Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation....

By shatMyself - 22/4/2013 19:10 - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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Health

No one likes a smart-ass

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Time don't heal nothing

By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 09:45

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

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By Not-pregnant - 20/4/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By dumpedandstranded - 15/10/2009 20:19 - Canada

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2010 04:26 - United States

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

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By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was on a friends trampoline trying to convince my mom trampolines are safe and I should get one. While telling her I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By burnnotice - 19/9/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 16:09 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 17:12 - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By pantydropper - 17/4/2013 19:01 - United States

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

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By WeakBitch - 18/2/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Abby - 17/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

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By stormblade27 - 28/1/2019 02:00

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By Farterella - 2/11/2016 20:30

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

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By tay - 10/4/2012 11:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

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By sunflower226 - 5/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I had to pay a $150 late fee because my landlord didn't receive the rent check. My boyfriend had addressed the envelope to himself and put the landlord's as the return address. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 12:03 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/1/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 09:44 - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2014 23:38 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By Braxam - 15/6/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML

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By TriangularBanana - 6/5/2016 21:45 - United States - Cypress

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By "tease_ftx" - 31/8/2017 13:00

Who run the world? Cats!

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1am doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2018 05:00

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

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By righthook - 8/4/2015 19:56 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - 1/7/2015 02:21 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

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By aishahahaha_ - 19/6/2016 00:34 - Zambia - Lusaka

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

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By kfoehslfns - 1/8/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - 15/7/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By gamerguru13 - 21/4/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

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By Le Dookie - 19/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Sugar Land

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

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By FMyThroat - 18/1/2013 00:39 - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

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By Batman - 9/9/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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Top comments

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5460647 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Incoming shitstorm.

By SammyS2012 | 21

#5460650 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:41

It's the Hunger Games: Hospital Edition.

Comments

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5460647 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Incoming shitstorm.

Haduken | 16

#5460842 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:00

one gets the toilet, one gets the tub, and one gets the sink

wlddog | 14

#5460911 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:55

38
Way to resolve the shit out of that problem.

DracoSpirita | 21

#5460960 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:37

38 - Bridesmaids reference. Awesome.

jackiemora | 18

#5460990 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:10

Well they are in a shitting situation.

therealafroninga | 10

#5460996 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:15

59-Are you shitting me. Your comment stunk.

wvcheesehead1 | 9

#5461076 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:08

Sounds like that hospital has their shits together.,

Gmoney12 | 18

#5461151 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 6:30

I smell a game of battleshits coming on!

By MrConcise | 34

#5460648 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Shitty situation, three girls one bathroom, laxative puns, did I cover them all?

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460707 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:55

I smell a new shitcom.. xD

(And let the downvotes commence)

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460846 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:03

Well that was unexpected... xD

Catkam623 | 27

#5460865 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:21

How do we know its a girl? By the name I assumed it was a guy and he had to wait outside while they shat everywhere

magentaballoon15 | 8

#5881890 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 7:15

"two OTHER girls"

By SammyS2012 | 21

#5460650 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:41

It's the Hunger Games: Hospital Edition.

yeti37 | 16

#5460725 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:01

There is no chance I'd volunteer to be a tribute in those games.

dreamtosing | 15

#5460848 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:05

And it smells pretty shitty.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460855 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:08

"And may your bowels be ever in your favor."

SammyS2012 | 21

#5461085 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:18

Maybe sponsors can donate buckets

Jiplo | 18

#5462215 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 22:42

And the tributes could sabotage each other by putting more laxatives in their food.

By teekie | 10

#5460657 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:42

They should have given you buckets...or just not put all of you in the same room to begin with!

HowieDoIt | 21

#5460747 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:13

What is this, Carnival Cruise?

By thepersonyouknow | 9

#5460665 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:43

Stupid idea on their part

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5461086 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:20

Yeah, I've never heard of 3 people sharing a hospital room, usually they have 2 people.

monnanon | 13

#5461837 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 18:32

its maybe a ward. in the uk wards usually sleep 4-8.

By dectivebobby | 6

#5460669 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:45

Alright, one takes the bathroom, the other gets a bucket and the third one...be creative OP

KeannaLove | 32

#5460681 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:48

Could go bridesmaids style and use the the sink.

By eyesmile27 | 7

#5460672 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:46

What a shitty situation.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5460767 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:23

What a shitty comment.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460850 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:05

What a shitty reply to a shitty comment.

MrClean17 | 15

#5460952 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:34

What a shit- Never mind.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5460982 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:01

What a shitty reply to a shitty reply to a shitty comment.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5461592 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 15:12

No.

By cyanidesandwich | 20

#5460678 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:47

Homemade 2 girls 1 cup?

dectivebobby | 6

#5460702 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:53

Can't really be 2 girls 1 cup if there's 3 of them...

TheBrochure | 22

#5460816 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:50

15 - Nor can it Really be homemade if they're in a hospital.

license2chill | 5

#5460964 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:40

15, one of them is gonna have the toilet, and the other two have to try to be resourceful..

By browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5460683 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:48

What kind of hospital has only one bathroom?

xInwex | 12

#5460927 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:17

Hopefully the OP meant one bathroom in the room she was staying in? Last time I checked hospitals had more than one bathroom. I know where I live all the hospitals have public bathrooms like every 20 feet

By laurenasabutton | 26

#5460691 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:51

Do you think the doctors take bets on who can beat the others to the bathroom?