Holidays: Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security.... - FML

By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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There's no helping some people

BO Central

Live dumping

By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By HungryGirl - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By me - United States

Today, another employee scolded me for being "socially awkward". The same employee who just before had a 10 minute discussion with a client about her poop. FML

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By scammed - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

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By MrsKSB - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By amiliaroberts123 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

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By keiran123 - United States - Welsh

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering pizzas, I got bit by a guy dressed as Dracula. FML

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By TCRII

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By Squeak - United States - Fort Bragg

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

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By TheLemon - Turkey - Aydin

Today, I finally had a chance to get outside after receiving shrapnel to my leg. My crutches had not yet arrived so I didn't want to risk it, but my buddies said they had my back. We went to the seaside and I sat down as they say they'd be right back. It started to rain and everyone forgot me. I can stand, but not walk. FML

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By Gabby - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By W...T...F - United States

Today, I found the carcass of the frog that got into my house last week. It was a horrifying sight, but not nearly as horrifying as the fact that I found it in my refrigerator. No, I don't know how it got in there either. FML

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By jenjam

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By thanks gramps - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

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By Cecilly2010

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2021 23:30 - United States - Wynnewood

USA Number One!

Today, I live in the same country that deployed the National Guard to suppress peaceful BLM protests, yet allowed a bunch of psychotic Trump supporters to break into the Capitol. I’m ashamed to be human right now. FML

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By scooterbyrd - 31/8/2020 02:01

Don't follow by example

Today, I found out the psychiatrist who treats me for bipolar disorder died. He committed suicide. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dropped in on my wife at her part time waitressing job. As I was leaving, I gave her tushie a playful squeeze. I was then tackled by some acne-ridden teenage blockhead trying to impress the hot waitress by beating up the guy groping her. FML

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By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By Jer - United States

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

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By Bigbaby - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By aishahahaha_ - Zambia - Lusaka

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

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By princess

Today, I accidentally touched a hot pan and, like any normal person would, jerked my hand back. My mom saw, yelled at me for being a "prissy princess" and then proceeded to stick her whole hand on the hot pan for a full 5 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By Insanity - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

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By brokebihhhh - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

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By bobin - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

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By blue - United Kingdom - London

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

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By Ramis182 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

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Top comments

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#185880 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

yeah, if you bite into those things they could squirt someone's eye out

By Jcsati8 | 0

#185901 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

If you pack baby carrots, will they think you are carrying ammo?
Damn airport security!

COMMENTS

By Pitaace | 0

#185876 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:00

they better watch out those grapes can be pretty dangerous
I'll keep with with the tradition and state the obvious that I am #1

Reply

Tapdivaaa | 0

#984111 - Friday 23 April 2010 23:44

dude me too!

By blackdog_fml | 0

#185878 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

next time you'll reconsider those grapes, huh?

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#931234 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:52

Well, we all know just how suspicious grapes can be...?

Reply

dle0105 | 0

#964568 - Saturday 20 March 2010 1:00

I totally suspected they were anal beads while I was reading this post.

Reply

crzysk8r | 0

#4025777 - Sunday 12 February 2012 18:48

Grapes are deadly weapons. Didn't Osama use those? (sarcasm)

By jerryfo9 | 0

#185879 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

3rd to comment :)

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#185880 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

yeah, if you bite into those things they could squirt someone's eye out

By SlightlySadistic | 0

#185881 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:01

Haha, the way this was written amuses me.

But FYL, that DOES suck. Airport security can get pretty ridiculous these days.

Reply

22cute | 17

#4158452 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 11:33

Oh yeah, my life is totally f'd because someone wants to protect my life. Wah!
Reality check: preventing terrorism means you need to get to the airport earlier.
The rest of the world has been doing it for decades. Deal

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#5984315 - Sunday 22 June 2014 10:48

they were grapes...

By maddyeatssky | 0

#185884 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:02

Hahah. I bet they felt stupid.

By thatsbull95 | 0

#185899 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:04

The Grape Bomb is the newest form of bombs terrorists use nowadays. EVERYONE knows that. LOL JK JK

Reply

LemonMan | 0

#843614 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:40

Good thing you said jk, otherwise I woul have tottaly believed you! Phew. >.>

Reply

tonythatiger | 0

#986596 - Thursday 29 April 2010 23:15

lmfao WIN^^

By Jcsati8 | 0

#185901 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

If you pack baby carrots, will they think you are carrying ammo?
Damn airport security!

By theblueone4 | 0

#185907 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:05

haha. that IS pretty ridiculous.

airport security is suuuuper paranoid. to the point where it is beyond ludacris.

By idontgiveone | 0

#185917 - Sunday 10 May 2009 20:07

ahh, well that gave Osama Bin Laden an idea. Great job airport securit guards.