Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't...

By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:13 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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Health

Race against the clock

Gas giant

Lockdown is driving us down

By fiery - 24/7/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By james - 14/12/2008 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By dumbteacher - 23/5/2011 14:35

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

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By really? - 20/3/2013 04:55 - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By ayw329 - 31/1/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

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By Pop - 15/1/2014 02:38 - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

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By pinks - 2/9/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By sillyrabbit - 24/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By ap84 - 27/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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By BlueB - 6/7/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML

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By "PineappleOfMyEye" - 13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

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By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 18:30 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 00:19 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 20:36 - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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By mellielynnemily - 26/10/2014 22:46 - United States

Today, at my apartment complex, I was carrying a bag of trash up to the dumpster. A guy stopped his car and helped me carry it the rest of the way. I thanked him and he asked me out. I explained that I was married. He grabbed the trash bag and carried it back to my apartment. FML

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By marisacb - 13/3/2013 18:52 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By anonymous - 3/2/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

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By Duchess - 20/1/2017 12:00

Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML

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By likwidsol - 28/1/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 23:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By siddance - 4/9/2015 18:08 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

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By oakley - 7/1/2017 09:15

Today, I went to start my new job, only to find out that the guy who hired me had no permission to do so. I had to fill out another application, and complete another interview and I still might not get the damn job. FML

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By anon - 29/1/2015 18:32 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

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By sadcinderella - 22/12/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I spent my day alone while my parents and siblings were at school and work. Trying to be helpful, I cleaned out the fridge, did 5 loads of laundry, worked outside, fed the pets and made dinner for the entire family. The evening was spent hearing complaints of how wrong I did everything. FML

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By nothotforteacher - 7/1/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

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By baybuh - 30/12/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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By Camille - 14/7/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend hacked my facebook account and set my status to say that I was in love with my boss. Seeing the post, my boss called me into his office, and told me he loved me too... FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By Don’t know what to think - 16/6/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By Sock_Muppet - 6/4/2019 20:00

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

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By - 19/11/2019 14:00

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - 2/4/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By ilik3catz - 1/1/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

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By NotSatan - 19/4/2017 14:00

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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Top comments

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

COMMENTS

By Selphis | 20

#5452796 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:11

Just go... they'll stop listening soon enough ;-)

goldfishgod | 20

#5452841 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:31

Yeah. Fuck it, go. This is literally the worst situation I could ever think of. Don't deny yourself the pleasure of a good poop just because people are listening.

Leprekhaun | 14

#5452847 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:37

It could be worse... Like in a public restroom with a lot of traffic..

goldfishgod | 20

#5452854 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:40

The good thing about a public restroom, though, is that you don't personally know the other occupants and they will leave soon.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5453760 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 23:22

At least you aren't sitting in your car, stuck in traffic!

MWidderAUDI | 14

#5454117 - Thursday 18 April 2013 5:23

#14- I don't think it's going to be a good poop after taking laxatives...

By greenfishbait | 19

#5452801 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:13

You have to do what you have to do!

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5453174 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 16:00

Yea you can't just shit there for ages.

By Leprekhaun | 14

#5452805 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:14

Let it loose and get some air freshener.

Metallica36176 | 16

#5453590 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 21:13

And get a radio. That's why we have a radio in our bathroom. It drowns out the sound.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5452810 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

Don't care about the guests, and if they really don't like the sounds coming from the bathroom they might leave earlier.

By CrysisAverted | 5

#5452811 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:16

You can always try making very loud fart noises to try to mask out the real ones op, then your roomates will think you were just fucking around?

By error404n0tf0und | 21

#5452813 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 9:17

when they ask just say you where reanacting some sex you had, that will shit them up

zingline89 | 18

#5452888 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 10:14

If having sex with your significant other sounds like explosive diarrhea, you're doing it wrong.

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5453112 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 14:52

unless you're a necrophiliac ;P

zingline89 | 18

#5453130 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 15:12

No they just bang dead people

MissMollie_85 | 12

#5454647 - Thursday 18 April 2013 17:22

I was talking about the sounds... anyway, obviously that joke was shit and went over a lot of heads, so I will let myself drown under the sea of downward pointing thumbs.