Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 66

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 1 099

09/10/2009 22:58

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 377

You deserved it 2 792

Mother of the year

Age difference

Get the hell out of Dodge

01/01/2009 12:09

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 275

You deserved it 8 557

16/02/2009 15:25

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 401

You deserved it 79 989

Confinement, episode 3774

By S3XY_SiNG3R - 11/04/2020 02:00

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 1 961

11/06/2009 02:28

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 990

You deserved it 47 646

19/12/2011 06:44

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 018

You deserved it 3 311

02/10/2012 14:42

Today, I went on a bad first date and the guy was more into it than me. I tried to scare him away by only speaking in robot voice, with robot arms. He thought it was adorable, and told me I reminded him of his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 208

You deserved it 28 504

10/07/2012 19:33

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 617

You deserved it 3 445

11/01/2011 03:27

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 4 342

06/10/2012 18:27

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 911

You deserved it 3 535

03/07/2011 00:22

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 423

You deserved it 2 689

05/01/2011 07:41

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 740

You deserved it 34 481

28/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 028

You deserved it 1 196

10/05/2012 22:20

Today, I was getting coffee with my aunt, and she asked me to pay. She then turned to the Barista and said, "He's never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to show him that they take your money." The Barista laughed so hard she had to excuse herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 330

You deserved it 2 328

21/05/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 198

You deserved it 387

14/12/2014 01:14

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 770

You deserved it 4 370

Roommates from hell

By why me? - 11/03/2014 07:21

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 577

You deserved it 3 342

16/12/2016 21:14

Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 380

You deserved it 571

02/03/2009 07:24

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 707

You deserved it 21 203

Drunk mom

By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/07/2013 19:55

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 894

You deserved it 3 792

21/03/2015 04:25

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 254

You deserved it 10 991

20/05/2019 20:05

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 417

01/08/2010 04:23

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 652

You deserved it 13 269

Kids and their wacky crazes

By tclwj - 06/09/2020 23:01

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 187

14/07/2019 00:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 125

08/10/2015 13:48

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 190

You deserved it 3 435

25/03/2009 04:12

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 172

You deserved it 28 214

01/07/2019 22:00

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 1 171

15/07/2010 19:53

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 121

You deserved it 10 015

Respect Independence Day!

By unpatriotic - 04/07/2021 12:06

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 930

You deserved it 8 117

24/01/2010 19:32

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 167

You deserved it 5 291

10/03/2010 05:00

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 220

You deserved it 7 051

14/04/2012 22:56

Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 855

You deserved it 12 092

01/05/2013 17:23

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 548

You deserved it 4 683

Fake it til you make it

By Carl - 08/12/2020 12:02

Today, I was working from home alone while my wife was at her office. I decided that instead of having a healthy lunch at home, I would walk to the fast food place a block over. I didn't realise that my fitness tracker would automatically log this as "Exercise (walk)." My wife clicked "Like" underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324

You deserved it 822

17/07/2009 22:02

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 541

You deserved it 6 947

09/12/2016 09:02

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 387

You deserved it 957

Bullshit reason #874

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 19:57

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because, she says, I have diabetes and she can’t handle the complications that may occur in the future. This after I arranged for her to take trip to Italy to ride horses, which has been on her bucket list for like 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 114

04/03/2010 15:51

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 859

You deserved it 5 611

TMI FML

By eugh - 07/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I discovered the brand of condoms my parents use. It was in the same grocery bag as my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 480

02/05/2016 20:08

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 932

You deserved it 872

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:54

Ewwww, what the hell

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:00

Sounds like urine his latest adventure.

Comments

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:54

Ewwww, what the hell

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Saturday 10 October 2009 10:15

YDI for being a slut

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Saturday 10 October 2009 12:07

Although yeah, he does sound "interesting".

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Saturday 10 October 2009 21:46

did he just have his dick out in his hand or something in order to point it toward you? because if he had pants on it would be a little difficult to push the stream through the clothes

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Sunday 11 October 2009 2:12

he was marking his territory XD

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Sunday 11 October 2009 5:31

lmfao @ number 70.

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Monday 12 October 2009 14:18

EXACTLYY Bahah!

mooshibear140 4

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 3:09

@70 LMFAO! [x

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Sunday 28 March 2010 11:28

haha at least you know URINE his heart. -stloen off another fml- and all I could think about was the episode of friends where -I was backpacking through Europe- was a pick up line..

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Sunday 19 September 2010 4:32

70 ftw

ogloc 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:56

Wtf? That sucks.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:57

omg

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:58

Well, that's what we do over here. We love to relieve our bladders on people. I'm glad the trend is spreading.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 16:54

You said "spreading!" Me likey! The OP should have said, "When you started the story, you were an American. Now, European."

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Saturday 10 October 2009 21:25

Oh, I got one for you both... You're a peein'? European? Eh? Eh? *ashamed*

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Saturday 10 October 2009 21:29

Are you ashamed that I made such a stupid pun, or that it took you a while to get it?

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Saturday 10 October 2009 21:51

Aw. Now I'm ashamed that I made that pun without realising that you had already made it. I must have no brain. I do not deserve to co-create trans-Atlantic Telegustation. :[

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Sunday 11 October 2009 5:29

In the words of Stanley Milgram, "The experiment requires that you continue."

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Sunday 11 October 2009 19:32

All right. I will persevere.

EmmaMarieCullen 0

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 6:08

dude my DAD always says that!

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:58

Sounds like a stunt my brother pulled on me. Fucker.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 8:59

Well, I guess you're his now.

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Saturday 10 October 2009 20:59

hahah yeah he claimed his territory :P

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:00

Sounds like urine his latest adventure.

NaturallyUnlucky 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 11:06

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Saturday 10 October 2009 12:04

I see what you did there

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Saturday 10 October 2009 14:02

Win

cljc 1

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Sunday 11 October 2009 3:21

i like, i like

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:00

twenty2182, do you ever say anything besides "omg"? Haha! Why did he start pissing on you? What the hell kind of club were you at?

Panda_monium_Ink 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:17

id have decked him :) or worse, ripped off his nuts :D

nokillnobeepbeep 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:18

He was just marking his territory. You should feel honored.