Health: Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't...

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Get it on, bang a gong

By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 02:02 - Germany - Emden

Cooperation

Today, I share a bathroom with two other people and we divide tasks equally. They take care of making it dirty; I take care of making it clean. FML

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By dickofbrokendreams - United States - Waynesville

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

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By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I came home to find my parents wearing Santa hats and blasting Christmas music at full volume. So begins three months of hell. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

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By playinmyguitar - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Homer Glen

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

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By oops - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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By hey-ooo - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an email with a link to a story about a man who lost 650 pounds. I ignored it, until I saw who sent it. My mom, with the message "Maybe there's hope for you." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By Cop-er-Pot

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

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By joshua - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

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By soapgirl - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By caterinette - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By jasonvanr - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By strawberrypuff - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By Mel

Today, I woke up to find out my cat pissed in my laundry from last night. This includes underwear, so I had to go commando. I grabbed an old T-shirt and pants at the bottom of a drawer and left for school. Turns out the pants had a hole in the crotch and my period was due. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

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By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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By kandi - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

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By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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By forever alone - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

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By Wtf

Today, my estranged, psycho ex called me ten times and left belligerent messages because I didn't send him anything for his birthday yesterday like I used to. This is the same man who never gave me a birthday gift, text, or even a Happy Birthday wish during our 7 years together. FML

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By bzygirl - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

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By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

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By Gabi - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 08:00

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By superdrinkingbud - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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Top comments

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

COMMENTS

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

goldfishgod | 20

#5452841 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:31

Yeah. Fuck it, go. This is literally the worst situation I could ever think of. Don't deny yourself the pleasure of a good poop just because people are listening.

Leprekhaun | 14

#5452847 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:37

It could be worse... Like in a public restroom with a lot of traffic..

goldfishgod | 20

#5452854 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:40

The good thing about a public restroom, though, is that you don't personally know the other occupants and they will leave soon.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5453760 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 23:22

At least you aren't sitting in your car, stuck in traffic!

MWidderAUDI | 14

#5454117 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:23

#14- I don't think it's going to be a good poop after taking laxatives...

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5453174 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 16:00

Yea you can't just shit there for ages.

By Leprekhaun | 14

#5452805 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:14

Let it loose and get some air freshener.

Metallica36176 | 16

#5453590 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 21:13

And get a radio. That's why we have a radio in our bathroom. It drowns out the sound.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5452810 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

Don't care about the guests, and if they really don't like the sounds coming from the bathroom they might leave earlier.

By CrysisAverted | 5

#5452811 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

You can always try making very loud fart noises to try to mask out the real ones op, then your roomates will think you were just fucking around?

By error404n0tf0und | 21

#5452813 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:17

when they ask just say you where reanacting some sex you had, that will shit them up

zingline89 | 18

#5452888 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 10:14

If having sex with your significant other sounds like explosive diarrhea, you're doing it wrong.

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5453112 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 14:52

unless you're a necrophiliac ;P

zingline89 | 18

#5453130 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 15:12

No they just bang dead people

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5454647 - Thursday 18 April 2013 17:22

I was talking about the sounds... anyway, obviously that joke was shit and went over a lot of heads, so I will let myself drown under the sea of downward pointing thumbs.