Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a...

By kenken5

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2164

You deserved it

333

Favorite

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Near the knuckle

By Lisaa918 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69086

You deserved it

6157

Favorite

By crazy mother in law

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45954

You deserved it

4990

Favorite

By Mustang - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32008

You deserved it

2587

Favorite

By Knottywoman

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3134

You deserved it

223

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30365

You deserved it

3364

Favorite

By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17221

You deserved it

88747

Favorite

By mean mommy

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1575

You deserved it

2055

Favorite

By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71083

You deserved it

6528

Favorite

By kstaa - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29070

You deserved it

4503

Favorite

By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3125

You deserved it

234

Favorite

By Kanata

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1735

You deserved it

133

Favorite

By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34824

You deserved it

2388

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54021

You deserved it

23463

Favorite

By shonfyr - Spain

Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40941

You deserved it

9991

Favorite

By and god shat - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49166

You deserved it

9041

Favorite

By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

6541

You deserved it

2974

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3445

You deserved it

232

Favorite

By riahta - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10018

You deserved it

46356

Favorite

By BudmaudeY - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23338

You deserved it

15782

Favorite

By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44543

You deserved it

5139

Favorite

By jalopenos - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9717

You deserved it

22587

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46935

You deserved it

4470

Favorite

By KaityK - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18194

You deserved it

4980

Favorite

By busfail - Canada - Burnaby

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33470

You deserved it

2863

Favorite

By 2ndgenoration - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50497

You deserved it

4186

Favorite

By dwaggle - United States

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58092

You deserved it

2741

Favorite

By demispark - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45203

You deserved it

4825

Favorite

By februarymarchapril - United States - Austin

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16583

You deserved it

42498

Favorite

By PuddlePirate - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30527

You deserved it

3416

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11163

You deserved it

21960

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77452

You deserved it

3123

Favorite

By holyshitsnacks - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37405

You deserved it

7793

Favorite

By fmlpanda - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39769

You deserved it

8331

Favorite

By beaverfever - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47183

You deserved it

10728

Favorite

By a stupid jackass - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7900

You deserved it

37322

Favorite

By TheVirginJenny - United States - Spanaway

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32817

You deserved it

7717

Favorite

By a-mishunderstanding

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24989

You deserved it

2836

Favorite

By mcd - 5/10/2020 08:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Rat Race

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1208

You deserved it

Favorite

By Ataraxia - United States

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15957

You deserved it

33984

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21047

You deserved it

1709

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7813287 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 7:37

A month is not really a long time after a rough breakup so congratulations on moving on just be a little bit more picky next time.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7813269 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 6:36

That sucks.

But only figuratively.

COMMENTS

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7813241 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 3:16

Gone in 60 seconds....

By RichardPencil | 28

#7813269 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 6:36

That sucks.

But only figuratively.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7813287 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 7:37

A month is not really a long time after a rough breakup so congratulations on moving on just be a little bit more picky next time.

By griddy24 | 17

#7813610 - Thursday 20 June 2019 2:28

Brutal!

By oldtimer | 3

#7813839 - Thursday 20 June 2019 18:21

Well on the positive side it only was 60 seconds. When are you ladies going to learn that once the guy gets off you’re never going to get any satisfaction. Next time don’t give him any satisfaction until you get taken care of first. Many years ago when I was a young man a woman taught me this, and I was a much better lover from then on.