Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation....

By shatMyself - 22/4/2013 19:10 - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Time for the ER

Gas giant

By ChocolateEverywhere - 23/3/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

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By Sarah - 18/7/2019 12:00

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

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By ouchers - 11/6/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

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By Percy - 23/3/2019 20:00

Today, the phrase "To share everything with one's friends" took a pretty unexpected meaning when a friend of mine asked me for a date. When I told him how unlikely it was to happen because of my friendship with his girlfriend, he answered that it was no excuse as she fell in love with me too. FML

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By cjw - 6/3/2013 00:07 - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By Bondi414 - 15/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." My whole house now smells like pee. FML

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By Thanks Babe - 20/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up feeling awful, having caught the same illness my boyfriend had last night. When he was sick, I skipped my friend's baby shower to take care of him. Now that I'm sick, he goes to a friend's place, says to call if I need him, then turns his phone off. Seriously. FML

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By newniece - 27/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2013 18:53 - United Kingdom - Congleton

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

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By hail science - 10/9/2019 00:01

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

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By Mark Allan - 25/3/2012 16:06 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By cunting cunts - 29/5/2012 17:10 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML

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By imnotacat - 20/7/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 18:10

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

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By charliemann_ - 12/9/2011 14:28 - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By only1bigdogme - 3/9/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

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By wayne - 7/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

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By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By MissIsabel - 3/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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By Bden - 21/3/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By aprouddaddy - 4/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 20:02

My ex the dumbass

Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML

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By Username - 30/12/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - 27/8/2016 07:33 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By justdoingmyjob - 18/7/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2016 13:50

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

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By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - 7/8/2015 02:55 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By smurftastic - 3/9/2013 03:03 - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By LostSoul - 10/7/2019 02:06

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2016 21:29 - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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By adults acting like children - 17/9/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By sunboy52 - 5/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By zuper_duper - 29/8/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2011 13:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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Top comments

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5460647 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Incoming shitstorm.

By SammyS2012 | 21

#5460650 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:41

It's the Hunger Games: Hospital Edition.

COMMENTS

By asimplesharpie | 7

#5460647 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Incoming shitstorm.

Haduken | 16

#5460842 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:00

one gets the toilet, one gets the tub, and one gets the sink

wlddog | 14

#5460911 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:55

38
Way to resolve the shit out of that problem.

DracoSpirita | 21

#5460960 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:37

38 - Bridesmaids reference. Awesome.

jackiemora | 18

#5460990 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:10

Well they are in a shitting situation.

therealafroninga | 10

#5460996 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:15

59-Are you shitting me. Your comment stunk.

wvcheesehead1 | 9

#5461076 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:08

Sounds like that hospital has their shits together.,

Gmoney12 | 18

#5461151 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 6:30

I smell a game of battleshits coming on!

By MrConcise | 34

#5460648 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:40

Shitty situation, three girls one bathroom, laxative puns, did I cover them all?

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460707 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:55

I smell a new shitcom.. xD

(And let the downvotes commence)

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460846 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:03

Well that was unexpected... xD

Catkam623 | 27

#5460865 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:21

How do we know its a girl? By the name I assumed it was a guy and he had to wait outside while they shat everywhere

magentaballoon15 | 8

#5881890 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 7:15

"two OTHER girls"

By SammyS2012 | 21

#5460650 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:41

It's the Hunger Games: Hospital Edition.

yeti37 | 16

#5460725 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:01

There is no chance I'd volunteer to be a tribute in those games.

dreamtosing | 15

#5460848 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:05

And it smells pretty shitty.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460855 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:08

"And may your bowels be ever in your favor."

SammyS2012 | 21

#5461085 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:18

Maybe sponsors can donate buckets

Jiplo | 18

#5462215 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 22:42

And the tributes could sabotage each other by putting more laxatives in their food.

By teekie | 10

#5460657 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:42

They should have given you buckets...or just not put all of you in the same room to begin with!

HowieDoIt | 21

#5460747 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:13

What is this, Carnival Cruise?

By thepersonyouknow | 9

#5460665 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:43

Stupid idea on their part

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5461086 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 5:20

Yeah, I've never heard of 3 people sharing a hospital room, usually they have 2 people.

monnanon | 13

#5461837 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 18:32

its maybe a ward. in the uk wards usually sleep 4-8.

By dectivebobby | 6

#5460669 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:45

Alright, one takes the bathroom, the other gets a bucket and the third one...be creative OP

KeannaLove | 32

#5460681 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:48

Could go bridesmaids style and use the the sink.

By eyesmile27 | 7

#5460672 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:46

What a shitty situation.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5460767 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:23

What a shitty comment.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5460850 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 2:05

What a shitty reply to a shitty comment.

MrClean17 | 15

#5460952 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:34

What a shit- Never mind.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5460982 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 4:01

What a shitty reply to a shitty reply to a shitty comment.

Lizardgirl | 7

#5461592 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 15:12

No.

By cyanidesandwich | 20

#5460678 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:47

Homemade 2 girls 1 cup?

dectivebobby | 6

#5460702 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:53

Can't really be 2 girls 1 cup if there's 3 of them...

TheBrochure | 22

#5460816 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 1:50

15 - Nor can it Really be homemade if they're in a hospital.

license2chill | 5

#5460964 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:40

15, one of them is gonna have the toilet, and the other two have to try to be resourceful..

By browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5460683 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:48

What kind of hospital has only one bathroom?

xInwex | 12

#5460927 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 3:17

Hopefully the OP meant one bathroom in the room she was staying in? Last time I checked hospitals had more than one bathroom. I know where I live all the hospitals have public bathrooms like every 20 feet

By laurenasabutton | 26

#5460691 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 0:51

Do you think the doctors take bets on who can beat the others to the bathroom?