. EVERYONE knows that. LOL JK JK

Reply

LemonMan | 0

#843614 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:40

Good thing you said jk, otherwise I woul have tottaly believed you! Phew. >.>

Reply

tonythatiger | 0

#986596 - Thursday 29 April 2010 23:15

lmfao WIN^^

By Jcsati8 | 0

#185901 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

If you pack baby carrots, will they think you are carrying ammo?
Damn airport security!

By theblueone4 | 0

#185907 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

haha. that IS pretty ridiculous.

airport security is suuuuper paranoid. to the point where it is beyond ludacris.

By idontgiveone | 0

#185917 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:07

ahh, well that gave Osama Bin Laden an idea. Great job airport securit guards.