Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't...

By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:13 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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Health

Understandable

Face value

The student becomes the master

By racist - 15/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend, I said “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized! ...FML

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By doesnttastegood - 1/2/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By artdegreemyass - 21/7/2012 21:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

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By Marteeny - 9/6/2016 03:14

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By Jesus - 21/4/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, I was playing guitar on the sidewalk and had my guitar case open for tips. A man came up with a folded piece of green paper, smiled and walked away. After I was finished, I looked at my tips. I unfolded the paper, it was a note that said "You suck!" FML

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By McKenna - 16/7/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By Sophies - 26/12/2013 00:45 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML

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By latino14 - 15/6/2012 11:27 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - 17/8/2019 18:00

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By HauntLife - 21/9/2017 20:00

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 04:48 - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By krt - 3/10/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

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By oooops - 24/1/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By Sursion - 12/11/2009 17:34 - Canada

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

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By Noname - 15/3/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

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By ohIlike - 15/9/2009 12:10 - Australia

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, 'liking' the break up. FML

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By middleagednurse - 4/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 06:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By nerderer - 30/4/2015 18:48 - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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By poorchild - 23/11/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By Whoopsie - 22/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

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By S. Fancyson - 16/4/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By Good choice cat - 24/2/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By talhabilal - 11/3/2010 14:28 - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By misc - 16/1/2009 12:19 - United States

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

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By "Courtney Edwards" - 30/6/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - Cwmbran

Today, I was taking care of the general public as a first aider in a massive event. Since the temperature was high, we were expecting many of the older-than-middle-aged women to collapse of heat exhaustion and need to be treated. I didn't realise I would be one of those affected. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2019 06:30

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By yourstruly - 11/2/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By evelynn - 20/5/2010 06:25 - France

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

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By nightwalker2253 - 16/11/2015 07:13 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

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By agentile - 2/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By RetailScapegoat - 16/9/2017 20:00

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

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By brentkd - 20/7/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

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By pubquizgenius - 27/1/2010 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

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By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

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Top comments

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

Comments

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

goldfishgod | 20

#5452841 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:31

Yeah. Fuck it, go. This is literally the worst situation I could ever think of. Don't deny yourself the pleasure of a good poop just because people are listening.

Leprekhaun | 14

#5452847 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:37

It could be worse... Like in a public restroom with a lot of traffic..

goldfishgod | 20

#5452854 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:40

The good thing about a public restroom, though, is that you don't personally know the other occupants and they will leave soon.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5453760 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 23:22

At least you aren't sitting in your car, stuck in traffic!

MWidderAUDI | 14

#5454117 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:23

#14- I don't think it's going to be a good poop after taking laxatives...

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5453174 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 16:00

Yea you can't just shit there for ages.

By Leprekhaun | 14

#5452805 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:14

Let it loose and get some air freshener.

Metallica36176 | 16

#5453590 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 21:13

And get a radio. That's why we have a radio in our bathroom. It drowns out the sound.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5452810 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

Don't care about the guests, and if they really don't like the sounds coming from the bathroom they might leave earlier.

By CrysisAverted | 5

#5452811 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

You can always try making very loud fart noises to try to mask out the real ones op, then your roomates will think you were just fucking around?

By error404n0tf0und | 21

#5452813 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:17

when they ask just say you where reanacting some sex you had, that will shit them up

zingline89 | 18

#5452888 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 10:14

If having sex with your significant other sounds like explosive diarrhea, you're doing it wrong.

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5453112 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 14:52

unless you're a necrophiliac ;P

zingline89 | 18

#5453130 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 15:12

No they just bang dead people

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5454647 - Thursday 18 April 2013 17:22

I was talking about the sounds... anyway, obviously that joke was shit and went over a lot of heads, so I will let myself drown under the sea of downward pointing thumbs.