Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a...

By kenken5

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Rock, hard place

Very fishy

By Greg - United Kingdom

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

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By 1940s wants their attitude back - 29/9/2020 20:01 - United States

Thanks ma

Today, I excitedly told my mom how I got accepted to the master’s program of my dreams. She decided now would be a good time to proudly repeat for the millionth time how she gave up a full ride to the Ivy League to marry my father, and I ought to be a "good woman" and do the same. FML

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1564

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 13:57 - Canada - Windsor

Unrequited

Today, I ran into my childhood crush. She was the one who made me realize I was bi, and I was enthralled by her. Too bad she was straight. She's only gotten more attractive, and now she's in my program. FML

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1019

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By Jonnyboo - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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52454

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By adsfkerfmpo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I made a date to try to save our relationship. I sat in his room for hours while he watched YouTube videos of World of Warcraft. FML

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48500

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By ForeSight

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By ravlol - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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30356

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

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32685

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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31063

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By marie - 28/3/2021 11:02

Who talks to you like that at work?

Today, I decided to listen to some music at work, so I plugged in my headphones and turned on Spotify. Only the music decided to play out loud instead. I was called a “disrespectful little bitch who wasn’t raised right” for not using my headphones. FML

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800

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

The movie of my life

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

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789

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By Josie - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

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17176

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By lalanon - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

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186584

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By girlgirlinsanity - United States

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

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40377

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By Anonymous

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

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2142

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By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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15308

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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38988

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By jruth7 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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40817

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 22:05 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Equality

Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML

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671

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By Walmart Associate

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

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2484

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By Kimberly - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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14037

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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28727

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By Belgian girl - United States - Lewes

Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML

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5267

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By MondayonaTuesday

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3513

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By goodmorning - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

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40619

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By damnthedog - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

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36210

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

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49855

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By Anonymous

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

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2781

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML

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By SwimSquid - United States

Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML

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136328

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I now know what it feels like to violently sneeze while a nurse still has a needle in your arm. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

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30165

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By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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33911

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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22855

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By lucas - United States

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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43534

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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Top comments

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7813287 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 7:37

A month is not really a long time after a rough breakup so congratulations on moving on just be a little bit more picky next time.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7813269 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 6:36

That sucks.

But only figuratively.

COMMENTS

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7813241 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 3:16

Gone in 60 seconds....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7813269 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 6:36

That sucks.

But only figuratively.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7813287 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 7:37

A month is not really a long time after a rough breakup so congratulations on moving on just be a little bit more picky next time.

By griddy24 | 17

#7813610 - Thursday 20 June 2019 2:28

Brutal!

By oldtimer | 3

#7813839 - Thursday 20 June 2019 18:21

Well on the positive side it only was 60 seconds. When are you ladies going to learn that once the guy gets off you’re never going to get any satisfaction. Next time don’t give him any satisfaction until you get taken care of first. Many years ago when I was a young man a woman taught me this, and I was a much better lover from then on.